Overwhelmed

It's Monday morning and I am still overwhelmed by this past week. It was Easter week...Holy week...Company coming in week...PC Hearing week.

Thinking back to Easter growing up it was a big deal...Still is in my mind. Being raised Lutheran we went to church every Wednesday during Lent then Maundy Thursday, Good Friday, Sunrise service on Easter out to breakfast and then BACK to church for the 11AM service. Being the youngest of four kids & going to a church that did not have "Kids Classes" I did not enjoy sitting still that long but I did enjoy the family time that week created for me. I always loved when we were all together.

One of my favorite services of all year was the Good Friday service. At the end of the sermon when the Pastor was done teaching on what happened that night so many years ago the lights would get dimmer and dimmer until it was completely dark. After reading from the Gospels he would end with the room completely dark and say "It IS finished!" Slam the big giant Bible was reading from closed. It was crazy silent. And everyone would leave in the stillness and the darkness. No one spoke. We just all got in our cars and left.

This year was a year I hope I never forget. This year right in the middle of the week Wednesday was our  permanent custody hearing. I barely slept Monday or Tuesday night between a sick baby and praying I didn't get much rest. Birth-mom contacted the paternal grandparents a few weeks back. She asked if she could see the 2 yr old and said she was going to do whatever it took to get the baby back. We've been fasting and praying for little man's safety. We have been praying for God's will to be done & to protect little man from any harm.  She even had the nerve to show up at the paternal grandparents house the day before court. Saying many things that weren't true about what she had done and was going to do through the state.

My heart hurts for her yet I'm angry at her. I see this child that someone must have mistreated and never gave a chance to. So now she is caught in a vicious cycle...but angry for being an adult and NOT stopping it. Maybe no one has ever told her she could or about her Savior

Wednesday @ 10 was our date. PC hearing means that all rights of parents that are involved can be terminated. The judge could rule that day, he could request an actual trial or he could take weeks to review the case and then make a decision. We were there by 9:40 AM and set with the GAL and talked small talk until it was time for him to go back. He said not to be surprised he believed he had seem the birth mom there but he had only met her once & wasn't for sure.

At 10:02 they called us back to the court room. Went back out and called any other parties pertaining to *the baby's name* to come forward.

No one came. No grandmother...No Birth-mother...No Birth-father...No one...

They came back in closed the door and started.

Sitting next to the GAL's boss I was trying to sit still & act professional . When they closed the door she said softly. "Oh well that's not good."  I answered back softly thinking maybe she was talking to me..."what's not good? Is everything ok?" She didn't respond.

About 15 mins in the GAL's boss leans over to me and said "Take a breath. You have already won."

Right then and there I was overwhelmed with emotion. Seriously almost became a sobbing mess right there. Shawn grabbed my hand. I was reminded where I was and it probably wouldn't be a good thing for me to react that way in where I was.

After the Caseworker left the stand they talk to the other attorney & the GAL. Then the judge said I will make my decision.

We found out this Friday on Good Friday that It Is Finished...

The parental right have been severed. He was declared abandoned. Permanent Custody has been granted to the state for our little man.

We can now move forward with declaring him our son.

I am thankful that while he was "declared" he will never have know the feeling of being abandoned.

Overwhelmed by so many things this past week. I have been overwhelmed with excitement, tears, love, joy, sadness (for the birth family).

This being Easter weekend I just kept thinking how overwhelmed I was by God's love for me...for Shawn...for our little man. That while we were yet sinners HE died for me...went to hell for me...and sits at my Father's right waiting for me.

I heard this song this morning...it just seems to fit.

Overwhelmed

Thankful

Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in ALL circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 

There is ALWAYS something to rejoice in, pray for & give thanks for!

Today...March 4th was suppose to be our PC hearing...We were suppose to be celebrating the next step in adopting our son...BUT birth mom has a new "confined" location as of  this weekend. Knowing where she is by law they must serve her papers. Birth dad is pitching a fit the his parents wanting them to take him. They say they can't...I've lived with this little man for a year...As much as I love him IT IS HARD WORK! For some people who are in their mid-50's to 70's with health concerns being up all hours of the night loving a screaming teething child on less than 2 hrs of sleep is hard work! I get so stuck on knowing how to pray. I don't want to pray selfishly. 

I honestly do want what is best for this little man. My heart aches for him! I know that I know that I know this is not going to be an easy road...either way...but I know that I know that I know God has put him in our lives for a reason. I know he is a world changer. I know that God has a plan for him! It is one of prosperity & hope! Today I have to focus on 3 things...

Rejoice always! Father I rejoice because you are a Father that loves me unconditionally! You love this little man of God MORE than I do! I know you have his best interest at heart! I with out a doubt KNOW you have dreams for him that will be wild & crazy! That's why you have chosen US to be part of his world! 

Pray continually! Father you alone know the out come of this chapter of our lives. You are our protector, YOU are our provider! For you created this little man of God in the inner most beings of his mothers womb. I praise you for he is fearfully and wonderfully made! I know that full well! I ask that you continue to protect his destiny and give Shawn & I wisdom on how to raise him and how to handle each and every step of this process. Provide us with strength, peace and continued guidance.

Give THANKS! I thank you that the PC hearing was at 9AM and I didn't have to dwell on this all day. I thank you Father that in a few hours I will leave my job and will pick up our soon to be son, go home to a loving husband and enjoy my evening in a safe and warm home. I thank you Father that your favor sounds us like a shield! I thank you that your ways are better than my ways. I give you all the glory all the honer all the praise to YOU and you alone!

How can this be...

3 months, 90 days, 2,160 hours, 129,600 minutes ago our world changed...and we didn't even know it.
In the beginning I felt like a hypocrite when people would stop me and tell me how cute "my" baby was and ask me about his stats. He was so tiny...My favorite was when people would tell me how good I looked for having a baby that young. It MUST not be your first. Sometimes I would smile and thank them and move on about my day other times I would shock them and tell them that we were foster parents. Inevitably their response would be:
"I don't know how your do it!"
"What are you going to do when you have to give him back?"
"Aren't you attached to him?"
" How are you going to handle it if you don't keep him?"

To which I would reply

"I don't know how either. Only with God's grace"
"Probably Cry."
"INCREDIBLY! Wouldn't you be? Look at the face!"
"I'm not sure but I know that God is in control."

I thought a baby would be easier...it.is.not. While he doesn't say "I love you mommy. Don't leave me mommy. You my favorite mama." The way his smile lights up for me like it does for NO ONE else says it all. The way he snuggles in to me after his last bottle and falls asleep. The peaceful gaze that he gives when I feed him. The way he "talks" to me at bath time and laughs at me when I "buzz" my lips together. Don't get me wrong he giggles and looks and smiles and snuggles with others...it's just a little different with the mama.

We have a long way to go on this road. The journey has just begun...but for today I am able to enjoy the fact that he celebrates his 3 month birthday with us. No cake no party hats or streamers just a song and a lot of hugs and kisses.

Happy Birthday Sweet Love! You have no idea how you've changed my world...

3 Month Statistics
14.1 pounds
23" long
Sleeps through the night...most nights.
Eats 6oz bottles every 4-5 hrs & we just 1 bowl of cereal at night
Is beginning to put himself to sleep
LOVES to sit up
LOVES to watch the dogs
LOVES his play mat that sings to him
LOVES to be talk to
LOVE LOVE LOVES Bath time (next to eating it is his FAVORITE time of day)
Seems to enjoy his first few bowls of cereal
Smiles when I sing "HIS" song t him
Has met his Grandma C, Mimi & Papa
Likes to sit up to watch TV while he burps
Found his fists & LOVES to eat them
Doesn't like to burp but doesn't like the side effects of an upset belly either.
Has yucky acid reflux

"but as for me, I watch in HOPE for the Lord I wait for God my Savior, my God will hear me." Micah 7:7 
Please be in agreement with us that God will move quickly in this case & praying for HIS will to be accomplished. I am at peace knowing He already knows the ending of the story. But I have to remember sometimes moment by moment...there is a God and it is NOT me!

Hold On Tight

A week ago today started off a little different than normal. It was sunny and in Ohio during the winter that is very very odd. I was so thankful for the sun beaming in the car as I drove to work not knowing what God had planned for me that day.

Around 11 AM I received a phone call from a BLOCKED number. When I see that it means that Job & Family Services is trying to call me. As I answered the phone I noticed that I had missed 3 other phone calls from them starting at 9 AM.

Our caseworker on the other end said, "Kara did you get my messages?"

I said, "No I'm sorry. I had left my phone on my desk and it is on silent and I've had people in my office this morning."

She said "I need to know if you and Shawn are interested in placement of a newborn. He is 3 days old and you'd be picking him up from the hospital. You guys were the first people we thought of when we knew he needed placement. He does have potential paternal grandparents that may be interested if they can qualify. I am not sure about the length of placement."

I wonder how long I set quiet on the phone. My response was "Can I call Shawn and call you right back?"

Caseworker responded..."Absolutely!" Shawn's response was exactly the same as the caseworkers.

The next few hours were a blur. My friend (mother of four boys ages 5 mths - 7 yrs) went with me to pick  up this new little man. I had been to that hospital's maternity ward many times but never to take a baby home with me. My friend asked questions that only a mom would know to ask. So thankful she came.

They even made me ride out in a wheelchair. So many emotions in this picture and the days to come. I was smiling on the outside but one the inside I kept thinking "if you drop this baby they are not going to let you take him home. HOLD ON TIGHT!" among many many other things.

Let me put this out there. This beautiful gift does in no way remove the pain of our three amazingly beautiful 3 going home. There are no promises as to how long this little man will be with us but I know my Father has a plan not only for this little mans life but for Shawn & mine as well.

"God must do everything for us. Our part is to yield and trust” ― A.W. Tozer

...hold on tight...

Change...

I woke up to a startling realization of something this morning. I cleaned the bathroom this weekend. This morning when I got out of the shower I realized...it's still clean...no tooth paste on the mirror. No trash 1/2 thrown away.

It's clean.

To some that would be a wonderful thing. To me it means my beautiful 3 are not with me. I miss them. I'd clean the bathroom everyday twice a day to have them home.

Father this morning I ask you to send you comforting heart to hold mine. Please protect & provide for those 3 beauties. Give them wisdom & understanding beyond their years. Help them process. Help us process. Remind mind them of memories and lesson learned while with us. I thank you and praise you for their lives, for our lives together! What a blessing they are to so many.

Joy Unspeakable

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33 NIV)

They must turn from evil and do good; they must SEEK peace and PURSUE it. (1 Peter 3:11 NIV)

For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning. (Psalm 30:5 NIV)

After I dropped the older two off with their grandfather yesterday I went to a parking lot and cried. Cried from the moment I said "see you in the morning" till the moment I walked in the doors at home. I sat in the parking lot for an hour trying to make myself stop crying. My heart was grief stricken like when my father died.

I prayed for peace in the parking lot. I prayed for Gods wisdom on how to grieve and for guidance. I prayed for protection of their minds, their souls, their lives, their hearts. I prayed for courage for them. I prayed for their family...that they realize the gift(s) that they have been blessed with. I prayed for endurance. I prayed do deal with this withOUT tears.

Songs began to rise from within me.
"Joy unspeakable that wont go away. Just enough faith to live for today. I never have to worry what tomorrow will bring. My faith is on solid rock...I'm counting on God."

"It will be my Joy to say YOUR will YOUR way...always"

I came home from work early last night. The tears just wouldn't stay away. Not sobbing just flowing. When I walked through the doors I have a three year old leaping for joy that I was home.

"Mommy's home!!!! Yeah!! I missed you mommy!!!" He was exclaiming as he jumped into my arms.

"Daddy & I got pizza! Come eat with me!" He said.

I relished every moment of the evening with him. Feeling so blessed. Feeling so much joy in the mist of my aching heart.

God has reminded me of so many things lately.

#1 What I've asked of you is not easy. But I've asked you anyways.
#2 If it wasn't painful you wouldn't have loved like Jesus loved.

With that I realize that mourning will be just a season but how I respond is important.

He is a fulfiller of promises. He is not man that he should lie. He is my Father and He loves me first He loves me most & He knows me best.

March 1st...

It's almost been a year since our world turned upside with 3 beautiful blue eyed beauties. March 17th to be exact.

March 1st offically kicks off a month long celebration at our house!! Between our family & friends we have over 8 birthdays this month!! We'll even have special guest visiting Ohio this month! Grampy comes this weekend for an entire week & then Aunt Kim & Grandma C come the last week of the month for the Spring Break & our 3X birthday party!!

I'm not sure who's more excited...the kids or me :)

Favorites

As I prepare for their homecoming beginning of the summer I try to savor each moment. Truly one of my favorite things is bedtime. Not because I'm exhausted but because I get to say their prayers, talk about their days, and my "favoritest" part...

Singing Jesus Loves Me. I love hearing them sing it as they yawn and begin to drift off to sleep.

I am reminded daily that He loves me with all His heart and I get to share that joy with three young hearts who I have seen not only grow physically but spiritually. I love it when G prays for his younger brother & sister or his sick friend.

Thank you Father for fulfilling my hearts desire even if it is only for just a few months. My heart is filled with such love for them and I am so quickly reminded that is only a fraction of how much YOU love ME! Thank you again for loving me!

I can't help but wonder...

The past 12 days have been a complete roller coaster. I want to document as much as I can because I know this isn't going to last forever. I remember the anticipation of Shawn & I as we were expecting them at 5 but they didn't show till 6. The dogs were outside with their bones. The house was vacuumed. The beds were made. Dinner was on the stove. We were ready...as we could be.

It made me happy to see Shawn sitting on the front steps as they pulled in the drive. I was scared to walk out the door. We sat down and wrote out questions to ask. Didn't realize that nothing else was going to mattered that evening.

Then the first few minutes after they walked in...showing them around...hearing S(4) answer "I Know!" to everything that I showed her. Watching G(just turned 8 a few days before) flip and flop all over his bed, EXCITED (for the moment) to have his own bed. Then there was little L(1) holding so tightly to the case workers shirt but asking for a banana.

They were so hungry, excited, scared, dirty, sick, ready, misunderstood, sad, covered, lonely, loving, talkitive.

The first night they slept...I slept...Shawn always sleeps...

My # 1 surprise that first night...not EVERY child likes spaghetti

Mile Marker of today...We brushed teeth this morning with out tears.

Fact about parenthood I'm realizing...I need a bigger car & purse...

One of my favorite things...Listening to them laugh!

My prayer for today...Father help each pecious child to learn to trust YOU early on & to remain faithfully commited to Your ways throughout their lives.

I can't help but wonder why God chose us to be blessed by these children. I can't help but wonder how long we will be in their lives.

I know it's only day 12...but I will be sad if/when they leave.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to PROSPER you and NOT TO harm you, plans to give you HOPE and a FUTURE. Jeremiah 29:11

Thankful for that promise :)