Summer Camp

Just in my office for a few but I wanted to jot down a few things before I head back out again. Finished up with probably the BEST Jr/Sr High camp EVER!!! I only have one word to describe it right now AMAZING. I can't wait to sit down and be able to blog about it because I don't want to ever forget how truly amazing it was. Here is just one picture of how much fun these kids had.

I have a little work I need to finish up for this week and then I am back off to Elementary Camp that started this week. Praying all who read this blog are having a blessed summer.

Choices...

Ahhhh it's Friday! My day off...It feels like the first day I've had off in FOREVER! It's just that the days are so jammed full these days it is nice to be able to sit and enjoy.

Summer time has to be hands down my busiest season. Which I kind of don't like because that's when everyone wants to hang out & be outside but I'm so crazy busy its hard to enjoy it. We have 2 camps & VBS coming up. So we have a planning meetings, fund raisers, parent meeting, brainstorming meetings. All kinds of stuff. Crazy!

Saw this video on another blog that I love to read. I walked around singing this for the rest of the day. I am in such a busy season right now working with so many people things can sometimes be unsettling. Stepping out in leadership can be difficult at times. Having to put my faith in God that He has placed the right people in front of me at the right times and that He has given me the wisdom to read their gifts & abilities correctly to place them in a spot where they will thrive yet grow. But even when/if they fail, because EVERYONE is human, I can still hold my head up and say no matter what God I will bless your name.

There are so many other areas in my life that I let the eroding waters of sin in my heart at times. Whether it is if we will ever have a baby, or if it is a negative spirit towards my husband, or leadership in the church. All of those things can be stopped by just one thing...Worshiping God. The maker, creator, perfecter of my faith! Blessed be YOUR name! Today (and everyday hopefully) I pray that my heart will choose to say BLESSED BE YOUR NAME!

Describe Him

The past week has been full of tremendous blessing for us. I am tired and crazy busy @work so I can't post all about it now. This past Sunday we received another confirmation that God has promised us a child and he is coming and that we need to stand firm on the promises that God has given us. I will post on that more later as well as some more beautiful puppy pictures! Harley is a cutie even if I do say so myself! But for now...

Saw this today and wanted to share it. When I saw this I started wondering...

How do you describe God?

Our 1st Harley!

It has been a busy week this week. Not only at work, with VBS & camps coming up but with our personal life. We've had lots of exciting changes come about.

After waiting 12 years to FINALLY get something new...THANKFUL and BLESSED for what we have...we were able to get a new living room couch, chair & ottoman. SO EXCITED!!! It smells so good in our house! I LOVE IT!!!

The house we live in now we put all our old living room stuff down stairs in the basement in hopes that we would get sometime new for upstairs. We finally did! I have found many things that I liked but not matching BOTH criteria...price & quality. Well this Memorial Day weekend...we got it! This isn't our living room but I had to show you a picture! I just save the picture from the store and posted it. I can't see to find my camera right now.

Our other new addition this week was our 1st Harley! Not a two wheeled on but a four legged one. We brought Harley home last night. She did fairly well for her 1st night at her new home. After an early morning jaunt out to pee everyone is now sound asleep back in bed except me. Yes you read that right. One husband & 2 labs in bed with me...MAN do I need a King size bed or WHAT??!!

Thank you Lord for all the blessings bestowed on us this week! Thank your for your endless love and grace. Help us to continue to grow and be good stewards of the blessings you have given us.

I guess I should try to catch some shut eye too before her breakfast bell rings. Here is a cute picture I took of her last night. Isn't she CUTE???

Exactally How Big Is Immeasurably?

Ephesians 3:20...

It seems like everywhere I turn lately it's there. I'll open my Bible and it's there...I'll read different devotionals and it's there...

This verse has been running through my head over and over again day & night. Literally I have woke up in the middle of the night thinking of it. In Psalms 1:2 it says But his delight is in the law of the Lord & on his law he meditates day & night. I didn't realize He was going to make me actually meditate day and night on Ephesians 3:20! :)

Websters Dictionary defines immeasurably as: incapable of being measured ; indefinitely extensive. WOW! That's pretty big. Pretty much incomprehensible.


Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us… Ephesians 3:20 NIV

God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us… Ephesians 3:20 The Message

Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think… Ephesians 3:20 New Living Translation

Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us…Ephesians 3:20 American Standard Version

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us… Ephesians 3:20 Today's New International Version

All this makes me wonder what God is up to. I know that one day (hopefully in the near future) I will look back and have an AH-HA moment and say "I understand now!"

Crazy to think that... In me There is strength to move a mountain In me There is faith to walk on water In me If I just believe The Way and the Truth and the Life is in me. (In Me Rebecca St. James)

What do you see?

What do you see when you look in the mirror? Do you see a masterpiece? It's hard to do sometimes. To see youself the way God sees you. There is so much more I could say but I don't say it like the Skit Guys. I love them!



Mirror Mirror on the wall I'M God's Masterpiece after all!

My Sister

I LOVE MY SISTER!

I received a present in the mail today from my sister. Which if you know her that is not uncommon. She is one of the most giving people that I know. Usually it is something random that I had mentioned on the phone. Or sometimes it is a ton of makeup that she didn't like from the free samples. Sometimes, it's hair crack!! (Talk about that another day)One time it was a CHI!! So excited! I could straighten my hair.

Today when I opened my package I cried. I pulled out the sweetest card.

It said, "Sister, Just thinking of all the ways my world is a better place because you're my sister. Happy (belated) Mother's Day!" Then she wrote; Dear Kara, Who have always been a Mother, You just haven't been sent your babies yet."

And my brother in law wrote, "Your Mom needs a normal grand kid. So let's speed up the action and spit one out. Love Uncle to be DW"

Inside was a key that said Believe, 64 inspirational quotes, and an digital EPT test.

I love it when God uses people to wrap His arms around you...

Coming Soon!

We went last night and picked out our new addition to our family! Her name will be Harley or Bailey. We are going to wait to get her home before we choose a name. She is very uniquely marked. Light yellow all over expect for her back feet and the tips of her ears. She has blue eyes right now. Hopefully they will stay!

We should be bringing her home the beginning of the 2nd week in June. Just in time for me to go to camp for two weeks, VBS, then a conference! Shawn has his work cut out for him...but he is the one that keeps insisting.

Here is a picture from last visit with her.

Sorry I haven't really learned how to line up all the picture right...all the time.

Memorial Day

Had a BLAST this Memorial Day! The pool is open...the weather was great but we packed up and headed to North Carolina to visit friends.

We traveled with our Ohio friends The Johnson's to North Carolina. Something we have never done before was traveling that far with a two year old. I have to say...Company was awesome! I haven't laughed that hard or that much in FOREVER!!! Travels were safe! Church was UNBELIEVEABLE!

Shawn & Troy were nice enough to allow us to completely crash at their house! Man do we miss them! We always love seeing them. They are the type of friends that you wish you could take them with you every where you move.

We arrived there about 10 on Friday night then got up and went to Smithfield the next day for a little shopping. Came home and cooked out and went swimming. You know you can do that in NC. The water is warmer than 50 degrees.

Sunday was church day. It was like walking in to a huge family reunion! We had a blast! Pastor's sermon was right on and P&W was so refreshing. We miss our NC family so much it hurts every time we leave. We even were able to meet with Pastor Richard for coffee on Monday. It was nice to catch up with him.

I leave you with my favorite picture from he weekend...I have more and even made them into a slide show but I can't get it to post.

Just imagine driving down the road and reading a sign that says...

PORN BURNS...STAY COOL!

That Time of Year...Already???

I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. John 15:5

HOLY COW!!! Can you believe that Vacation Bible School is only 8 weeks away! WOW!!! How did it get here so quickly! I am so excited! Summer has ALWAYS been my favorite time of year ever since I was little. Now... it no longer means a little R&R...resting and relaxing and recuperating...It now means 2 weeks of Camp 1 week of Vacation Bible School and weeks upon weeks of P&P... PRAYER &PREPARATION! And this year we are not only taking kids to camp we are theme for Vacation Bible School is CAMP! So even the preschoolers will get to experience some form of camp! It is going to be so much fun!!!!!

This is where YOU come in to play!

Will you commit to praying for our VBS & Camps!

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.” Matthew 7:7-8

Camp & VBS Preparation:
• Order and structure in preparing curriculum and classrooms
• Favor in receiving supplies and donations
• Responsible, Spirit-filled adults to volunteer

Prepare volunteers:
• To minister to the children and their families
• To be patient, to show kindness and love, to use wisdom
• To cooperate and to be courteous to church staff, VBS & Camp Directors, and other volunteers

Prepare the VBS & Camp children:
• To be excited about participating
• To be good listeners and to be respectful
• To learn their memory verses
• To receive Christ as their Savior
• To take the love of Jesus home to their families

Prepare parents and guardians:
• To send their children to our fun filled summer events
• To participate in their children’s experience.
• To be punctual in dropping off and picking up their children.
• To attend all the final programs
• To witness and experience the love of Christ

Summer Events Conclusion:
• Salvation of children and their families
• Families to find a home church
• Growth in families’ relationships with Christ and each other
• Rest for all church staff and volunteers

One think I love about blogs is that no matter where you live...no matter what church you attend...if we are willing to allow God to use us we can lift each others needs and desires up in prayer. For without prayers...For without remaining in HIM...we are nothing...No fruit will come of our labors.

Weekend Events

Last Thursday I realized I was on day 28 and if I didn't get into the Dr today than I was going to have to wait till next Thursday which may be too late to get my WONDERFUL colmid. So I called and made and appointment.

Day 28 no spotting and temperature was still up! The Dr. even seems to be optimistic. I was attempting not to let my self get too excited. He told me not to take a test until day 12 DPO. That would be Friday...I could wait one day. I figured I'll wait...for some reason my body likes to start on Friday's. Likes to play with my weekend like that! So I made a deal with my self if my temperature was still up on Saturday morning (day 30) than I would take a test. I woke up at freaking 5AM on Saturday took my temperature and sure enough it was still at 98.6. Laid in bed until my bladder was going to bust got up and took the test and went back to bed.

I tried to talk my self in to actually going back to sleep. If your pregnant you will still be pregnant in 3 more hours. If your not nothing is going to change there either. I laid there for what I thought was at least an hour of two (more like 30 mins) got up and went and checked the test and it was negative again...I KNEW I wasn't going back to sleep then so I got up and took Sadie on an almost 2 hour walk. It was a beautiful Saturday morning. I am really beginning to enjoy my walks with Sadie. She is such a good dog.

Saturday went well. We opened the pool, which at this point in time is a beautiful greenish color. Then we went across the street to a 2 year old BD party where I do believe pregnant women came from far and wide just to be there! Everyone talking about when they are going to start trying again.

Then Sunday, where my job as a Children's Pastor is difficult emotionally for me at times. Helping parents from all walks of life and stages of life is hard when once again I'm not sure if my day will come to hold my own. This Sunday I had three different people come up to me for different reasons 3 different people come up to me... The first saying I was praying for you this week...it's your month your next! While yet another saying I think my 16 year old son may have gotten his girlfriend pregnant...Yet still another said Your just not trying hard enough to have a baby...must not be doing something right.

Needless to say Sunday was a difficult day, but with God's strength and grace I was able to make it through. But after working a 12 hour day on the way home I turned off the radio and allowed my self to cry. My wonderful husband had cleaned the kitchen just so when I got home there was no excuse for me not to climb into bed and cuddle with him! That felt like God hugging me. God knew exactly what I needed and who I needed it from most. For anyone who knows my husband knows that he is not a cuddler and thankfully my love language is not physical touch.

Then to start my week off JUST perfectly my friend Sarah post this on her facebook...it is TOOO funny NOT to share. I wonder if this is what it will be like when Shawn & I have our baby!

God of Wonders!

For by Christ all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by Christ and for him. He is before all things, and in him all things

hold together. Colossians 1:16&17

I heard an interesting message this morning that I wanted to share. There have been times throughout my entire life when I wonder HOW I am going to make it through something. How am I going to survive or get on the other side of something where I dont' think of it day in and day out...to move on and not let the negative over come the positive. I learned this morning that it's Laminin that actually holds me together. Watch this and you will see what I mean.

Don't forget to mute the side bar music before you play.

Thank you Father for creating every single miraculous detail of our being to worship and honor YOU! Thank you for allowing the cross to hold me together physically, spiritually, and emotionally. Thank you that YOU alone are God, My King, My Daddy...

No Rain...Yet

Came to the realization the other day that it wasn't raining when Noah built the ark. Yes I knew that for sometime but it really hit me as we finished the "baby's room" the other day...Mother's Day...

This home improvement project has been one of the most emotional projects that I have ever done. This past New Year's Shawn told me he felt like we needed to begin preparing the baby's room. I couldn't believe how hard it was for me to agree to begin this project. Thankfully we have a few friends that have been extremely persistent about encouraging us with this undertaking.

When we moved into this house a few years ago this was the 1st thing that I wanted to change. Then I realized it was going to have to go on the back burner because it involved much more time than we had.

I apologize in advance if this offends anybody...but this is MY blog and if you have a problem with it...don't read it! It was PINK FLOWER WALLPAPER!! WHAT were they thinking??? Then after we FINALLY got all the wall paper down I realized something...our house had at one point in time our house had been invested with SMURFS!!! Ridiculous blue! To be honest I liked the blue better than the freaking pink flowers!

The room is finally done...it went from Smurf infested to a beautiful "Haystack" color above the chair rail and "Mountain Ridge" below the chair rail. In Crayola colors that is a light yellow & a beautiful brown.

One of our friends gave us a crib before Eli was born and they wanted us to keep it for our baby. When "the kids" moved back home with their mother the crib stayed with us and has been in the basement ever since. This weekend, as we finished the room, the last piece of furniture that went in was the crib.
You can see the ipod in the crib...We have Praise & Worship music playing 24/7. Hopefully I don't have to wait till I'm 600 years old for MY rain to come! :)

As I come to the end of my 2 week wait, I'm prayerfully hopeful that this crib will be filled with in the next year. I ask that God will give me the emotional strength to enter that room each day to pray for our child.

Do you remember my New Year's Resolution?? That's how I felt this weekend...a little crazy!

You are the God who performs miracles; you display your power among the peoples. Psalm 77:14

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us,to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. Ephesians 3:20&21

God YOU are my rock. God YOU are my refuge. God YOU are my strength. Father please hide me when the pressures of life overwhelm my heart. When my heart is weighed down with the burdens of life come my way and the answers aren't always easy to see, I cry out to you Lord MY rock, your very present help in time of trouble, You are the author and perfecter of my faith.

It's HOT in here!

"If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king. But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up." Daniel 3:17-18

I've been hot before but never this hot! This past week God has laid on my heart many different ways to read up on Daniel's three buddies...You know Shady Mady and Bennie? It continues to amaze me that all three had the faith to stand up and say "I don't know what God is doing BUT I know HE has my best interest at heart."

Try to imagine standing there looking into your own fiery pit and having someone say to you "IF you don't do what I say you will be thrown in there." Can you feel the heat? I can. There are so many times in my life when I can feel the heat of the fire or hear the roar of the lions. I feel it sometimes when I am looking at my own issues of trust. Whether it's IF, my husband, or my job...wondering "God do you REALLY know what you are doing?"

Am I REALLY ready to jump in to the blazing furnace with both feet? or am I hanging on to the edge with both hands saying, "Let me think about this!"

My desire is to be like Daniel & his friends...Whether it be a lion's den or a fire pit. God I KNOW I am in your hands. In saying that this is NOT an invitation for evil to throw Lions or Fiery Pits at me it is a declaration of knowing that even if God doesn't change my circumstances I serve a God who is MIGHT TO SAVE!!!

What is something that you have had to stand on the edge of the blazing fire pit and feel the heat from and just trust God with?

LOUD Music!

Have you ever had one of those days when you can feel the JUNK of life moving in on you? Ever had a time when you had to CHOOSE to trust God like you NEVER have before? or He is asking you to OBEY him like he never has before? I had that feeling this morning. Want to know what I did? I turned the music up as loud as it could go in my car and PRAISED Him all the way to work. Singing so loud that the people in the car next to me on the interstate probably heard me! Wonder if He sends extra angles down to guide my car when I start doing that. Sometimes I can feel a exhale around me when I put the car in park at my work!

What do you do when you feel life's JUNK moving in on you?

Needing to Soak

I need to soak...


not because I have been painting the same room for the past 2 weeks and have paint all over me...although I did...not because I have been working out in the yard pulling weeds and cutting down bushes trying to get the yard ready for spring/summer...although I did...not because I have taken Sadie on a long walk in the woods by our house, which is one of my all time favorite things to do...although I have.

I need to soak in God's presence...Doing what I do for a living sometimes its hard to take time to find the presence of God. I know sounds weird huh?? Working at a church and find it hard to find God? It certainly isn't for a lack of SEEING God. WOW!! I have the opportunity to see God work on a daily basis just because I believe He is still working and moving in this world today! My problem is that there are times when I am too busy serving and have no time to find God's presence the way that I am use to doing. For me...that is one of the BIGGEST things that God showed me in Rocky Mount...I had access to HIM. One of the biggest ways was through praise and worship.


Sometimes I feel like a frantic child in the middle of a store who can't find their Daddy and the business of the store keeps going on around and no one is seeing my panic. Ever had one of those dreams where you can yell but needed too? That would be how this child must feel. Or there are other times when I feel like I am too hurt or wounded to even turn around to lift my arms up to Him. It's like I don't understand the pain...all I know is that I'm lost and hurt.


I know my life's story has not been totally revealed yet? All I see right now is that I don't have have my heart has desired since the time I was a child. Sometimes it's hard to remember, I can't see the entire description of my life yet! There’s simply not enough room in my heart or mind to contain all that MY Father has planned for me. I pray that one day, as my Father chooses to show me His plan for my life in His perfect timing, the story will make sense. Until then I am comforted by the fact that I can soak in His presence...


"I wanna sit at your feet drink from the cup in your hand. Lay back against you and breath, here your heart beat This love is so deep, it's more than I can stand. I melt in your peace, it's overwhelming" Kari Jobe, The More I seek You.

Thankful...

Last evening I received this email from my brother who lives in Costa Rica. It read...

We were going to Playa Ventannas and passed the entrance, so I went to the next commercial center turned around and came back. I went to turn left, to enter the beach and some guy behind me went to pass and clipped the back end of our car, spun us around and we rolled the car three times. Its a miracle we walked away with only some bumps, bruises and scratches. We have a rental for now and the car was taken to San Isidro to the body shop. In the end, its only a car and we are OK. Hope to see everyone soon. -KC

A few things that he doesn't state in the email is...The driver's side roof collapsed all the away to the head rest. Keith was driving but not wearing his seat belt. When the car finished rolling he was standing where the driver's side window should have been. I am thinking in this case it was probably good Keith didn't have his seat belt on. He would have been strapped in and unable to move to land on his feet and possibly would have been crushed. Becky, who was wearing her seat belt, walked away with a scratch and a bruised elbow. Kian was with Becky's parents so he was safe. He now believes that God has a purpose for his life and he better live up to it. As he say...In the end its only a car...

Thank you Father for saving my big brother. I don't want to imagine life with out him right now. Here are a few pictures of his truck.

Grace & Love

I was just speaking of God's grace this morning and how amazing it is to be loved so unconditionally.

God has shown me a great deal throughout that past couple days of how difficult it is for us to extend that kind of love and grace to each other. Although that is exactly what we are called to do. I as a wife, daughter, sister, friend, am called to be a face to God's love and grace to those whom He places in my path.

I don't do it effectively enough at times but am constantly striving to understand HIS love and grace so I can be more like Him!

*before playing this video please mute the side bar music*


Watch the video again...and ask God to show you...

What sign would I be holding?

"Grace and peace be yours in abundance through the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord." Hebrews 1:2

FINALLY!!!

GOD IS GOOD!!! You will never believe it! It has finally happened!!! I can't wait to share this news with you!

I GET TO WEAR SHORTS THIS WEEKEND!!!!!!

Friday: partly cloudy. Much warmer with highs around 80. South winds 15 to 20mph.
Friday Night: partly cloudy. Not as cool with lows in the upper 50s.
Saturday: mostly sunny. Highs in the lower 80s. Southwest winds 15 to 20 mph.
Saturday Night: mostly clear. Lows in the mid 50s.
Sunday: mostly sunny in the morning, then becoming partly cloudy. Highs in the upper 70s.

DID YOU SEE THAT????? We FINALLY after 7 LONG COLD CLOUDY months will be able to wear shorts, open the windows, grill!!!! We'll be opening the pool and putting out the diving board soon!!! So come on over to GREAT North East Ohio for a swim!



I have to say Ohio summers are the best! It's coming I know it! I see God's promises everywhere I look!!!
















All this excitement makes me wonder...
What's your favorite season where you live?

Faith NOW

Did you realize that the word FAITH is used 256 in the Bible. That's not including the ones that talk about about being faithful or faithfulness. All combined there are 422. I never knew that.

This week God has really been speaking to me about faith and hope every where I turn. From the message on Sunday to a few blogs that I read. He has continued to till away at that soil in my heart. As Christians Faith is something that we stand firm on. Right? Why is it that sometimes what seems so simple is so hard to do. That NO MATTER what's happening or where I am I stand firm in my Faith in you God. Because YOU, the King of Kings have promised me, "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1 He has clearly defined to us what FAITH is. My favorite example to use with kids when they start questioning God is to take them outside and have them feel the wind on their face. The conversation usually goes something like this...

"Did you feel that?"

"yeah I felt it"

"What was it?"

usually with a crazy look "it was the WIND Ms. Kara"

"I didn't see any wind? Are you SURE it was the wind? Wind can't exist...I can't see it?"

"i know it is there because I felt it"

"EXACTLY! We may not always be able to hear God but we can feel God. Does the wind not exist because we can't see it? NO we felt it and know it exists."

To a child all they need is to know that things exist with out seeing and they believe! If we could all enter in with such childlike faith. There are so many things that we are believing in faith and hoping for and earnestly seeking God for. There are times when He is quite...Does He not exist because He doesn't answer when we ask? No that's not the case.

One day when I look at God face to face I hope He doesn't say, "You of little faith, why are you so afraid?..." Matthew 8:26 Instead when I look Him and see my reflection in His eyes hearts desire is that He will say"...Well done, good and faithful servant!..." Matthew 25:21

What I have (re)learned this week is that what God has in store for us could be so much different and better than what we could have ever hoped for or dreamed of. But no matter what my faith, my hope, my praise MUST without a doubt stand firm in HIM!

Yesterday I read...“Hope is hearing the music of the future; faith is dancing to it today,” ~ William Frey.

When is it hardest for you to stand firm on your faith?

Spring has Sprung!

I decided to work from home today. I needed a break from the emotional roller coaster I feel like hasn't stopped in a while. Knowing Shawn would leave for work early I would have the entire day with just Sadie & I, thought I should take advantage of a day like this and work from my bed. There are still a TON of things that need to be done around the house that I will hopefully get to today, but as I sit here in bed with my third cup of coffee listening to the gentle rain outside I am reassured that Spring has Sprung.

When I think of Spring...I think of the restoration of new life of things that were once dead...And the birth of new life that has yet to enter this world. Ever since moving to Ohio I get so excited about my tulips popping out from the ground each spring. The anticipation of the pool cover coming off and the official 1st day of pool/grilling season!

The new life entering the world I see so clearly in Shawn does...Shawn works with farmers so I get excited about all the baby animals being born in the spring. One year I was able to feed a calf! And when the grower & Shawn had their backs turned I took the bottle out of her mouth and felt her lips and teeth buds and tongue!!! I know I'm weird but it was COOL!!! This year I am hoping to see a piglet and a lamb. Apparently we are going mushroom hunting one Saturday morning. Don't worry these aren't the kind you smoke! In just a few weeks we are going to pick out our new "baby". One of Shawn's growers has a yellow lab that is about ready to have puppies. They said we can have first pick! Sadie needs a playmate. At least that's what we are blaming the craziness of having two labs on.

Yesterday I played my harp at church for the first time in years. I LOVED IT!! I loved it with every ounce of my being! I was finally able to worship God with my music. It was only by His doing that I didn't throw up in front of everyone. I caught myself second service with my eyes closed just playing away! WORSHIPING! I could feel my soul saying AHHHHHHHHH...

This Spring I can't help but feel the tilling of the ground that God is doing in my heart. When I rest in Him I feel the work He's doing in me. I need the refreshing breeze of God's breath on my heart...my life. I need the sometimes painful tilling of my heart. I need the gentle rain of the tears of my spirit pooling up in God's hands. I need YOU Lord!

Winter seems to last forever here in Ohio. While there is some beauty in winter I wish it only lasted until January. That's kind of how I've felt here for a while. That I was stuck in my winter...in my dying state..in my desert...in my aloneness. But for the past month as much as I have tried to ignore it I feel God tilling away...plowing away in my heart. He has been planting new seeds, restoring and refreshing old plants, dreams and desires. He is moving me to a new harvest.

So now it is my time to arise from my winter...to leave my desert...where I have laid, wept, and prayed. Change my clothes, wash myself off in His presence and His glory and do something that has be difficult for me to do since leaving Rocky Mount...WORSHIP! I can dance and sing a new song of praise to my heavenly Father!

Spring has Sprung...What do you love best about Spring?

It's FRIDAY!

I'm not sure if I have ever been so happy to see Friday get here. With the passing of our first "baby" this week, the beginning of yet another cycle, and yet one more Dr.'s appointment it's nice to know it's FRIDAY! Saturday is coming...A day to rest reorganize and be restored. At least I hope that is what tomorrow brings.

As for my Dr's appointment. I waited almost an hour for a 3 minute conversation that consisted of Yep you defiantly ovulated and Yep you defiantly aren't pregnant this month but I don't see why you shouldn't be pregnant with in the next two cycles. I am praying he is right. I still haven't talked to Shawn about my appointment as of yet. Not sure if he is going to want to continue trying or if I have the emotional capability to to keep this going for two more months. Just praying that God will bring peace to whatever decision we go with.

Great news though...My tulips are getting tall by the day. Sadie had a great day at the doggie spa yesterday, and she is still in bed asleep next to me. She's such a good dog! It's going to be 70 degrees tomorrow! That means Spring is really here. And I get to clean this morning and have tomorrow off from both work and home! YEAH!!!

Enjoy your weekend! I know I will!!!

I Wish Someone Would Tell Me...

I have learned a lot this month by charting my temperatures. It is interesting to actually see it on paper. I have learned that I don't even come close to ovulating on the 14 day...it looks like I might even just ovulate twice in a month...I've learned that Drs can be wrong...all those years when I was told by one Dr not to take my basal body temperature because it was "barbaric" to tell if you were ovulating that taking my blood worked better was wrong...I've learned that my 6 month window of becoming pregnant after the surgery that I had in December is one month closer to coming to an end...I've learned that my husband is seriously struggling with this infertility issue.

What I wish someone could tell me is when to let go of my dream of being a mom? Is laying my dream daily down on the alter giving up? When is enough enough? When is my dream dead?

It's easier to a degree with My Dad, My Friend, My Dog...Letting them go was HARD oh so HARD. But I knew that #1 there were in a better place and were no longer ever going to be in pain or have to struggle again. #2 their physical death was the definite beginning of the letting go precess. It's hard to realize sometimes when your dreams die.

Do I still want to be a mom??? YES!!! I want to have Shawn's baby with ever ounce of my being. Until someone tells me I can't. But I often wonder if I should be letting go of this dream and moving forward into something else. I often wonder if that dream that I had in Rocky Mount about our son was just that only a dream.

My God is a God who performs miracles. Maybe having Shawn's baby isn't the miracle He wants to perform in me. He knows that plans that He has for me...He said He wants to prosper me and not to harm me...maybe having Shawn's baby would harm me. He said that He would grant me abundant prosperity in the fruit of my womb. Maybe that wasn't in baby form...What I'm trying to say is I DON'T DOUBT GOD...what I doubt is my interpretation of what I've read, heard, feel.

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2Corinthinas 12:9-10.

And so the weaker I get, the stronger He becomes in me.

I go to the Dr tomorrow to take him my wonderful BBT chart and to see what the next step is. Then I come home to discuss the plan with my wonderful husband. We will pray about our plan lay it on the alter and ask God if and when we let go of our dream.

My 1st Baby

We lost our first baby last night. Razy was the best dogie and is now playing in heaven with my Dad. Swimming in the ponds...chewing on some bones...not in pain anymore!


About 2 months after Shawn & I got married we decided to add to our family. Shawn ALWAYS wanted a lab but being newly married we had no money. I saw a sign on the side of the road that said "FREE golden lab pups". Perfect! that is JUST what we needed. FREE PUPPY! I learned a very valuable lesson...no puppy is FREE...Quickly talked Shawn into going to get a puppy. So Sunday after church we went to go pick out our FREE golden lab puppy. We pulled into the yard, back past the house, and next to an outside pin filled with about 10 puppies and the mama. Mama did look like a yellow lab and so did all the puppies...except for one. Shawn told me I could choose, anyone that I wanted! I played, held, loved on almost everyone, then I spotted THE one in the back of the dog house that momma was protecting. I asked the young boy who came out to help us if I could see that one. I was love at first sight! She was so cute! All black head, a white necklace around her neck, white tipped paws, INFESTED with fleas and about 1/2 the size of all the other puppies there. THAT'S THE ONE!!! Shawn agreed and we took her home!


There were some "rules" put into place by my husband as we were driving home. She is to stay in her cage while we were at work. Not unreasonable. We are NOT spending a ton of money on toys. Ok. Within the week she must go to the vet. No problem. Under NO circumstances is she suppose to sleep in our bed. Sure. Brought her home bathed her with dish soap to get the fleas off and completely fell in love with this four legged baby. That night we put her in her cage and went to bed. She cried and cried!! Shawn the "rule maker" rolls over and says...."May be she could come and sleep with us?" I agreed and she never spent another night in the pin.


She truly was the perfect dog. Not too big not to small a perfect 35 pounds. She could hold her own around playing kids and loved to be snuggled by them. One of my ALLL time favorite pictures is when I would take Razy to the house where I was a nanny and she was laying in the middle of the living room and Annie would lay on her back with her thumb in mouth and her head on Razy's belly. She LOVED to be LOVED! She knew the difference between her all white paw and her mostly brown paw. My favorite trick, the one she hated the most, was she could balance a treat on her nose and in her day would flip it up in the air and catch it in her mouth. She LOVED swimming in the pool, beach, pond, water!!! We'd ask her if she wanted to take a bath and she would beat to the bathroom. She even swallowed and passed a golf ball when she was a puppy. She was the type of dog that made even those who didn't like dogs like her...Right Troy??? :) Whether it be Florida, Maryland, North Carolina, or Ohio she was a dog that would touch your heart when you met her!

Thank you God for taking her quickly. Thank you for almost 12 wonderful years with our first "baby". If you know us at all you know she was our "baby"! Thank you Father for your peace during this time. I would never give up the past twelve years for the sadness I feel today.

Who knew a dog would be missed by so many!

Rest in peace my Razy Girl!!!
June 14, 1997 - April 13, 2009
...she was born on our wedding day! yet one more thing that made her so special...

One Question...

I have to admit I think I have had the same hair style for almost 30 years. Well not really but a long time. I have been trying something new lately with my hair. Actually it's been about a year since my friend/hairdresser started straightening it but only a few months since I actually tried it. I can't decide which way is better...what do you think?

Straight? OR Curly?

I do realize the pictures aren't the best. I never claimed to be a photographer that's for sure. I also do realize that in the large scheme of things this really means nothing but... Just was thinking this would be a neat thing to see what other people who don't see me everyday or ever for that matter. By the way the cute adorable baby in the picture above is Kian...and those eyes are even more incredible in person. I'll have to see if I can find a newer picture that you can see his eyes in.

Hope you all are having a wonderful week!

Freckles

One of my friends here in Ohio has two little boys, ages 3 and almost 2. I was sitting at her house the other day and she was telling me a story about the 3 year old. Who by the way is 100% boy, wants to jump, climb, swing, and hunt anything that moves, but has the most caring side I have ever seen in a boy of that age. Any time you walk in the door he is so excited to see you and can not wait to wrap his arms around you. He is so sweet! She asked him to show me what he had got from the store. He comes up and shows me his arm. There are two tiny brand new freckles on his forearm.

Me: Wow Brayden those are nice freckles! Where did you get those from?
Brayden: I gott’em at the store.
Me: That’s pretty cool! How did you get them at the store?
Brayden: I paid for’em with my monies.

I laughed and he walks off very proud of his new freckles.

I just can’t help but think how much I want & can't wait to watch freckles grow.

Hi...My name is Martha

Yes, apparently I have changed my name without even knowing it. I am no longer Kara or Mary. I am Martha... Realizing this fact over the past few days has been difficult for me. And I'm not even sure when that happened...

Life is busy. Everyone's life can get busy at times. I mean between attempting to rebuilding a children's ministry of a church, paying bills, cleaning the house, running errands, spending time with my husband, trying to conceive, planning trips to the dr. between work, keeping up with what "day" I'm on, scheduling another round of fertility treatments...wow the list could go on and on. It is so easy to get caught up in the busy-ness that I end up forgetting sometimes what is most important.

In the past when I would read or study the story about Martha & Mary (Luke 10:38-42) I KNEW I was a Mary. I just wanted to be close to Jesus no matter the cost. I wanted to sit at His feet. My ALL time P&W song is The more I seek you. I really do want to sit at His feet drink from the cup in His hand lean back aginst Him and feel His heart beat. (I am totally drawn in to songs where you can paint a word picture. I don't like just singing the words I want to feel and see the words.) That desire still lives inside but for one reason or another I have put it on the back burner and chosen to take of the roll of Martha. Too busy to sit and wait on God. That hurts me...and if it hurts me how much more does it hurt Him.

I have been praying and trying to figure out how I got to this point. What happened that caused this change in me? Is it because I work full time in the ministry now. Ironic yes I know. You'd think working at a church is the best most rewarding place to work. And it is at times. But just like every other job it has its ups and downs. Is it the quest for a baby that pushed me in to my Martha state? Is it desire to have everything neat and organized in my life? (it's so not there...I did say desire.)

God has shown me some good news...it doesn't matter when it happened or how it happened...He'll continue to show me when it's time. But as for now there is alway room at Jesus' feet for me...to praise Him, worship Him, cry with Him, lay my hopes and dreams down, sit with Him, and soak in Him. This weekend He showed that's where my hiding place is with Him. Because when I'm there it just me and Him and that's exactally what He wants...and so do I.

**mute side bar music when you play this song**

Friends!

Have I ever told you what WONDERFUL friends we have been blessed with???

God has blessed Shawn & I with wonderful friends...from everywhere! I remember when we first moved to Maryland away from my family and the first of my adult friends. For months I cried and cried saying PLEASE God give me friends. He did. When we moved to NC I was a little wiser...I started praying before we moved and began praying God please prepare friends for Shawn and I there that will last a lifetime and let us meet them quickly! He did yet again. We moved in shifts to Ohio but that didn't stop God from forming friendships and bonds that seem like we have known each other for ever.

I say all that because during each of our moves we have been trying to conceive and people sometimes don't know what to do with that. So many of our friends have had "quick" pregnancy. They decide they want to have a baby and with in a month or two they are pregnant. Even some that have struggled but now have babies. I have the feeling that sometimes people just don't know what to do or say so they just back off or don't mention it. I have read and re-read this devotion almost everyday since I received it letting it seep in. My guess is that I am not the only person that God is going to put in your path struggling with infertility so here are somethings that I hope will help!

What Can I Do To Help?

If you love someone who is carrying the heavy load of unplanned “un-pregnancy”, you may find it difficult to know how to offer support for their struggle. They definitely need your encouragement, but it is sometimes so difficult for friends and family to know how to offer the support. As we struggle with infertility, our relationships with friends and family are undeniably touched. Those who conceive easily may have difficulty truly understanding the struggle an infertile couple faces every single day. In our effort to offer support for those who struggle, we submit these suggestions for ways that friends and family can offer their own support to those they love. These are simple, practical ways to show your love and support. If Sarah’s Laughter can help you in any way, please feel free to contact us at any time.

What to Say...
I’m so sorry.I’m praying for you. (Only say this if you really will pray!) How would you like me to pray for you? (Join in agreement with them in prayer. Don’t assume you know what they’re praying for. They may be praying for something that seems totally off the wall to you. You don’t have to understand why certain things are important. It may be important for your friend to not be invited to her cousin’s shower, or to be called into work on what should have been her due date. When you validate their feelings by praying in agreement with them, it can be a beautifully healing thing.)I’m here if you need to talk. (Then don’t be afraid of what they may say. Don’t be offended if they don’t want to talk. Being available to them as a sounding board is priceless.)

What NOT to say...
Relax, honey. It will happen. (This minimizes the hurt the couple is feeling. Also, sometimes it doesn’t happen.)You’re so lucky not to be tied down with kids. You can go on vacation any time you want.At least...you were only a few weeks along, At least...you have one child. At least...you have time with just the two of you. (A good rule of thumb is--if you start a sentence with “at least” it’s probably the wrong thing to say!)So whose fault is it--yours or his? (Infertility is not an issue of fault. It is a medical condition that carries a heavy emotional and spiritual burden. This is an intensely personal battle. If they want--or need--to share personal, medical information with you, let them. It’s really quite an honor to be trusted with such vulnerable information. If they don’t want to share, please don’t ask.)You can always have another baby. (Unfortunately, many who experience infertility also experience loss. Even if they are blessed with a houseful of other children, they still grieve the baby they’ve lost. They love this baby. They want this baby.I know how you feel. (No, you don’t. Even if you suffered with infertility or miscarriage, you cannot know exactly how this person feels. You may have a good idea based on your own experience, but not the specifics of this situation.) Don’t cry. It’ll be okay. (Let them cry. Let them cry with you or on you. Just let them cry.)

Be Sensitive...
Infertility and loss are excruciating experiences which tend to be extremely private. If someone dares to trust in you and shares these experiences with you, take their hurt very seriously even if you cannot relate to their pain. Maintain their confidence. If someone else questions you about your friend’s childlessness, keep the information to yourself. Even when others ask out of concern, remember the intimacy of this situation. If and when your friend wants to share with others, she will--just as she shared with you. Realize that baby showers and Mother's day are painful but they still want to be a part. These are excruciating events for those who struggle.Realize that the grief an infertile couple carries begins anew approximately every 28 days.Don’t panic if the couple “emotionally vomits” on you. Don’t cringe if they start talking about sperm counts or post-coital tests. Your support can be life giving to someone who feels like they are going to collapse under the weight of an empty cradle.Don’t be afraid of anger. Hurting people tend to lash out. If they are angry at their spouse, their doctor, their baby, their body or even at God, let them vent.Give hurting couples an “out” on Mother’s Day/Father’s Day, on days when you have a baby dedication at church, for baby showers, etc. Let them know about the dedication in advance if you are comfortable doing so, so that they can decide if they want to attend that Sunday. These are hard events to attend. Don’t criticize if they do not attend. However, follow up with them if they miss more than just the difficult days or if they are pulling away too much.Let them know you care. However it works for you and those you care for, just let them know you care.

As Philippians 4:13-14 says, we can do all things through Christ who gives us strength, but it is so good of you to share with your infertile friends/family in their trouble. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you for caring for hurting people and making such a wonderful effort to ease the pain of unintentional childlessness.
(c) 2009 Sarah’s Laughter-Christian Support for Infertility & Child Loss

I want to thank all of my friends that continue to pray for our miracle. Thank you for standing in the gap, holding our hand high when we can't, for BLESSING us by allowing us the privilege to love you and your children. God has strategically places each and every one of you in our lives...and our lives have been changed because of you! WE LOVE YOU! Spring has Sprung...have a wonderful weekend!!!

Have I told you about my Dad?

Have I ever told you that I have the best Dad in the WHOLE world? Well of course HE created it! Right now I'm not speaking of my earthly dad who was a wonderful father to me but about my Heavenly Father who ALWAYS has my back! Listen to what He did for me!


In response to my tears that have been shed and held back the past few days...Praying for comfort of some sort that I know would only come from HIM...Cynthia the councilor here at the church walks past me today and says..."Good Morning! I'll be right back. Don't go anywhere". Needless to say I was very curious. She comes down and says "I had the COOLEST thing happen last night!" She proceeds to tell me about how she woke up in the middle of the night and started praying for so many people and things in this church. Everyone needs an intercessor like Cynthia in their life. She then sets down something’s from a baby shower that we helped at a few weeks ago. She said, "God told me to give you this. This represents His promise to you and the conception that is about to happen." She tells me often how she prays for our baby and how "HE" looks just like Shawn.

He restores hope & comfort in very strategic moments. He knows me inside and out. Feelings said and unsaid. Thank you Father! I feel so blessed!

Confession

I have a confession to make...I have started to like the two week wait. You know the one in between ovulation and test day. For me those weeks are full of anticipation, hopefulness, excitement, planning for the possibility, and thankfulness that my body function correctly and actually did ovulate. Only to end that two week wait with a test that you are so desperate to pass. You’ve done your research…you’ve “studied” everyday what feels like day and night and you just don’t want to “study” or even talk about “studing” any more…you’ve prayed and cried out to God to PLEASE PLEASE to pass it just once of these test. To watch others test without a barely “studying” at all. You have done EVERYTHING that you have been instructed to do and yet you still fail the test.

The only thing that I find consistent about my cycle is that for 130 months I have gone without a positive test. WOW! Talk about failing! Now grant it we weren't actively trying all of those months but we were doing nothing to prevent it either. For me infertility is full of frustration and misunderstanding mixed with hopefulness and excitement that is hard to even put into words.

This month for many reasons has been more difficult for me than many of the previous months. It’s spring (or at least it will be shortly). It seems as though baby bellies are popping out everywhere. I have blessed enough to hold so many others sweet newborns. Pray over them, comfort them, and when they start screaming uncontrollably…hand them backJ. But this month I wanted it to be my month…OUR month…I so desperately wanted to tell Shawn’s father on his 60th birthday that he was finally going to be a “Grampie”. I wanted so desperately to tell all of my friends that have been praying and interceding for us THANK YOU!! We’re pregnant! I wanted so desperately to finally give Shawn this funny kid’s book I got him to welcome in to “Daddyhood”.

But instead this month I call the Dr. cancel my pregnancy test and order more clomid. Instead this month I continue to thank God that He is a fulfiller of promises. I thank Him for my body working correctly and actually ovulating. I thank Him for the relationship that He continues to build between Shawn & me. I thank Him for the wonderful husband that He has given me. The husband who use to never ask a thing and holds me when he knows I’ve started but I don’t want to talk about it. I thank Him for His love and grace when there are days when I don’t want to deal with “stupid people”.

But this month I will also continue to remember where I find my strength…
“…Stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is NOT in vain.” 1 Corinthians 15:58.

“Enlarge the place of your tent, stretch your tent curtains wide, do not hold back; lengthen your cords, strengthen your stakes. For you will spread out to the right and to the left; your descendants will dispossess nations and settle in their cities.” Isaiah 54:2-4

This month I will continue to stand firm knowing that MY God is the God that performs MIRACLES and displays his power among the people. Psalms 77:14.

This month is like many others…I wait with anticipation for God to fulfill His promise of what was spoke over our lives… “The Lord WILL grant you (US) abundantly prosperity in the fruit of your womb (that would by MY womb), the young of your livestock, and the crops of your ground, in the land that he swore to your forefathers to give you.” Numbers 23:19 .

Sarah's Laughter

I'm not talking about my friend Sarah's laughter, which it in itself is pretty infectious. If you know her you have love the laughter of THE Sarah W! Today I'm talking about this site I have recently found sarah's-laughter. I started receiving these Daily Devotionals from here and I love them! This one below was the one from today. I found it so impacting because it is not only valid not only for infertility but for life no matter what you have been praying for.

I’ll never forget that flight. As long as I live, I’ll always remember the fear that gripped me that day as I faced my mortality and prepared for my death.

I remember glancing out the window of the airplane to see if I could yet see the earth below me. I wanted to watch people scurrying about their day, cars lining the highways as commuters continued on their frantic pace. What I saw instead was terrifying. I saw pieces of the wing of the airplane coming loose! Fear gripped me in a way I had never known before and in my panic, I began to search the cabin for someone to help. Didn’t anyone else see the red lights flashing? No one seemed concerned. My family members were dozing or carrying on with their mundane conversations, and I alone knew we would soon plummet to a certain death! I could find no one to help me.

Fortunately, I knew that God the Father was always with me. I began to pray and ask God to help us. I asked that He repair the wings of this plane and bring us to safety. I earnestly prayed that He would cause the wing of the plane to be solid again and that the pieces of metal that looked as though they would fall off at any moment would move back into place and the red flashing lights would go dark. Please God! I have my whole life ahead of me! I have friends who love me! I have to start the third grade in two weeks!

Obviously, there was nothing wrong with the plane that day. The certain disaster I feared was nothing more than the pilot preparing to land the plane and causing the landing mechanisms on the wings to bring us down to the earth in safety. I thought I understood exactly what was happening, but somehow, in my eight years of existence on this planet, I had not yet learned the physics involved in flight. As I sat there in safety, yet believed I would soon die a horrible death, I begged God to make things different. I’m so glad He knew better!

I didn’t understand why God didn’t answer my prayer the way I asked Him to that day. Surely He saw the same thing I did! He could have caused the landing mechanisms to go back into their starting place if He had chosen to! Thank God He didn’t!

If God had done exactly as I had asked, a great tragedy would have followed. Chances are everyone on the plane would have died that day if God had forced the landing gear to malfunction as I unknowingly asked Him to. I didn’t understand that things were working for my good even though I couldn’t possibly see how.

As we struggle with infertility, we beg God to change our situation. We ask Him to allow us to conceive this month, not next month! We know this is the right time! We plead with Him to let this procedure work or to make this disease go away. What we don’t understand is that He has a plan. He knows what He’s doing, even when we’re like eight year olds who think they know how to land a plane better than the pilot does!

When you are disappointed with your fertility and with God and His apparent silence, remember an eight year old trying to land a plane. God’s ways were not my ways that day. God’s thoughts were not my thoughts. Did that mean He didn’t love me or didn’t care? Did it mean that He didn’t understand how afraid I was or how desperately I wanted Him to answer my prayer? Did it mean He didn’t have a plan? Not at all. It simply meant that He had a plan that I didn’t see or understand yet. I’m so glad He knew what I needed more than I thought I knew what I needed.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways", declares the LORD. Isaiah 55:8

"For I know the plans that I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and NOT to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Clear Pipes!

Good News!! There was no snow storm today!!! AND I have a 33% greater chance of getting pregnant this month...well actually for the next 3 months! Good news huh?!

I had my HSG done today. And am happy to report that my tubes are clear, there was no endometerious or scar tissue and my uterus looks great. I got to see a picture too. They didn't let me keep it. It was pretty painless. UNCOMFORTABLE YES!!! The Doctor asked me, "How are you doing Kara?" to which I responded, "Well I have had a lot more fun other places!" He laughed and kept shoving stuff up in there. At least that's what it felt like. The after effects were minimal as well. Some cramping and even a little burning where my tubes are but that was about it. I was able to go on with the rest of my day.

Anyways...I don't have to drink Drano to clear my pipes! And news like this is always fun to share.

Hope you all have wonderful rest of the week!

Wait...

Teaching children to wait isn't always easy but is a lesson that must be taught. If taught will gentleness and grace can impact them forever. I feel like I'm the one being TAUGHT to wait not the one doing the teaching...which right now seems soooooo much easier.

So much of the fight to stay sane in my quest for a child is learning to waiting. I have to wait for my next cycle to begin. I have wait for the blood results. Waiting to be the birth mom and not just being the birth friend. Almost everyone around me despises that dreaded two week wait. It seems like all I do sometimes is just sit around and wait. Why is it that even God tells me to wait on His promises? Waiting for something that I KNOW is going to happen is hard...then at times doubt creeps in...as much as I hate to admit it does.

Because to be honest Philippians 4:8 can be a moment by moment struggle for me some days. Especially when it comes to my fertility situation. I want so desperately to believe that God has promised us this child but there are days when I don't believe that I am worthy enough of such a blessing. But what God has shown me is that I alone am not worth but because of WHO I am in Christ, the King of Kings daughter, I am worth of whatever blessings He bestows on me. Not because of who I am but because WHO lives in me. I am blessed enough to have the best Dad in the whole world!

Websters defines WAIT as; to stay in place in expectation of. In KJV Isaiah 40:31 says"But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength..." What I found really cool was the NIV says "But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength."

I am so thankful for my Father to renew my strength and hope as I struggle.

Something that God has shown me the past few weeks is that when I grow weary from waiting He will continue to renew my strength, my hope, my perseverance. Thank you Lord! While knowing this in my head and in my head can be two separate things at times. So I must take every negative, damaging thought captive and place them under the obedience of my Father.

God’s promises are great and I need to continue to learn to truly to wait for Him. He promises me new strength...daily. He promises endurance to run the race set before me...daily. I am thankful for a Father who loves me.

Snow Delay

Tuesday night into most of the day Wednesday there was a HUGE snow/ice storm. I had to go on Tuesday to the drs office to take a blood pregnancy test just to make sure that I wasn't pregnant to have the HSG test done. I asked them when I left, "It's suppose to snow tomorrow are you SURE he's going to do it?" Yes they said. "He doesn't stop that because it snows." Sounds good to me.

Well the weather was HORRIBLE just like the weather man said so at 9 I called to see if he was still going to be there. They told me again "Yes! He doesn't stop because of the weather." So at 9:30 as I'm heading out the door for my 11:30 appointment. I made one last call to the Dr. JUST to make sure that he was going to be there and let them know that I am driving alllll the was from Bolivar (40 some odd miles) are you SURE he is going to do the test. YES they said. So I headed out in the traitorous weather. And didn't even break down emotionally the entire drive!

I got there checked in went to the bathroom and came out they said I'm sorry the Dr just called and he can't get over to this hospital today. It took me over 2 hours to drive there. NEVER have I driven in weather like this. 25MPH on the freakin interstate! THE ENTIRE WAY. And he can't get from across town???!!! I broke in to tears. I called drs office they tried to work something out but it wouldn't work. They informed me that he was at another facility and they were backed up because of the weather and he couldn't make it in time for my appointment. I drove home crying most of the way.

Came home burnt off some energy by shoveling the drive way and got over it. Started praying for summer to hurry up and get here. Figured there must be a reason God didn't want this done. I have prayed about having this test done. I prayed about going that morning. Not wanting to waste the money especially since I have already racked up a ton of bills. So many things in my mind. Maybe my snow delay was God's way of answering my prayers.

By the end of the day resting assure God has it under control. God is faithful. Life goes on. Maybe next month. Or who knows...maybe I'll be pregnant and won't have to have it at all! :)

Reassurance...

I have been struggling this week...okay a few weeks with a few things. Not going into too much detail right now. It's more life related than just baby related. I love it God fills me from the inside out with reassurance. Then this evening I have grow increasing more concerned about my HSG tomorrow and now I have to drive an hour to in the middle of the snow storm.

Isaiah 43:18-20 "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland."

And I continually am reminded of our New Years verse...Isaiah 54:2-3 Enlarge the place of your tent, stretch your tent curtains wide, do not hold back; lengthen your cords, strengthen your stakes. For you will spread out to the right and to the left; your descendants will dispossess nations and settle in their desolate cities.

Thank you Father for your daily reassurance through Your word and friends you have placed in my life!

Draino and Side Effects

I don't think I have ever been on the verge of tears as much as I have since starting the clomid. Not so sure I remember the side effects being like this last time. At my Dr.s appointment the beginning of January told the Dr. when I asked for the Clomid the first time and he told me no...I said, "I know the side effects of this and I'm ready! I can handle it. I've had it before I know the side effects and I'm ready!" I was pretty cocky and admit that I wanted it.

As I sit here on day 5 (thank you JESUS its the last day) I have literally wept, not cried WEPT, everyday since being on this. I read one of my dear friends posts about fulfilling a dream of hers I couldn't stop crying! I wanted to write a comment how proud I was of her overcoming a fear and living in the moment and fulfilling a dream...but I couldn't because I was crying and couldn't type it out write THEN I started crying because I couldn't type. WHAT THE FREAKIN HECK!!! Then again I have never had "clean plumbing" and taken Clomid...I'm thinking that Draino may have been cheaper way to clean "my pipes" and maybe less side effects! ...in a few days I'm going to find this really funny.

It says one of the SIDE EFFECTS to Clomid: Mood Swings...Is that what you freakin call this?? Wondering if pregnancy mood swings are anything like this.

The Kid, The Dog & The Dr. went into the bar...

Sounds like a good beginning to some lame joke doesn't it...sorry no bar in this post though...

It's hard to get moving this morning. As 8:00 quickly approaches I am enjoying sitting here in bed with my two beautiful puppies and little Ethan. I have been blessed with the opportunity to watch Ethan until Sunday. It always makes me laugh of how much it takes to take care of one little person. He is almost 18 months old and is having a grand time exploring everything. He did really good last night...He went right to sleep after his bath but then woke up at midnight panicked because he didn't know where he was. After a re-binki and some love he quickly calmed back down and went back to sleep until 7:30.

Sadie our chocolate lab doesn't know what to think of having Ethan in bed with us this moring. Right now they are nose to nose on their belly's smelling each other. Sadie REALLY wants his sippy cup or binki...just for a taste. Ethan's not giving them up...nor would I actually let Sadie have them. It's just funny to watch.

On other news fronts...I went to the doctor again the other day to sign paper for my hysterosalpingogram (HSG). Probably my least favorite test that I have ever failed. Well I got a 50% last time. I had one done about 5 years ago in North Carolina. That's when they found out that my left tube was blocked with scar tissue. They tried to unblock it with the dye but were unsuccessful...let me tell you that hurt. Needless to say I am NOT looking forward to having this test again BUT I am looking forward to seeing the dye flow through both tubes freely! Yes the Dr did open my tube in Dec during surgery but was not able to watch the flow through the tube. Apparently after he open the tube he could see that the fluid came out the other side but in this test it shows how it flows. Basically he wants to see how the egg flows. He also explained to me that for some unknown reason people have a high % of getting pregnant after having this done. So that test will be done next Wednesday so please keep me in your prayers.

Another wonderful thing that happened at the Drs. was that he gave me a RX for Clomid. This MAKES you ovulate. YEAH ME!!! Last month I took ovulation test and they barely came up positive but hopefully now they will defiantly be positive.

Well that's all the update that I have for now. Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!

Feels Like

Feels like...COLD

As I sit warm and toasty in my bed with my cup a coffee, two beautiful puppies, and my computer I know longer ever have to wonder what 0 degrees feels like! :) It's REALLY cold! As I watch Shawn get ready to go out in to the cold had no clue how many layers it actually takes to stay warm.

This Florida girl LOVES the snow, LOVES bundling up, LOVES snuggling in bed with hubby and puppies, BUT has officially decided she DOES NOT like driving on icy roads. I can handle the below freezing temperatures...I can handle the snow...but when you but them together it can be pretty dangerous. Right now it is so cold that they can't even salt the roads. If/when the snow melts it turn immediately into ice. It makes for a very slippery drive into work.

That is why I am fortunate enought to be sitting in bed with my second cup of coffee and two puppies wait for some symbolance of the sun to come out and warm us up to 6 degrees today. With temperatures like this there is GOOD news...this weekend when it finally makes it to 24 degrees...It will feel like a HEAT wave!

Wishing I was in Costa Rica with Keith, Becky, and Kian today !