Thursday, February 26, 2009

Sarah's Laughter

I'm not talking about my friend Sarah's laughter, which it in itself is pretty infectious. If you know her you have love the laughter of THE Sarah W! Today I'm talking about this site I have recently found sarah's-laughter. I started receiving these Daily Devotionals from here and I love them! This one below was the one from today. I found it so impacting because it is not only valid not only for infertility but for life no matter what you have been praying for.

I’ll never forget that flight. As long as I live, I’ll always remember the fear that gripped me that day as I faced my mortality and prepared for my death.

I remember glancing out the window of the airplane to see if I could yet see the earth below me. I wanted to watch people scurrying about their day, cars lining the highways as commuters continued on their frantic pace. What I saw instead was terrifying. I saw pieces of the wing of the airplane coming loose! Fear gripped me in a way I had never known before and in my panic, I began to search the cabin for someone to help. Didn’t anyone else see the red lights flashing? No one seemed concerned. My family members were dozing or carrying on with their mundane conversations, and I alone knew we would soon plummet to a certain death! I could find no one to help me.

Fortunately, I knew that God the Father was always with me. I began to pray and ask God to help us. I asked that He repair the wings of this plane and bring us to safety. I earnestly prayed that He would cause the wing of the plane to be solid again and that the pieces of metal that looked as though they would fall off at any moment would move back into place and the red flashing lights would go dark. Please God! I have my whole life ahead of me! I have friends who love me! I have to start the third grade in two weeks!

Obviously, there was nothing wrong with the plane that day. The certain disaster I feared was nothing more than the pilot preparing to land the plane and causing the landing mechanisms on the wings to bring us down to the earth in safety. I thought I understood exactly what was happening, but somehow, in my eight years of existence on this planet, I had not yet learned the physics involved in flight. As I sat there in safety, yet believed I would soon die a horrible death, I begged God to make things different. I’m so glad He knew better!

I didn’t understand why God didn’t answer my prayer the way I asked Him to that day. Surely He saw the same thing I did! He could have caused the landing mechanisms to go back into their starting place if He had chosen to! Thank God He didn’t!

If God had done exactly as I had asked, a great tragedy would have followed. Chances are everyone on the plane would have died that day if God had forced the landing gear to malfunction as I unknowingly asked Him to. I didn’t understand that things were working for my good even though I couldn’t possibly see how.

As we struggle with infertility, we beg God to change our situation. We ask Him to allow us to conceive this month, not next month! We know this is the right time! We plead with Him to let this procedure work or to make this disease go away. What we don’t understand is that He has a plan. He knows what He’s doing, even when we’re like eight year olds who think they know how to land a plane better than the pilot does!

When you are disappointed with your fertility and with God and His apparent silence, remember an eight year old trying to land a plane. God’s ways were not my ways that day. God’s thoughts were not my thoughts. Did that mean He didn’t love me or didn’t care? Did it mean that He didn’t understand how afraid I was or how desperately I wanted Him to answer my prayer? Did it mean He didn’t have a plan? Not at all. It simply meant that He had a plan that I didn’t see or understand yet. I’m so glad He knew what I needed more than I thought I knew
what I needed.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways", declares the LORD. Isaiah 55:8

"For I know the plans that I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and NOT to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Clear Pipes!

Good News!! There was no snow storm today!!! AND I have a 33% greater chance of getting pregnant this month...well actually for the next 3 months! Good news huh?!

I had my HSG done today. And am happy to report that my tubes are clear, there was no endometerious or scar tissue and my uterus looks great. I got to see a picture too. They didn't let me keep it. It was pretty painless. UNCOMFORTABLE YES!!! The Doctor asked me, "How are you doing Kara?" to which I responded, "Well I have had a lot more fun other places!" He laughed and kept shoving stuff up in there. At least that's what it felt like. The after effects were minimal as well. Some cramping and even a little burning where my tubes are but that was about it. I was able to go on with the rest of my day.

Anyways...I don't have to drink Drano to clear my pipes! And news like this is always fun to share.

Hope you all have wonderful rest of the week!

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Wait...

Teaching children to wait isn't always easy but is a lesson that must be taught. If taught will gentleness and grace can impact them forever. I feel like I'm the one being TAUGHT to wait not the one doing the teaching...which right now seems soooooo much easier.

So much of the fight to stay sane in my quest for a child is learning to waiting. I have to wait for my next cycle to begin. I have wait for the blood results. Waiting to be the birth mom and not just being the birth friend. Almost everyone around me despises that dreaded two week wait. It seems like all I do sometimes is just sit around and wait. Why is it that even God tells me to wait on His promises? Waiting for something that I KNOW is going to happen is hard...then at times doubt creeps in...as much as I hate to admit it does.

Because to be honest Philippians 4:8 can be a moment by moment struggle for me some days. Especially when it comes to my fertility situation. I want so desperately to believe that God has promised us this child but there are days when I don't believe that I am worthy enough of such a blessing. But what God has shown me is that I alone am not worth but because of WHO I am in Christ, the King of Kings daughter, I am worth of whatever blessings He bestows on me. Not because of who I am but because WHO lives in me. I am blessed enough to have the best Dad in the whole world!

Websters defines WAIT as; to stay in place in expectation of. In KJV Isaiah 40:31 says"But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength..." What I found really cool was the NIV says "But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength."

I am so thankful for my Father to renew my strength and hope as I struggle.

Something that God has shown me the past few weeks is that when I grow weary from waiting He will continue to renew my strength, my hope, my perseverance. Thank you Lord! While knowing this in my head and in my head can be two separate things at times. So I must take every negative, damaging thought captive and place them under the obedience of my Father.

God’s promises are great and I need to continue to learn to truly to wait for Him. He promises me new strength...daily. He promises endurance to run the race set before me...daily. I am thankful for a Father who loves me.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Snow Delay

Tuesday night into most of the day Wednesday there was a HUGE snow/ice storm. I had to go on Tuesday to the drs office to take a blood pregnancy test just to make sure that I wasn't pregnant to have the HSG test done. I asked them when I left, "It's suppose to snow tomorrow are you SURE he's going to do it?" Yes they said. "He doesn't stop that because it snows." Sounds good to me.

Well the weather was HORRIBLE just like the weather man said so at 9 I called to see if he was still going to be there. They told me again "Yes! He doesn't stop because of the weather." So at 9:30 as I'm heading out the door for my 11:30 appointment. I made one last call to the Dr. JUST to make sure that he was going to be there and let them know that I am driving alllll the was from Bolivar (40 some odd miles) are you SURE he is going to do the test. YES they said. So I headed out in the traitorous weather. And didn't even break down emotionally the entire drive!

I got there checked in went to the bathroom and came out they said I'm sorry the Dr just called and he can't get over to this hospital today. It took me over 2 hours to drive there. NEVER have I driven in weather like this. 25MPH on the freakin interstate! THE ENTIRE WAY. And he can't get from across town???!!! I broke in to tears. I called drs office they tried to work something out but it wouldn't work. They informed me that he was at another facility and they were backed up because of the weather and he couldn't make it in time for my appointment. I drove home crying most of the way.

Came home burnt off some energy by shoveling the drive way and got over it. Started praying for summer to hurry up and get here. Figured there must be a reason God didn't want this done. I have prayed about having this test done. I prayed about going that morning. Not wanting to waste the money especially since I have already racked up a ton of bills. So many things in my mind. Maybe my snow delay was God's way of answering my prayers.

By the end of the day resting assure God has it under control. God is faithful. Life goes on. Maybe next month. Or who knows...maybe I'll be pregnant and won't have to have it at all! :)