Joy Unspeakable

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33 NIV)

They must turn from evil and do good; they must SEEK peace and PURSUE it. (1 Peter 3:11 NIV)

For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning. (Psalm 30:5 NIV)

After I dropped the older two off with their grandfather yesterday I went to a parking lot and cried. Cried from the moment I said "see you in the morning" till the moment I walked in the doors at home. I sat in the parking lot for an hour trying to make myself stop crying. My heart was grief stricken like when my father died.

I prayed for peace in the parking lot. I prayed for Gods wisdom on how to grieve and for guidance. I prayed for protection of their minds, their souls, their lives, their hearts. I prayed for courage for them. I prayed for their family...that they realize the gift(s) that they have been blessed with. I prayed for endurance. I prayed do deal with this withOUT tears.

Songs began to rise from within me.
"Joy unspeakable that wont go away. Just enough faith to live for today. I never have to worry what tomorrow will bring. My faith is on solid rock...I'm counting on God."

"It will be my Joy to say YOUR will YOUR way...always"

I came home from work early last night. The tears just wouldn't stay away. Not sobbing just flowing. When I walked through the doors I have a three year old leaping for joy that I was home.

"Mommy's home!!!! Yeah!! I missed you mommy!!!" He was exclaiming as he jumped into my arms.

"Daddy & I got pizza! Come eat with me!" He said.

I relished every moment of the evening with him. Feeling so blessed. Feeling so much joy in the mist of my aching heart.

God has reminded me of so many things lately.

#1 What I've asked of you is not easy. But I've asked you anyways.
#2 If it wasn't painful you wouldn't have loved like Jesus loved.

With that I realize that mourning will be just a season but how I respond is important.

He is a fulfiller of promises. He is not man that he should lie. He is my Father and He loves me first He loves me most & He knows me best.

And so it begins.

one year...ten months...six days...everything changes....

The older two will begin their transition back to their moms house today after school. We had dinner for the last time as our family. We laughed together watching AFV for the last time as our family. We said prayers and sang praises for one final time together.

I can't help but have tear streaming from my eyes.

We had a 2 am wake up call with bad dreams...
We had a 4 am wake up call for the potty...
Yet another 4:32 am wake up call to blow a nose & to pray the bad dreams away.

And that was just LAST night.

As much as I love them with every part of my being...I have to daily make a choice to realize I am not their protector. God is! I am not their provider. God is!

He will always do a much better job than I would. I am thankful and grateful for each and every moment with them. I pray that their faith roots will develop quickly and run deep.

I love them more than I ever thought I possibly could. I can't imagine how much God loves them...and me.

Thank you Father for choosing me for these three even if it were just for a moment.

one year...ten months...six days...it feels like forever...but gone in just a moment.