Amazed

It's been almost 9 weeks and I don't have a long time before I go to bed but just wanted to jot down something...

I am amazed how God continually uses these children to reveal His love to me. Daily. I love teaching them about their CREATOR.

I love the way they love my husband. I love bedtime. I love the stillness before the storm (5:15am - 6:25am) I love their laughter. I love kissing their tears. I love laughing with them. I love seeing them succeed. Even as little as the baby walking up and down the stairs without holding my hand and at the bottom he shouts "I DID IT!"

I love the hugs. I love hearing them sing HE IS ALIVE! HE IS ALIVE! WE ARE FREE!!! I love holding them when they fall asleep on me. But most of all I love KNOWING that no matter what the seeds that God is using me to plant NO ONE NO ONE NO ONE can take way!!! They WILL produce fruit! I know it!

I don't know what my life would be like with them...

I am reminded of a quote by Dr. Seuss...Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.

Today was a good day...I hope I always remember. God? Did you take pictures for my scrap book up in my "heaven house"?

Tonight as I finish this glass of wine in the peace and quite of my home I am thankful that God is using me faults and all.

Blessed Assurance

*This really long post is for me...So I remember and do not forget how BIG how WIDE how GREAT my GOD my FATHER is when HIS promises to me come to pass.

I LOVE old hymns...It reminds me of my grandmother & my mom...my heritage of which I'm so thankful of.

I have been struggling with the fact that I am still at 35 years old not a mom. It is not just from fertility issues, I believe that I have been healed of that, so says my last Drs visit, but also from other issues that are out of my control.

Controlling person??? Definitely NOT how I saw myself...more so if I needed to take control over something I could but I don't HAVE to have control over everything. I know God is in control of my life. Honestly I don't want His seat. Until it came to the whole baby/mom/being fruitful and increasing in number thing…

A few months ago someone said to me that broke my heart, “Maybe you should let go of the dream of being a mom and focus on what else God has in store for you.”

Those words have been floating around in my heart and in my head ever since.

I tried letting go like this woman suggested. I tried holding on tighter in spite of what she said. I’ve wept…I’ve prayed…And finally said...

Leading up to this weekend I'd been praying again asking/begging/pleading God to either release me, complete release, from my desire to be a mom, to have a baby or reassure me of His promises. And that they are truly HIS promises not my imagination or selfish desires.

Sunday morning I walked in to my office between services and there was this lady in there that has been praying for Shawn & I & our children. She kind of makes me uncomfortable sometimes.

#1 because she didn't like me when I first started working at the church she said some really mean & hurtful things to me. But I handled it differently then she had ever been treated before and she ended up liking me and hearing my hearts desire for the ministry here.

#2 because she asks me often if I'm pregnant and I feel bad that she keeps praying and believing but I am still not pregnant.

Well on Sunday she asked me if there was any news on the baby front I said no. She said, with tears in her eyes, “Kara I believe it in my spirit I know you will be pregnant soon. God has shown me time and time again your pregnant belly and your child. Yes you will adopt but you will have a baby.”

To which I responded trying to disguised uncomfortableness “I am believing for a child I know HE will provide in His perfect time.” Which I truly am honestly didn't even think of it as conformation until that afternoon.
I was in such firefighter mode I didn't even think about it again until my IM conversation with one of my friends that after noon. I am so thankful that she is sensitive to His Spirit.

The conversation started with “Would you like to know why God is called Jehovah Rophe?”

To which I responded, “Why?”

She proceeded to tell me of a story of a lady, her pastors wife, who has been married for a while unable to have children so they adopted. She has been on birth control for the past 2 years went off of it in July and just found out last week that she is pregnant.

Jehovah Rophe~ GOD who HEALS

She said “It made me think of you Kara...I want you to know, that God is still in the miracle business and don't give up. I don't know if you needed to hear that right now, but I think He wants you to know that He still holds your dreams in His hands, and that you aren't forgotten. I just think you need to hold onto what you know He's spoken to you and He'll take care of the rest.”

That afternoon as I am driving back to church I was thinking of the two instance of confirmation that day and my humanness say... “God you usually confirm things with me 3 different ways...that’s only two so maybe you don't really mean it. Maybe it's just my selfish desires.”

Yes I know what you’re thinking...I do have a very hard head. It amazes me how easily we allow doubt to creep in.

At staff meeting Tuesday where we were talking about this speaker we had on Sunday. He was one of those speakers that you’re listening along and then realize you don't have a pen and paper & you need one desperately because everything he's saying is about ready to make you jump out of your skin.

I am listening to a cd of Sundays message (this past Sunday's the day of 2 confirmations not 3…or so I thought) and he is talking about God's promises about being the type of person that is following what God is asking you to do because you trust God as your leader. He's putting on a personal level and then extending it to the church then to the body of Christ. Basically confirming EVERYTHING that God had been dealing with me on #1 for me personally #2 to say to the 85 volunteers in our children's ministry at our training meeting & #3 to the church body. (Which I am totally terrified about)

Then as if He hasn't been tugging on my spirit about plea of confirmation or release and what I said about the fact that I only saw two confirmations on Sunday. The speaker ends this message with this last statement...

"Elijah is God's promise.”
“God's word is never late.”
“His promises, what God has promised YOU, is real and ready and is true TODAY.”

Thank you Father for confirmation. I ask You to remove the doubt place in my heart and my mind by well meaning people who don’t realize when they say things that hurt. I ask that You remove any offensive spirit that I might have because of the hurt. Thank You for Your willingness to confirm things in 3 ways for no other reason than You love me. Thank You for the promises of what it says in Psalm 77:14 that YOU are the God who performs miracles that You display your power among the people. I thank You that Your promises are real that You are still the same God that is/was/continue to be in Numbers 23:19 God is not a man, that he should lie, nor a son of man, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfill? Thank You for what You do in me. ~Amen

Friends!

Have I ever told you what WONDERFUL friends we have been blessed with???

God has blessed Shawn & I with wonderful friends...from everywhere! I remember when we first moved to Maryland away from my family and the first of my adult friends. For months I cried and cried saying PLEASE God give me friends. He did. When we moved to NC I was a little wiser...I started praying before we moved and began praying God please prepare friends for Shawn and I there that will last a lifetime and let us meet them quickly! He did yet again. We moved in shifts to Ohio but that didn't stop God from forming friendships and bonds that seem like we have known each other for ever.

I say all that because during each of our moves we have been trying to conceive and people sometimes don't know what to do with that. So many of our friends have had "quick" pregnancy. They decide they want to have a baby and with in a month or two they are pregnant. Even some that have struggled but now have babies. I have the feeling that sometimes people just don't know what to do or say so they just back off or don't mention it. I have read and re-read this devotion almost everyday since I received it letting it seep in. My guess is that I am not the only person that God is going to put in your path struggling with infertility so here are somethings that I hope will help!

What Can I Do To Help?

If you love someone who is carrying the heavy load of unplanned “un-pregnancy”, you may find it difficult to know how to offer support for their struggle. They definitely need your encouragement, but it is sometimes so difficult for friends and family to know how to offer the support. As we struggle with infertility, our relationships with friends and family are undeniably touched. Those who conceive easily may have difficulty truly understanding the struggle an infertile couple faces every single day. In our effort to offer support for those who struggle, we submit these suggestions for ways that friends and family can offer their own support to those they love. These are simple, practical ways to show your love and support. If Sarah’s Laughter can help you in any way, please feel free to contact us at any time.

What to Say...
I’m so sorry.I’m praying for you. (Only say this if you really will pray!) How would you like me to pray for you? (Join in agreement with them in prayer. Don’t assume you know what they’re praying for. They may be praying for something that seems totally off the wall to you. You don’t have to understand why certain things are important. It may be important for your friend to not be invited to her cousin’s shower, or to be called into work on what should have been her due date. When you validate their feelings by praying in agreement with them, it can be a beautifully healing thing.)I’m here if you need to talk. (Then don’t be afraid of what they may say. Don’t be offended if they don’t want to talk. Being available to them as a sounding board is priceless.)

What NOT to say...
Relax, honey. It will happen. (This minimizes the hurt the couple is feeling. Also, sometimes it doesn’t happen.)You’re so lucky not to be tied down with kids. You can go on vacation any time you want.At least...you were only a few weeks along, At least...you have one child. At least...you have time with just the two of you. (A good rule of thumb is--if you start a sentence with “at least” it’s probably the wrong thing to say!)So whose fault is it--yours or his? (Infertility is not an issue of fault. It is a medical condition that carries a heavy emotional and spiritual burden. This is an intensely personal battle. If they want--or need--to share personal, medical information with you, let them. It’s really quite an honor to be trusted with such vulnerable information. If they don’t want to share, please don’t ask.)You can always have another baby. (Unfortunately, many who experience infertility also experience loss. Even if they are blessed with a houseful of other children, they still grieve the baby they’ve lost. They love this baby. They want this baby.I know how you feel. (No, you don’t. Even if you suffered with infertility or miscarriage, you cannot know exactly how this person feels. You may have a good idea based on your own experience, but not the specifics of this situation.) Don’t cry. It’ll be okay. (Let them cry. Let them cry with you or on you. Just let them cry.)

Be Sensitive...
Infertility and loss are excruciating experiences which tend to be extremely private. If someone dares to trust in you and shares these experiences with you, take their hurt very seriously even if you cannot relate to their pain. Maintain their confidence. If someone else questions you about your friend’s childlessness, keep the information to yourself. Even when others ask out of concern, remember the intimacy of this situation. If and when your friend wants to share with others, she will--just as she shared with you. Realize that baby showers and Mother's day are painful but they still want to be a part. These are excruciating events for those who struggle.Realize that the grief an infertile couple carries begins anew approximately every 28 days.Don’t panic if the couple “emotionally vomits” on you. Don’t cringe if they start talking about sperm counts or post-coital tests. Your support can be life giving to someone who feels like they are going to collapse under the weight of an empty cradle.Don’t be afraid of anger. Hurting people tend to lash out. If they are angry at their spouse, their doctor, their baby, their body or even at God, let them vent.Give hurting couples an “out” on Mother’s Day/Father’s Day, on days when you have a baby dedication at church, for baby showers, etc. Let them know about the dedication in advance if you are comfortable doing so, so that they can decide if they want to attend that Sunday. These are hard events to attend. Don’t criticize if they do not attend. However, follow up with them if they miss more than just the difficult days or if they are pulling away too much.Let them know you care. However it works for you and those you care for, just let them know you care.

As Philippians 4:13-14 says, we can do all things through Christ who gives us strength, but it is so good of you to share with your infertile friends/family in their trouble. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you for caring for hurting people and making such a wonderful effort to ease the pain of unintentional childlessness.
(c) 2009 Sarah’s Laughter-Christian Support for Infertility & Child Loss

I want to thank all of my friends that continue to pray for our miracle. Thank you for standing in the gap, holding our hand high when we can't, for BLESSING us by allowing us the privilege to love you and your children. God has strategically places each and every one of you in our lives...and our lives have been changed because of you! WE LOVE YOU! Spring has Sprung...have a wonderful weekend!!!

Confession

I have a confession to make...I have started to like the two week wait. You know the one in between ovulation and test day. For me those weeks are full of anticipation, hopefulness, excitement, planning for the possibility, and thankfulness that my body function correctly and actually did ovulate. Only to end that two week wait with a test that you are so desperate to pass. You’ve done your research…you’ve “studied” everyday what feels like day and night and you just don’t want to “study” or even talk about “studing” any more…you’ve prayed and cried out to God to PLEASE PLEASE to pass it just once of these test. To watch others test without a barely “studying” at all. You have done EVERYTHING that you have been instructed to do and yet you still fail the test.

The only thing that I find consistent about my cycle is that for 130 months I have gone without a positive test. WOW! Talk about failing! Now grant it we weren't actively trying all of those months but we were doing nothing to prevent it either. For me infertility is full of frustration and misunderstanding mixed with hopefulness and excitement that is hard to even put into words.

This month for many reasons has been more difficult for me than many of the previous months. It’s spring (or at least it will be shortly). It seems as though baby bellies are popping out everywhere. I have blessed enough to hold so many others sweet newborns. Pray over them, comfort them, and when they start screaming uncontrollably…hand them backJ. But this month I wanted it to be my month…OUR month…I so desperately wanted to tell Shawn’s father on his 60th birthday that he was finally going to be a “Grampie”. I wanted so desperately to tell all of my friends that have been praying and interceding for us THANK YOU!! We’re pregnant! I wanted so desperately to finally give Shawn this funny kid’s book I got him to welcome in to “Daddyhood”.

But instead this month I call the Dr. cancel my pregnancy test and order more clomid. Instead this month I continue to thank God that He is a fulfiller of promises. I thank Him for my body working correctly and actually ovulating. I thank Him for the relationship that He continues to build between Shawn & me. I thank Him for the wonderful husband that He has given me. The husband who use to never ask a thing and holds me when he knows I’ve started but I don’t want to talk about it. I thank Him for His love and grace when there are days when I don’t want to deal with “stupid people”.

But this month I will also continue to remember where I find my strength…
“…Stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is NOT in vain.” 1 Corinthians 15:58.

“Enlarge the place of your tent, stretch your tent curtains wide, do not hold back; lengthen your cords, strengthen your stakes. For you will spread out to the right and to the left; your descendants will dispossess nations and settle in their cities.” Isaiah 54:2-4

This month I will continue to stand firm knowing that MY God is the God that performs MIRACLES and displays his power among the people. Psalms 77:14.

This month is like many others…I wait with anticipation for God to fulfill His promise of what was spoke over our lives… “The Lord WILL grant you (US) abundantly prosperity in the fruit of your womb (that would by MY womb), the young of your livestock, and the crops of your ground, in the land that he swore to your forefathers to give you.” Numbers 23:19 .

Sarah's Laughter

I'm not talking about my friend Sarah's laughter, which it in itself is pretty infectious. If you know her you have love the laughter of THE Sarah W! Today I'm talking about this site I have recently found sarah's-laughter. I started receiving these Daily Devotionals from here and I love them! This one below was the one from today. I found it so impacting because it is not only valid not only for infertility but for life no matter what you have been praying for.

I’ll never forget that flight. As long as I live, I’ll always remember the fear that gripped me that day as I faced my mortality and prepared for my death.

I remember glancing out the window of the airplane to see if I could yet see the earth below me. I wanted to watch people scurrying about their day, cars lining the highways as commuters continued on their frantic pace. What I saw instead was terrifying. I saw pieces of the wing of the airplane coming loose! Fear gripped me in a way I had never known before and in my panic, I began to search the cabin for someone to help. Didn’t anyone else see the red lights flashing? No one seemed concerned. My family members were dozing or carrying on with their mundane conversations, and I alone knew we would soon plummet to a certain death! I could find no one to help me.

Fortunately, I knew that God the Father was always with me. I began to pray and ask God to help us. I asked that He repair the wings of this plane and bring us to safety. I earnestly prayed that He would cause the wing of the plane to be solid again and that the pieces of metal that looked as though they would fall off at any moment would move back into place and the red flashing lights would go dark. Please God! I have my whole life ahead of me! I have friends who love me! I have to start the third grade in two weeks!

Obviously, there was nothing wrong with the plane that day. The certain disaster I feared was nothing more than the pilot preparing to land the plane and causing the landing mechanisms on the wings to bring us down to the earth in safety. I thought I understood exactly what was happening, but somehow, in my eight years of existence on this planet, I had not yet learned the physics involved in flight. As I sat there in safety, yet believed I would soon die a horrible death, I begged God to make things different. I’m so glad He knew better!

I didn’t understand why God didn’t answer my prayer the way I asked Him to that day. Surely He saw the same thing I did! He could have caused the landing mechanisms to go back into their starting place if He had chosen to! Thank God He didn’t!

If God had done exactly as I had asked, a great tragedy would have followed. Chances are everyone on the plane would have died that day if God had forced the landing gear to malfunction as I unknowingly asked Him to. I didn’t understand that things were working for my good even though I couldn’t possibly see how.

As we struggle with infertility, we beg God to change our situation. We ask Him to allow us to conceive this month, not next month! We know this is the right time! We plead with Him to let this procedure work or to make this disease go away. What we don’t understand is that He has a plan. He knows what He’s doing, even when we’re like eight year olds who think they know how to land a plane better than the pilot does!

When you are disappointed with your fertility and with God and His apparent silence, remember an eight year old trying to land a plane. God’s ways were not my ways that day. God’s thoughts were not my thoughts. Did that mean He didn’t love me or didn’t care? Did it mean that He didn’t understand how afraid I was or how desperately I wanted Him to answer my prayer? Did it mean He didn’t have a plan? Not at all. It simply meant that He had a plan that I didn’t see or understand yet. I’m so glad He knew what I needed more than I thought I knew what I needed.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways", declares the LORD. Isaiah 55:8

"For I know the plans that I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and NOT to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Appointment Update

I haven't posted since my appointment because I have been trying to process it. I can't really say that I am "done" processing it because I feel like I have no answers.

I have a feeling this may be a love hate relationship with my Dr. He's good but so he's busy... At least at this appointment. So that means he has no time to hear my stories of how I felt nor does he probably even really care. After I sat in the little room for 45 mins he walks in glances at my belly button and says how are you feeling and I say fine. He says you look great lets go to my office.

We go into his office and he closes the door and proceeds to show me my pictures. First was the endometriosis...which he said wasn't too bad but the scare tissue all over was "severe". What is the scare tissue from? He says its from the endometriosis. SO then he goes on to the next picture which is my uterine wall. He said that it is shedding and trying to regrow all at the same time because my hormones are out of whack. I asked him, "What can I take to help that? Metphormine?" No, that just for blood sugar he said... That usually happens when people have really heavy periods...Well I don't have heavy painful periods...They may last 3-5 days and its not too heavy and mine aren't painful...He says then I don't know why its doing that then...He closes my chart and seemed like everything was over and I ask well what about my left tube? He said I'm not really sure if its open...I said What? you said that you opened my tube during that procedure. He said well we really don't know until we do an HSG...So we'll schedule one of those and then go from there. I said...what about clomid or something...He said i'm not giving you anything until I see if your tube is open. He walked me out to the secretaries desk and told her to set me up and appointment for an HSG.

Needless to say I left there feel pissed at myself because I didn't stand up and say...I KNOW that you are busy and I KNOW that there are a lot of people waiting but having a baby is important to me and I don't like feeling like you pushing me out the door. There are so many more questions that I wanted to ask but didn't have time to even think of them much less ask them...

I went home that night and told Shawn what happened at the appointment. He asked, "Isn't that the one where they shoot the dye through your tubes?" Why yes my smart husband that's been paying attention, "that it is what it is." He said that said. "Why would he want to do that when you he said he put dye through the tubes day I had the surgery. He came out and told me that they shot dye through both sides and they were open."

Why would the Dr come and tell Shawn that and then ask me to have an HSG done. So I called the Dr on Friday and told the nurse what happened and she said I'll call you back. So she called me back and told me yes you still need to have a HSG done because the one you had done was a LONG time ago. I said no my husband said that the dr came out and told him that he put dye through my tubes while I was in surgery. Why would I need to have an HSG done if he JUST basically done? She said "oh I didn't understand that the first time. Honestly I don't have your file over here at this location but I will call you back when I have it." When the Dr called the night of the surgery asked him about my left tube? He said "Its open your good! Everything went GREAT" I know I was on drugs but I wasn't out of it.

So basically I'm confused...I know that God has it under control but He has also wants us to make wise choices, but all of this trying to have a baby that you feel like God has promised you can be a little confusing and frustrating sometimes. But after all is said and done I still stand firm on...

Numbers 23:19 “The Lord will grant you abundant prosperity in the fruit of your womb, the young of your livestock and the crops of your ground-in the land he swore to your forefathers to give you.

Deuteronomy 28:11 God is NOT a God that he should lie, nor a son of man, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not fulfill?"