One Question...

I have to admit I think I have had the same hair style for almost 30 years. Well not really but a long time. I have been trying something new lately with my hair. Actually it's been about a year since my friend/hairdresser started straightening it but only a few months since I actually tried it. I can't decide which way is better...what do you think?

Straight? OR Curly?

I do realize the pictures aren't the best. I never claimed to be a photographer that's for sure. I also do realize that in the large scheme of things this really means nothing but... Just was thinking this would be a neat thing to see what other people who don't see me everyday or ever for that matter. By the way the cute adorable baby in the picture above is Kian...and those eyes are even more incredible in person. I'll have to see if I can find a newer picture that you can see his eyes in.

Hope you all are having a wonderful week!

Freckles

One of my friends here in Ohio has two little boys, ages 3 and almost 2. I was sitting at her house the other day and she was telling me a story about the 3 year old. Who by the way is 100% boy, wants to jump, climb, swing, and hunt anything that moves, but has the most caring side I have ever seen in a boy of that age. Any time you walk in the door he is so excited to see you and can not wait to wrap his arms around you. He is so sweet! She asked him to show me what he had got from the store. He comes up and shows me his arm. There are two tiny brand new freckles on his forearm.

Me: Wow Brayden those are nice freckles! Where did you get those from?
Brayden: I gott’em at the store.
Me: That’s pretty cool! How did you get them at the store?
Brayden: I paid for’em with my monies.

I laughed and he walks off very proud of his new freckles.

I just can’t help but think how much I want & can't wait to watch freckles grow.

Hi...My name is Martha

Yes, apparently I have changed my name without even knowing it. I am no longer Kara or Mary. I am Martha... Realizing this fact over the past few days has been difficult for me. And I'm not even sure when that happened...

Life is busy. Everyone's life can get busy at times. I mean between attempting to rebuilding a children's ministry of a church, paying bills, cleaning the house, running errands, spending time with my husband, trying to conceive, planning trips to the dr. between work, keeping up with what "day" I'm on, scheduling another round of fertility treatments...wow the list could go on and on. It is so easy to get caught up in the busy-ness that I end up forgetting sometimes what is most important.

In the past when I would read or study the story about Martha & Mary (Luke 10:38-42) I KNEW I was a Mary. I just wanted to be close to Jesus no matter the cost. I wanted to sit at His feet. My ALL time P&W song is The more I seek you. I really do want to sit at His feet drink from the cup in His hand lean back aginst Him and feel His heart beat. (I am totally drawn in to songs where you can paint a word picture. I don't like just singing the words I want to feel and see the words.) That desire still lives inside but for one reason or another I have put it on the back burner and chosen to take of the roll of Martha. Too busy to sit and wait on God. That hurts me...and if it hurts me how much more does it hurt Him.

I have been praying and trying to figure out how I got to this point. What happened that caused this change in me? Is it because I work full time in the ministry now. Ironic yes I know. You'd think working at a church is the best most rewarding place to work. And it is at times. But just like every other job it has its ups and downs. Is it the quest for a baby that pushed me in to my Martha state? Is it desire to have everything neat and organized in my life? (it's so not there...I did say desire.)

God has shown me some good news...it doesn't matter when it happened or how it happened...He'll continue to show me when it's time. But as for now there is alway room at Jesus' feet for me...to praise Him, worship Him, cry with Him, lay my hopes and dreams down, sit with Him, and soak in Him. This weekend He showed that's where my hiding place is with Him. Because when I'm there it just me and Him and that's exactally what He wants...and so do I.

**mute side bar music when you play this song**

Friends!

Have I ever told you what WONDERFUL friends we have been blessed with???

God has blessed Shawn & I with wonderful friends...from everywhere! I remember when we first moved to Maryland away from my family and the first of my adult friends. For months I cried and cried saying PLEASE God give me friends. He did. When we moved to NC I was a little wiser...I started praying before we moved and began praying God please prepare friends for Shawn and I there that will last a lifetime and let us meet them quickly! He did yet again. We moved in shifts to Ohio but that didn't stop God from forming friendships and bonds that seem like we have known each other for ever.

I say all that because during each of our moves we have been trying to conceive and people sometimes don't know what to do with that. So many of our friends have had "quick" pregnancy. They decide they want to have a baby and with in a month or two they are pregnant. Even some that have struggled but now have babies. I have the feeling that sometimes people just don't know what to do or say so they just back off or don't mention it. I have read and re-read this devotion almost everyday since I received it letting it seep in. My guess is that I am not the only person that God is going to put in your path struggling with infertility so here are somethings that I hope will help!

What Can I Do To Help?

If you love someone who is carrying the heavy load of unplanned “un-pregnancy”, you may find it difficult to know how to offer support for their struggle. They definitely need your encouragement, but it is sometimes so difficult for friends and family to know how to offer the support. As we struggle with infertility, our relationships with friends and family are undeniably touched. Those who conceive easily may have difficulty truly understanding the struggle an infertile couple faces every single day. In our effort to offer support for those who struggle, we submit these suggestions for ways that friends and family can offer their own support to those they love. These are simple, practical ways to show your love and support. If Sarah’s Laughter can help you in any way, please feel free to contact us at any time.

What to Say...
I’m so sorry.I’m praying for you. (Only say this if you really will pray!) How would you like me to pray for you? (Join in agreement with them in prayer. Don’t assume you know what they’re praying for. They may be praying for something that seems totally off the wall to you. You don’t have to understand why certain things are important. It may be important for your friend to not be invited to her cousin’s shower, or to be called into work on what should have been her due date. When you validate their feelings by praying in agreement with them, it can be a beautifully healing thing.)I’m here if you need to talk. (Then don’t be afraid of what they may say. Don’t be offended if they don’t want to talk. Being available to them as a sounding board is priceless.)

What NOT to say...
Relax, honey. It will happen. (This minimizes the hurt the couple is feeling. Also, sometimes it doesn’t happen.)You’re so lucky not to be tied down with kids. You can go on vacation any time you want.At least...you were only a few weeks along, At least...you have one child. At least...you have time with just the two of you. (A good rule of thumb is--if you start a sentence with “at least” it’s probably the wrong thing to say!)So whose fault is it--yours or his? (Infertility is not an issue of fault. It is a medical condition that carries a heavy emotional and spiritual burden. This is an intensely personal battle. If they want--or need--to share personal, medical information with you, let them. It’s really quite an honor to be trusted with such vulnerable information. If they don’t want to share, please don’t ask.)You can always have another baby. (Unfortunately, many who experience infertility also experience loss. Even if they are blessed with a houseful of other children, they still grieve the baby they’ve lost. They love this baby. They want this baby.I know how you feel. (No, you don’t. Even if you suffered with infertility or miscarriage, you cannot know exactly how this person feels. You may have a good idea based on your own experience, but not the specifics of this situation.) Don’t cry. It’ll be okay. (Let them cry. Let them cry with you or on you. Just let them cry.)

Be Sensitive...
Infertility and loss are excruciating experiences which tend to be extremely private. If someone dares to trust in you and shares these experiences with you, take their hurt very seriously even if you cannot relate to their pain. Maintain their confidence. If someone else questions you about your friend’s childlessness, keep the information to yourself. Even when others ask out of concern, remember the intimacy of this situation. If and when your friend wants to share with others, she will--just as she shared with you. Realize that baby showers and Mother's day are painful but they still want to be a part. These are excruciating events for those who struggle.Realize that the grief an infertile couple carries begins anew approximately every 28 days.Don’t panic if the couple “emotionally vomits” on you. Don’t cringe if they start talking about sperm counts or post-coital tests. Your support can be life giving to someone who feels like they are going to collapse under the weight of an empty cradle.Don’t be afraid of anger. Hurting people tend to lash out. If they are angry at their spouse, their doctor, their baby, their body or even at God, let them vent.Give hurting couples an “out” on Mother’s Day/Father’s Day, on days when you have a baby dedication at church, for baby showers, etc. Let them know about the dedication in advance if you are comfortable doing so, so that they can decide if they want to attend that Sunday. These are hard events to attend. Don’t criticize if they do not attend. However, follow up with them if they miss more than just the difficult days or if they are pulling away too much.Let them know you care. However it works for you and those you care for, just let them know you care.

As Philippians 4:13-14 says, we can do all things through Christ who gives us strength, but it is so good of you to share with your infertile friends/family in their trouble. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you for caring for hurting people and making such a wonderful effort to ease the pain of unintentional childlessness.
(c) 2009 Sarah’s Laughter-Christian Support for Infertility & Child Loss

I want to thank all of my friends that continue to pray for our miracle. Thank you for standing in the gap, holding our hand high when we can't, for BLESSING us by allowing us the privilege to love you and your children. God has strategically places each and every one of you in our lives...and our lives have been changed because of you! WE LOVE YOU! Spring has Sprung...have a wonderful weekend!!!

Have I told you about my Dad?

Have I ever told you that I have the best Dad in the WHOLE world? Well of course HE created it! Right now I'm not speaking of my earthly dad who was a wonderful father to me but about my Heavenly Father who ALWAYS has my back! Listen to what He did for me!


In response to my tears that have been shed and held back the past few days...Praying for comfort of some sort that I know would only come from HIM...Cynthia the councilor here at the church walks past me today and says..."Good Morning! I'll be right back. Don't go anywhere". Needless to say I was very curious. She comes down and says "I had the COOLEST thing happen last night!" She proceeds to tell me about how she woke up in the middle of the night and started praying for so many people and things in this church. Everyone needs an intercessor like Cynthia in their life. She then sets down something’s from a baby shower that we helped at a few weeks ago. She said, "God told me to give you this. This represents His promise to you and the conception that is about to happen." She tells me often how she prays for our baby and how "HE" looks just like Shawn.

He restores hope & comfort in very strategic moments. He knows me inside and out. Feelings said and unsaid. Thank you Father! I feel so blessed!

Confession

I have a confession to make...I have started to like the two week wait. You know the one in between ovulation and test day. For me those weeks are full of anticipation, hopefulness, excitement, planning for the possibility, and thankfulness that my body function correctly and actually did ovulate. Only to end that two week wait with a test that you are so desperate to pass. You’ve done your research…you’ve “studied” everyday what feels like day and night and you just don’t want to “study” or even talk about “studing” any more…you’ve prayed and cried out to God to PLEASE PLEASE to pass it just once of these test. To watch others test without a barely “studying” at all. You have done EVERYTHING that you have been instructed to do and yet you still fail the test.

The only thing that I find consistent about my cycle is that for 130 months I have gone without a positive test. WOW! Talk about failing! Now grant it we weren't actively trying all of those months but we were doing nothing to prevent it either. For me infertility is full of frustration and misunderstanding mixed with hopefulness and excitement that is hard to even put into words.

This month for many reasons has been more difficult for me than many of the previous months. It’s spring (or at least it will be shortly). It seems as though baby bellies are popping out everywhere. I have blessed enough to hold so many others sweet newborns. Pray over them, comfort them, and when they start screaming uncontrollably…hand them backJ. But this month I wanted it to be my month…OUR month…I so desperately wanted to tell Shawn’s father on his 60th birthday that he was finally going to be a “Grampie”. I wanted so desperately to tell all of my friends that have been praying and interceding for us THANK YOU!! We’re pregnant! I wanted so desperately to finally give Shawn this funny kid’s book I got him to welcome in to “Daddyhood”.

But instead this month I call the Dr. cancel my pregnancy test and order more clomid. Instead this month I continue to thank God that He is a fulfiller of promises. I thank Him for my body working correctly and actually ovulating. I thank Him for the relationship that He continues to build between Shawn & me. I thank Him for the wonderful husband that He has given me. The husband who use to never ask a thing and holds me when he knows I’ve started but I don’t want to talk about it. I thank Him for His love and grace when there are days when I don’t want to deal with “stupid people”.

But this month I will also continue to remember where I find my strength…
“…Stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is NOT in vain.” 1 Corinthians 15:58.

“Enlarge the place of your tent, stretch your tent curtains wide, do not hold back; lengthen your cords, strengthen your stakes. For you will spread out to the right and to the left; your descendants will dispossess nations and settle in their cities.” Isaiah 54:2-4

This month I will continue to stand firm knowing that MY God is the God that performs MIRACLES and displays his power among the people. Psalms 77:14.

This month is like many others…I wait with anticipation for God to fulfill His promise of what was spoke over our lives… “The Lord WILL grant you (US) abundantly prosperity in the fruit of your womb (that would by MY womb), the young of your livestock, and the crops of your ground, in the land that he swore to your forefathers to give you.” Numbers 23:19 .

Sarah's Laughter

I'm not talking about my friend Sarah's laughter, which it in itself is pretty infectious. If you know her you have love the laughter of THE Sarah W! Today I'm talking about this site I have recently found sarah's-laughter. I started receiving these Daily Devotionals from here and I love them! This one below was the one from today. I found it so impacting because it is not only valid not only for infertility but for life no matter what you have been praying for.

I’ll never forget that flight. As long as I live, I’ll always remember the fear that gripped me that day as I faced my mortality and prepared for my death.

I remember glancing out the window of the airplane to see if I could yet see the earth below me. I wanted to watch people scurrying about their day, cars lining the highways as commuters continued on their frantic pace. What I saw instead was terrifying. I saw pieces of the wing of the airplane coming loose! Fear gripped me in a way I had never known before and in my panic, I began to search the cabin for someone to help. Didn’t anyone else see the red lights flashing? No one seemed concerned. My family members were dozing or carrying on with their mundane conversations, and I alone knew we would soon plummet to a certain death! I could find no one to help me.

Fortunately, I knew that God the Father was always with me. I began to pray and ask God to help us. I asked that He repair the wings of this plane and bring us to safety. I earnestly prayed that He would cause the wing of the plane to be solid again and that the pieces of metal that looked as though they would fall off at any moment would move back into place and the red flashing lights would go dark. Please God! I have my whole life ahead of me! I have friends who love me! I have to start the third grade in two weeks!

Obviously, there was nothing wrong with the plane that day. The certain disaster I feared was nothing more than the pilot preparing to land the plane and causing the landing mechanisms on the wings to bring us down to the earth in safety. I thought I understood exactly what was happening, but somehow, in my eight years of existence on this planet, I had not yet learned the physics involved in flight. As I sat there in safety, yet believed I would soon die a horrible death, I begged God to make things different. I’m so glad He knew better!

I didn’t understand why God didn’t answer my prayer the way I asked Him to that day. Surely He saw the same thing I did! He could have caused the landing mechanisms to go back into their starting place if He had chosen to! Thank God He didn’t!

If God had done exactly as I had asked, a great tragedy would have followed. Chances are everyone on the plane would have died that day if God had forced the landing gear to malfunction as I unknowingly asked Him to. I didn’t understand that things were working for my good even though I couldn’t possibly see how.

As we struggle with infertility, we beg God to change our situation. We ask Him to allow us to conceive this month, not next month! We know this is the right time! We plead with Him to let this procedure work or to make this disease go away. What we don’t understand is that He has a plan. He knows what He’s doing, even when we’re like eight year olds who think they know how to land a plane better than the pilot does!

When you are disappointed with your fertility and with God and His apparent silence, remember an eight year old trying to land a plane. God’s ways were not my ways that day. God’s thoughts were not my thoughts. Did that mean He didn’t love me or didn’t care? Did it mean that He didn’t understand how afraid I was or how desperately I wanted Him to answer my prayer? Did it mean He didn’t have a plan? Not at all. It simply meant that He had a plan that I didn’t see or understand yet. I’m so glad He knew what I needed more than I thought I knew what I needed.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways", declares the LORD. Isaiah 55:8

"For I know the plans that I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and NOT to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Clear Pipes!

Good News!! There was no snow storm today!!! AND I have a 33% greater chance of getting pregnant this month...well actually for the next 3 months! Good news huh?!

I had my HSG done today. And am happy to report that my tubes are clear, there was no endometerious or scar tissue and my uterus looks great. I got to see a picture too. They didn't let me keep it. It was pretty painless. UNCOMFORTABLE YES!!! The Doctor asked me, "How are you doing Kara?" to which I responded, "Well I have had a lot more fun other places!" He laughed and kept shoving stuff up in there. At least that's what it felt like. The after effects were minimal as well. Some cramping and even a little burning where my tubes are but that was about it. I was able to go on with the rest of my day.

Anyways...I don't have to drink Drano to clear my pipes! And news like this is always fun to share.

Hope you all have wonderful rest of the week!

Wait...

Teaching children to wait isn't always easy but is a lesson that must be taught. If taught will gentleness and grace can impact them forever. I feel like I'm the one being TAUGHT to wait not the one doing the teaching...which right now seems soooooo much easier.

So much of the fight to stay sane in my quest for a child is learning to waiting. I have to wait for my next cycle to begin. I have wait for the blood results. Waiting to be the birth mom and not just being the birth friend. Almost everyone around me despises that dreaded two week wait. It seems like all I do sometimes is just sit around and wait. Why is it that even God tells me to wait on His promises? Waiting for something that I KNOW is going to happen is hard...then at times doubt creeps in...as much as I hate to admit it does.

Because to be honest Philippians 4:8 can be a moment by moment struggle for me some days. Especially when it comes to my fertility situation. I want so desperately to believe that God has promised us this child but there are days when I don't believe that I am worthy enough of such a blessing. But what God has shown me is that I alone am not worth but because of WHO I am in Christ, the King of Kings daughter, I am worth of whatever blessings He bestows on me. Not because of who I am but because WHO lives in me. I am blessed enough to have the best Dad in the whole world!

Websters defines WAIT as; to stay in place in expectation of. In KJV Isaiah 40:31 says"But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength..." What I found really cool was the NIV says "But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength."

I am so thankful for my Father to renew my strength and hope as I struggle.

Something that God has shown me the past few weeks is that when I grow weary from waiting He will continue to renew my strength, my hope, my perseverance. Thank you Lord! While knowing this in my head and in my head can be two separate things at times. So I must take every negative, damaging thought captive and place them under the obedience of my Father.

God’s promises are great and I need to continue to learn to truly to wait for Him. He promises me new strength...daily. He promises endurance to run the race set before me...daily. I am thankful for a Father who loves me.

Snow Delay

Tuesday night into most of the day Wednesday there was a HUGE snow/ice storm. I had to go on Tuesday to the drs office to take a blood pregnancy test just to make sure that I wasn't pregnant to have the HSG test done. I asked them when I left, "It's suppose to snow tomorrow are you SURE he's going to do it?" Yes they said. "He doesn't stop that because it snows." Sounds good to me.

Well the weather was HORRIBLE just like the weather man said so at 9 I called to see if he was still going to be there. They told me again "Yes! He doesn't stop because of the weather." So at 9:30 as I'm heading out the door for my 11:30 appointment. I made one last call to the Dr. JUST to make sure that he was going to be there and let them know that I am driving alllll the was from Bolivar (40 some odd miles) are you SURE he is going to do the test. YES they said. So I headed out in the traitorous weather. And didn't even break down emotionally the entire drive!

I got there checked in went to the bathroom and came out they said I'm sorry the Dr just called and he can't get over to this hospital today. It took me over 2 hours to drive there. NEVER have I driven in weather like this. 25MPH on the freakin interstate! THE ENTIRE WAY. And he can't get from across town???!!! I broke in to tears. I called drs office they tried to work something out but it wouldn't work. They informed me that he was at another facility and they were backed up because of the weather and he couldn't make it in time for my appointment. I drove home crying most of the way.

Came home burnt off some energy by shoveling the drive way and got over it. Started praying for summer to hurry up and get here. Figured there must be a reason God didn't want this done. I have prayed about having this test done. I prayed about going that morning. Not wanting to waste the money especially since I have already racked up a ton of bills. So many things in my mind. Maybe my snow delay was God's way of answering my prayers.

By the end of the day resting assure God has it under control. God is faithful. Life goes on. Maybe next month. Or who knows...maybe I'll be pregnant and won't have to have it at all! :)

Reassurance...

I have been struggling this week...okay a few weeks with a few things. Not going into too much detail right now. It's more life related than just baby related. I love it God fills me from the inside out with reassurance. Then this evening I have grow increasing more concerned about my HSG tomorrow and now I have to drive an hour to in the middle of the snow storm.

Isaiah 43:18-20 "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland."

And I continually am reminded of our New Years verse...Isaiah 54:2-3 Enlarge the place of your tent, stretch your tent curtains wide, do not hold back; lengthen your cords, strengthen your stakes. For you will spread out to the right and to the left; your descendants will dispossess nations and settle in their desolate cities.

Thank you Father for your daily reassurance through Your word and friends you have placed in my life!

Draino and Side Effects

I don't think I have ever been on the verge of tears as much as I have since starting the clomid. Not so sure I remember the side effects being like this last time. At my Dr.s appointment the beginning of January told the Dr. when I asked for the Clomid the first time and he told me no...I said, "I know the side effects of this and I'm ready! I can handle it. I've had it before I know the side effects and I'm ready!" I was pretty cocky and admit that I wanted it.

As I sit here on day 5 (thank you JESUS its the last day) I have literally wept, not cried WEPT, everyday since being on this. I read one of my dear friends posts about fulfilling a dream of hers I couldn't stop crying! I wanted to write a comment how proud I was of her overcoming a fear and living in the moment and fulfilling a dream...but I couldn't because I was crying and couldn't type it out write THEN I started crying because I couldn't type. WHAT THE FREAKIN HECK!!! Then again I have never had "clean plumbing" and taken Clomid...I'm thinking that Draino may have been cheaper way to clean "my pipes" and maybe less side effects! ...in a few days I'm going to find this really funny.

It says one of the SIDE EFFECTS to Clomid: Mood Swings...Is that what you freakin call this?? Wondering if pregnancy mood swings are anything like this.

The Kid, The Dog & The Dr. went into the bar...

Sounds like a good beginning to some lame joke doesn't it...sorry no bar in this post though...

It's hard to get moving this morning. As 8:00 quickly approaches I am enjoying sitting here in bed with my two beautiful puppies and little Ethan. I have been blessed with the opportunity to watch Ethan until Sunday. It always makes me laugh of how much it takes to take care of one little person. He is almost 18 months old and is having a grand time exploring everything. He did really good last night...He went right to sleep after his bath but then woke up at midnight panicked because he didn't know where he was. After a re-binki and some love he quickly calmed back down and went back to sleep until 7:30.

Sadie our chocolate lab doesn't know what to think of having Ethan in bed with us this moring. Right now they are nose to nose on their belly's smelling each other. Sadie REALLY wants his sippy cup or binki...just for a taste. Ethan's not giving them up...nor would I actually let Sadie have them. It's just funny to watch.

On other news fronts...I went to the doctor again the other day to sign paper for my hysterosalpingogram (HSG). Probably my least favorite test that I have ever failed. Well I got a 50% last time. I had one done about 5 years ago in North Carolina. That's when they found out that my left tube was blocked with scar tissue. They tried to unblock it with the dye but were unsuccessful...let me tell you that hurt. Needless to say I am NOT looking forward to having this test again BUT I am looking forward to seeing the dye flow through both tubes freely! Yes the Dr did open my tube in Dec during surgery but was not able to watch the flow through the tube. Apparently after he open the tube he could see that the fluid came out the other side but in this test it shows how it flows. Basically he wants to see how the egg flows. He also explained to me that for some unknown reason people have a high % of getting pregnant after having this done. So that test will be done next Wednesday so please keep me in your prayers.

Another wonderful thing that happened at the Drs. was that he gave me a RX for Clomid. This MAKES you ovulate. YEAH ME!!! Last month I took ovulation test and they barely came up positive but hopefully now they will defiantly be positive.

Well that's all the update that I have for now. Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!

Feels Like

Feels like...COLD

As I sit warm and toasty in my bed with my cup a coffee, two beautiful puppies, and my computer I know longer ever have to wonder what 0 degrees feels like! :) It's REALLY cold! As I watch Shawn get ready to go out in to the cold had no clue how many layers it actually takes to stay warm.

This Florida girl LOVES the snow, LOVES bundling up, LOVES snuggling in bed with hubby and puppies, BUT has officially decided she DOES NOT like driving on icy roads. I can handle the below freezing temperatures...I can handle the snow...but when you but them together it can be pretty dangerous. Right now it is so cold that they can't even salt the roads. If/when the snow melts it turn immediately into ice. It makes for a very slippery drive into work.

That is why I am fortunate enought to be sitting in bed with my second cup of coffee and two puppies wait for some symbolance of the sun to come out and warm us up to 6 degrees today. With temperatures like this there is GOOD news...this weekend when it finally makes it to 24 degrees...It will feel like a HEAT wave!

Wishing I was in Costa Rica with Keith, Becky, and Kian today !

Appointment Update

I haven't posted since my appointment because I have been trying to process it. I can't really say that I am "done" processing it because I feel like I have no answers.

I have a feeling this may be a love hate relationship with my Dr. He's good but so he's busy... At least at this appointment. So that means he has no time to hear my stories of how I felt nor does he probably even really care. After I sat in the little room for 45 mins he walks in glances at my belly button and says how are you feeling and I say fine. He says you look great lets go to my office.

We go into his office and he closes the door and proceeds to show me my pictures. First was the endometriosis...which he said wasn't too bad but the scare tissue all over was "severe". What is the scare tissue from? He says its from the endometriosis. SO then he goes on to the next picture which is my uterine wall. He said that it is shedding and trying to regrow all at the same time because my hormones are out of whack. I asked him, "What can I take to help that? Metphormine?" No, that just for blood sugar he said... That usually happens when people have really heavy periods...Well I don't have heavy painful periods...They may last 3-5 days and its not too heavy and mine aren't painful...He says then I don't know why its doing that then...He closes my chart and seemed like everything was over and I ask well what about my left tube? He said I'm not really sure if its open...I said What? you said that you opened my tube during that procedure. He said well we really don't know until we do an HSG...So we'll schedule one of those and then go from there. I said...what about clomid or something...He said i'm not giving you anything until I see if your tube is open. He walked me out to the secretaries desk and told her to set me up and appointment for an HSG.

Needless to say I left there feel pissed at myself because I didn't stand up and say...I KNOW that you are busy and I KNOW that there are a lot of people waiting but having a baby is important to me and I don't like feeling like you pushing me out the door. There are so many more questions that I wanted to ask but didn't have time to even think of them much less ask them...

I went home that night and told Shawn what happened at the appointment. He asked, "Isn't that the one where they shoot the dye through your tubes?" Why yes my smart husband that's been paying attention, "that it is what it is." He said that said. "Why would he want to do that when you he said he put dye through the tubes day I had the surgery. He came out and told me that they shot dye through both sides and they were open."

Why would the Dr come and tell Shawn that and then ask me to have an HSG done. So I called the Dr on Friday and told the nurse what happened and she said I'll call you back. So she called me back and told me yes you still need to have a HSG done because the one you had done was a LONG time ago. I said no my husband said that the dr came out and told him that he put dye through my tubes while I was in surgery. Why would I need to have an HSG done if he JUST basically done? She said "oh I didn't understand that the first time. Honestly I don't have your file over here at this location but I will call you back when I have it." When the Dr called the night of the surgery asked him about my left tube? He said "Its open your good! Everything went GREAT" I know I was on drugs but I wasn't out of it.

So basically I'm confused...I know that God has it under control but He has also wants us to make wise choices, but all of this trying to have a baby that you feel like God has promised you can be a little confusing and frustrating sometimes. But after all is said and done I still stand firm on...

Numbers 23:19 “The Lord will grant you abundant prosperity in the fruit of your womb, the young of your livestock and the crops of your ground-in the land he swore to your forefathers to give you.

Deuteronomy 28:11 God is NOT a God that he should lie, nor a son of man, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not fulfill?"

Trust?

But blessed is the (wo)man who trusts in the LORD,

whose confidence is in him. Jeremiah 17:7

So I did something not so smart the other night about 10:30 . In my search to be filled with a wealth of knowledge about infertility and I came across someone's blog that had a surgery that was extremely similar to what I had done. The only thing is that hers didn't turn out so well. She had it done 6 months ago and they still aren't pregnant and with 3 or 4 failed IUIs the Dr. doesn't give them much hope outside IVF. We all know how much that costs...and the fact insurance doesn't pay for it 98% of the time. Needless to say its been hard for me to focus since. Why do I do that to myself? I'm not sure...But it really made me start thinking...why is it easier to trust for other people's miracles but not my own. I know that God has promised us a son and I try desperately to hold on to that promise.

Tomorrow is my follow up appointment for the surgery. I wonder what he's going to say. Praying that if I'm not pregnant (which if I was I doubt I would be up blogging at 11:45 at night) he will give me some meds that will help me ovulate on both sides and we will be able to get pregnant quickly. I still haven't found a blog about someone who is in their mid 30's who had a few repoductive problems and then was able to get pregnant naturally and given birth to a happy healthy baby. I'm sure there is one out there somewhere...who knows maybe I'm sitting here reading the first. :)

Good Night...Pray for a great report tomorrow!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

So did everyone enjoy their extra second that we had last night just before the clock struck midnight? Did anyone new years resolutions? I hope everyone enjoyed bringing in 2009. A year that I believe will bring fulfillment so many of God's promises.

Our New Year's Eve was very fun. (I'll post again with pictures of all who celebrated with us) We started the evening off with going to church. I was working with the kids but Shawn was able to be a part of it. Our pastor handed out stakes (yard stakes) to every adult there. Pastor's message was on Isaiah 54:2-4 Enlarge the place of your tents stretch your tent curtains wide, do not hold back; lengthen your cords,strengthen your stakes. For you will spread out to the right and to the left; your descendants will dispossess nations and settle in their desolate cities. Do not be afraid; you will not suffer shame. Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated. You will forget the shame of your youth and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood.

I have a confession to make...every since this surgery where everyone KNOWS that I'm suppose to get pregnant after it I have been REALLY anxious about not getting knocked up. You know all the what if's come in to my mind...What if I'm not ever suppose to be a mom, What if I get pregnant and loose the baby, What if I never get pregnant, What if I let everyone who has been praying over me down because I can't get pregnant, What if I have to go though another year of no baby...You get the point...WHAT IF.

I have been truly trying to do a good job of "taking ever thought captive" and "being anxious in nothing". When i feel the anxiety creep up I start looking up Bible verses (because I SUCK at memorizing), praying, finding some source of seeing Gods hand move or feeling God. I had a dream the other night that has nothing to do with this EXCEPT for the fact that our pastor wife from COTR was pregnant in it!...but anyways...I was anxious ALLLLLL the way through my dream. I sat down this morning to pray and do may devotions and said, "God I don't WANT this feeling I give it to you Please forgive me for feeling this way and send something to reassure me that what you promised me will is true and will come into existence and that will bring me peace."

All that to say...Have I told you about Cynthia? She is the "counselor" here at our church. She has 4 natural children 2 adoptive NO PROBLEM getting or staying pregnant. Well She called me to come down to her office and she said that God woke her up the same night I had my dream to pray over the church and stuff like He does often but as soon as she was drifting back off to sleep she felt God wake her back up and tell her to pray for me and to come today and give me this word...

2 Kings 4:14-17 "What can be done for her?" Elisha asked. Gehazi said, "Well, she has no son and her husband is old." Then Elisha said, "Call her." So he called her, and she stood in the doorway. "About this time next year," Elisha said, "you will hold a son in your arms." "No, my lord," she objected. "Don't mislead your servant, O man of God!" (this is how I felt when she was telling me) But the woman became pregnant, and the next year about that same time she gave birth to a son, just as Elisha had told her."

What is my resolution? To not hold back...to have "crazy faith". Non wavering faith for ME and my household. It seems to be easier to have that type of faith for others but at times more difficult to have that same faith for myself. I'm staking my claim on the promises that God has given us!

I pray that you and your family will be richly blessed this year as you endeavor to serve HIM!

Right Around the Corner...

Wow is it really right around the corner? 2009? ALREADY? Hard to believe.

Christmas 2008 was so different than any other Christmas but it was just what we needed. We spend Christmas eve night with some friends and their family. As I helped her prepare food for Christmas morning at their house A Christmas Story was on in the background. I couldn't help but think this isn't where I thought I'd be at 33, but at the same time how grateful I am for this journey that God has taken us on. Christmas Day we woke up early opened our stockings that my fabtab sister sent for us (we were suppose to be in Florida this year but for many reasons unable to go). Then headed out to our friends Mike and Natalie's for breakfast! They have 5 kids so it as a lot of fun watching them open presents! Breakfast was delicious and then after the presents there was a fashion show of all the new clothes (just the 3 girls...the boys were too busy putting their Lego's together and shooting the Nerf gun at everyone).

I am very sentimental...I still have confetti from the night I met Shawn, still have THE Thumper that my sister gave to me the day she introduced me to my brother in law. I have a hat that my friend Sarah made during one of her many attempts to teach me how to sew. I have really random things...but one of my favorite things is memories. I WISH i had the skill and/or attention span to make scrapbooks. There are so many memories both happy and sad of just this year that I never want to lose.


January started off with a bang...We went to Florida just after my sisters brain aneurysm surgery. Then to see our friend Barry get married and hang out at Disney with our friends Mike and Natalie. February wow what a month. We grew as a "family"! This is then month when the girls (all girls at the time bc Eli wasn't born yet.) came to live with us for what was suppose to be 3 weeks. March Another WOW month...Our close friend died suddenly unexpectedly and one of my best friends lost her husband...What God continues to do in Sarah's life amazes me! Sarah, I love you! Your faith-Your perseverance-Your honesty-Your "Youness" can never be matched! Not sure what else really happened in that month. April we opened the pool and entire month earlier than normal do to much begging from Taylor the 14 year old. One week after we opened it she began swimming in it and swam almost every day until they moved! May went to Florida to meet my handsome nephew for the first time. Wishing that was the only reason I went...my mom went into the hospital to have her galbladder taken out and stay for a month. My grandfather (my mom's dad) passed away. June camp, camp, and more camp! It was fun! July completely revised VBS, Eli's baby shower, 2 other mommy's baby showers, and my 33rd Birthday. WOW!! August ELI MADDOX graced us with his presence on the 5th! He was soooo tiny. The home going of Shawn's grandmother. September the girls and Eli went back to their home. Vacation to Rocky Mount and Hilton Head. October Fall Family Fun Fest, The Brenner's move to AZ, As much as we've moved...I never realized how impacting moving is for those who stay... WE MISS YOU GUYS! My first GYN appointment with an Ohio Dr. November Shawn's family came for Thanksgiving. And here we are in December so many changes, so many growth opportunities this year.

These are just of the life changing moments of 2008. I am excited to see where God leads us in 2009! Praying that EVEYONE stays healthy and happy!

I've Been Promoted

To the bed that is. Since Wednesday afternoon I have been on the couch in the basement trying to lay still and not lift or do anything that could possibly make scar tissue. Wednesday and Thursday are nothing but a blur to me. Friday, I honestly expected to feel really good SURPRISE I still felt like crap. Saturday finally off pain pills enough to drive and I went to work with plans to go Christmas shopping! I worked from 10-2 and I was pretty much done. Wasn't sure if I could deal with crazy Christmas people so I went home and went to sleep. I have NEVER slept so much as I have the past few days. Some people might enjoy that but I feel so unproductive and it makes me anxious. There is so much to that needs to still be done and I can't go at my normal pace it kind of makes nervous that I won't be able to get everything done. Anyways back to the procedure...

Here's how it went. Wednesday I woke up at 4:30am (went to sleep sometime after 1am) reminding myself "DON'T FORGET to pee in the cup!". I haven't had anything to eat or drink since about 10pm so I knew I needed to make this one count. I get in there open up the box and follow the 8 YES 8 instructions on HOW TO PEE IN THE CUP. By that time I am doing the pee pee dance around the bathroom making sure that I followed each and every last instruction because I won't be able to muster this up again. After that I crawled back into bed and waited and prayed until my alarm went off. We didn't have to be to the hospital until 8:30am but it was suppose to be icy so we left 2 hours ahead of time for a 45min drive. LOL! You gotta love my husband.

Got to the hospital and waited...isn't that always the way...hurry up and wait. They called me back and explained the procedure about 10 times by about 10 different people. At this point I am realizing that this procedure is going to be a little bigger than I thought. Everyone there was SO nice and helpful. Surprisingly, I wasn't very anxious at this point. They let Shawn come back and wait with me. In his nervousness made really inappropriate comments about all kinds of things. Like the funny looking guy in the waiting room with a comb over that went down the back of his neck. Then the Dr came back with the great news...the surgery had been bumped up one hour! YEAH ME!

I get wheeled back to the OR room and my first response was I wish I could stay awake to see how all this cool equipment works! They laughed and said that I was going to a much nice place. The anesthesiologist told me that she was putting something in my IV and then next was the "happy juice". The DR came over and held my hand and said something to the effect of he was going to fix me right up. Next thing I remember was waking up asking "can I go home yet?" All I could think about was getting home then I knew I could rest.

Shawn said that the DR came out and talked to him and told him the procedure went great. He was able to open up my left tube, removed all the endometriosis and scar tissue and made my uterus sticky! :) What every girl wants for Christmas! I have to admit when Shawn told me that he was able to open up my left tube I almost started crying. To me that was such an answer to prayers! And like every good husband asked, "Dr. How long before, you know, um, we can, um, try?" Don't know if that's EXACTLY how it was asked but I could just imagine. The Dr said 7-10 days.

As I was waking up all I could remember was what one of the nurses pre-surgery told me...If you don't ask for pain meds you won't get it...and you are going to need them. By that time Shawn was back there. He said that they gave me three different doses of pain meds before I actually fully woke up. I asked for ice chips and was able to keep that down and then they wanted me to eat. They brought me a Diet Coke and two different types of crackers. I ate one cracker and drink the entire Diet Coke, but apparently kept asking when I could go home. They gave me two prescriptions for some of the good drugs and sent me home.

I spent the next few days not being able to complete a thought without working really hard at it, Sleeping, watching movies, making plans for different things, talking on the phone or on the computer...but most importantly...praising God for allowing me to find this Dr. giving him the wisdom to find these issues and letting it and knowing how to take care of it and PRAISING GOD for this beautiful child(ren), world changer, that He has promised to us!

Well, its time to get back to the real world. Wake up, get ready for work, go to work, come home, cook dinner, clean the house, and go to bed to do it all over again. Still not feeling 100% so I am NOT going to lift anything or do anything too difficult. Thank you for your continued prayers.

Can you believe that Christmas is only a few days away??? Who knows I might actually be prego by the end of the year. I have been praying for this child of mine in 2009!

In the Begining...

There was two...praying that there will be more!

Tomorrow is the day. I go in to the hospital at 8am and then the surgery is at 10am and hopefully home by 3pm. The surgery will consist of a D&C, removal of endometriosis & fibroid tumor, and praying for the opening of my left fallopian tube. God says to be specific when you pray...Please agree with us in prayer that the surgery will go well tomorrow and to guide the surgeons hands. The removal of the endometriosis & tumor will be removed easily with no scare tissue and that the tube can be opened easily. Ultimately a pregnancy this month! A healthy uncomplicated pregnancy and a healthy baby!

At the last encounter that Shawn went to before leaving Rocky Mount one of the guys prayed this Bible verse over us and it is something that we have been clinging to daily. The LORD will grant you abundant prosperity—in the fruit of your womb, the young of your livestock and the crops of your ground—in the land he swore to your forefathers to give you. Deuteronomy 28:11

Thanking you in advance for your continued prayers and love!!! I feel so blessed to have friends such as you!

Letting go & Moving on

I think I do a pretty good job of fulfilling Romans 12:15 most of the time. No ones perfect...please hear me...I'm not saying that I am...but my husband and I have been married for 11 1/2 years and off of birth control for 10 and we have had no baby as of yet. Still I have given baby showers, attended baby showers, took food over to new moms, held crying moms that their babies went to be with Jesus earlier than they ever thought. I have rejoiced with those who rejoice and mourned with those who mourn. I don't say all this to get a pat on the back or a way to go you rock. I say this because something was said...that mind you has been said before by a certain family that REALLY hurt deep last night.

The young mom who stayed at our house this year sang at a Christian coffee house last night and a whole group of us went to go hear her sing. Her mom & sister were there and also a friend that I have never met before. I've just heard a lot about this friend. As we are all sitting around the table waiting for her to sing I said to her, "When are you going to go out so I can watch the kids?" she said "I don't know". Her friend said, "You can't watch the kids. You'll keep them." The table got silent for a brief second. Then my friend Heather said, "Going out? Your going with us!" Its always good to have friends like Heather! She wanted to leg sweep the girl but I told her no. :) I have to say...I LOVE HEATHER!

It amazed me how just a few small words could crush my heart. This girl doesn't know me. Why would she say that to me? She doesn't know anything that I have gone through. She had to have heard that from somewhere. This family that I put my life on hold for 9 month to help thinks the only reason I'm have a relationship with them is to take the kids? The younger sister has said that before to me but she's 15. She just needed to be reassured of where our relationship stood.

God has chosen a mom for those two beautiful children...its not me...I'm ok with that! There is no one better suited to be their mom than HER! God doesn't make mistakes. Its NO secret that I love kids. And I love the parents that ALLOW me to love their kids. I know it is a privilege. But it still hurts to know that I may not be able to love, encourage, & minister to those children because someone in the family fears that I might take them away. That has never been a thought...

It amazes me how satan tries to use one comment to break a relationship, to damage a relationship. The balls in my court now. I have the chance to forgive, pray for them, ask God to remove any roots in my heart so they don't take hold, and to pray for the young friend that said it. I am moving on from this and stand firm on the promises that God has in store for me!

THE CHRISTMAS PAGEANT

Someone sent me this email the other day. I thought it was worth reposting...is that anything like regifting?...anyways...

THE CHRISTMAS PAGEANT
My husband and I had been happily married (most of the time) for five years but hadn't been blessed with a baby. I decided to do some serious praying and promised God that if he would give us a child,I would be a perfect mother,love it with all my heart and raise it with His word as my guide.

God answered my prayer sand blessed us with a son. The next year God blessed us with another son. The following year,He blessed us with yet another son. The year after that we were blessed with a daughter. My husband thought we'd been blessed right into poverty.We now had four children,and the oldest was only four years old. I learned never to ask God for anything unless I meant it.As a minister once told me,"If you pray for rain,make sure you carry an umbrella."

I began reading a few verses of the Bible to the children each day as they lay in their cribs. I was off to a good start.God had entrusted me with four children and I didn't want to disappoint Him. I tried to be patient the day the children smashed two dozen eggs on the kitchen floor searching for baby chicks. I tried to be understanding...when they started a hotel for homeless frogs in the spare bedroom, although it took me nearly two hours to catch all twenty-three frogs. When my daughter poured ketchup all over herself and rolled up in a blanket to see how it felt to be a hot dog,I tried to see the humor rather than the mess. In spite of changing over twenty-five thousand diapers,never eating a hot meal and never sleeping for more than thirty minutes at a time,I still thank God daily for my children.

While I couldn't keep my promise to be a perfect mother -I didn't even come close...I did keep my promise to raise them in the Word of God. I knew I was missing the mark just a little when I told my daughter we were going to church to worship God,and she wanted to bring a bar of soap along to"wash up" Jesus, too. Something was lost in the translation when I explained that God gave us everlasting life, and my son thought it was generous of God to give us his "last wife."

My proudest moment came during the children's Christmas pageant. My daughter was playing Mary,two of my sons were shepherds and my youngest son was a wise man.This was their moment to shine. My five-year-old shepherd had practiced his line,"We found the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes." But he was nervous and said, "The baby was wrapped in wrinkled clothes." My four-year-old "Mary" said,"That's not 'wrinkled clothes,' silly. That's dirty, rotten clothes." A wrestling match broke out between Mary and the shepherd and was stopped by an angel,who bent her halo and lost her left wing.

As I slouched a little lower in my seat when Mary dropped the doll representing Baby Jesus, and it bounced down the aisle crying, "Mama-mama." Mary grabbed the doll,wrapped it back up and held it tightly as the wise men arrived. My other son stepped forward wearing a bathrobe and a paper crown,knelt at the manger and announced,"We are the three wise men,and we are bringing gifts of gold, common sense and fur."

The congregation dissolved into laughter,and the pageant got a standing ovation. "I've never enjoyed a Christmas program as much as this one,"laughed the pastor, wiping tears from his eyes "For the rest of my life,I'll never hear the Christmas story without thinking of gold, common sense and fur." "My children are my pride and my joy and my greatest blessing," I said as I dug through my purse for an aspirin.

I pray that one day soon I will become a mom who looks at the humor instead of the mess. I thank God daily for the promise of our children to come. I'm excited to see how we grow as we try to raise them and teach them about their heavenly Father. As in the story above seeing things through children's eyes can some different than seeing things through our filtered eyes.

As I endevore to serve God in every area of my life I know that my prayers will not return void. The answers may be different than what I expected but I serve a King that is not human and He keeps every promise that He makes. Thanking Him daily for His gift of His only son. That still amazes me...coming as a tiny baby but yet as a majestic KING!

Jesus had no servants,yet they called Him Master.
Had no degree,yet they called Him Teacher .
Had no medicines,yet they called Him Healer.
Had no army,yet kings feared Him.
He won no military battles,yet He conquered the world.
He committed no crime,yet they crucified Him.
He was buried in a tomb,yet He lives today. Feel honored to serve such a Leader who loves us!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

There's Hope

Moving ahead bold and confident but it is much easier when there is hope. Something that honestly I haven't had for awhile. Thank you Lord for restoring hope within me.

On October 30th I finally had my first gyn/ob appointment since moving to Ohio. It went well. Nothing too much to be excited about. Dr. M is a fast paced straight to the point kind of guy. Didn't really have time to make me feel all warm and fuzzy but I wasn't turned off by him either. He knew his stuff and that's what is important.

At the first appointment he did the regular first appointment stuff as well as took my blood as well as scheduled an appointment for this past Friday November 14th to have an ultrasound done. That is the quickest why for him to see what he's dealing with. My blood work came back fine and he says all my levels are where they needed to be for the day of my cycle I was on when he took my blood. My first question was my progesterone level...It came back at .9. I was a little disappointed but he told me not too worry that it can drop that low during some days of your cycle.

My second appointment is when I had my ultrasound and he went over what we were going to do next. His words were, " This is a good ultrasound...everything is minor and can be fixed quickly and easily. We will get you and your husband on the road to tiring to have a baby quickly." AWESOME!!! PRAISE YOU GOD!!! was my first reaction.

Apparently I have a little endometriosis, fibroid tumor, a really thick uterine lining. He says that all of these things can be fixed with little laparoscopy surgery. He will first do a DNC to make my uterus a little less thick and a little more sticky. Then he will remove the tumor and cut out endometriosis. He made it sound so simple that I thought I was going to drive myself and go to work afterwards until I read the paperwork that he gave me. I think someones going to need to go with me... Either way I don't think that it will be too bad. Seems fairly painless but I'll let you know for sure December 17th.

Keep us in your prayers. Its kind of exciting knowing that once this hysteroscopy is done by this time next year we might actually have a baby...or two. :)

Here's to hoping!

What do I do for a living???

When I tell people what I do for a living sometimes they don't get it. There was a time when I didn't get it either...I read this the other day I read something that explained exactally what I do.

I am a minister. I minister to the largest mission field in the world. I minister...to children.My calling is sure. My challenge is big. My vision is clear. My desire is strong. My influence is eternal. My impact is critical. My values are solid. My faith is durable. My mission is urgent. My purpose is unmistakable. My direction is for - ward. My heart is genuine. My strength is supernatural. My reward is promised. And my God is real.

In a world of cynicism, I offer hope. In a world of confusion, I offer truth. In a world of immorality, I offer values. In a world of neglect, I offer attention. In a world of abuse, I offer safety. In a world of ridicule, I offer affirmation. In a world of division, I offer reconciliation. In a world of bitterness, I offer forgiveness. In a world of sin, I offer salvation. In a world of hate, I offer God’s love.I refuse to be dismayed, disengaged, disgruntled, discouraged or distracted.

Neither will I look back, stand back, fall back, go back or sit back. I do not need applause, flattery, adulation, prestige, stature or veneration. I do not have time for business as usual, mediocre standards, small thinking, outdated methods, normal expectations, average results, ordinary ideas, petty disputes or low vision.

I will not give up, give in, bail out, lie down, turn over, quit or surrender.I will pray when things look bad. I will pray when things look good. I will move forward when others stand still. I will trust God when obstacles arise. I will work when the task is overwhelming. I will get up when I fall down.

My calling is to reach boys and girls for God. It is too serious to be taken lightly, too urgent to be postponed, too vital to be ignored, too relevant to be overlooked, too significant to be trivialized, too eternal to be fleeting and too passionate to be quenched.I know my mission. I know my challenge. I also know my limitations, my weak - nesses, my fears and my problems.

And I know my God. Let others get the praise. Let the church get the blessing. Let God get the glory.I am a minister. I minister to children.

This is who I am. This is what I do.

The Call by Roger Fields

Coffee & Red Bull

3 LARGE cups of coffee hasn't even touched my sleepiness this morning. I think I could curl up under my desk and go to sleep. We went to bed before midnight...like 11:30ish so I shouldn't be THAT sleepy. I think it is just because i actually REALLY REALLY slept last night. No dreams...no work...no one chasing me...It was just me and the pillow. :) I want to go back.

Sadie, our chocolate lab, slept with us last night. She's so funny there are some days that she likes to be right in the middle of us. Other days she wants nothing to do with us and goes and sleeps in the other room. I wonder why there is such a big difference. I wonder if she has scary dreams or maybe she's just cold and wants to warm up. Shawn says I treat Raz and Sadie like a bunch of pre schoolers. I do...but it sure is nice to wake up in the morning and have this cute chocolate face looking at you.

So the question of the day is...will I leave to get a Red Bull before my staff meeting or after my staff meeting...I'm guessing it will be with in the next few mins...It's a coffee AND red bull kind of day...

Made...

Your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Psalm 139:16

It excites me that HE already knows how many hairs are on my children's head...exactally what his toes are going to look like...exactally who he is going to be when he grows up...just how much I already love him!

Thank you Lord for your promises!

21 Things on 10/21

Saw this on one of the Blogs I follow and thought I'd try it!

21 Things on 10/21

1. Where is your cell phone? On the nightstand
2. Where is your significant other? in bed next to me SICK!
3. Your hair color? DARK brown and red..just like the fall leaves :)
4. Your mother? Kathryn Gayle; lives in Tampa
5. Your father? Paul "Skip"; lives with Jesus
6. Something you’re not wearing? Jewelry
7. Your dream last night? Don't remember it all...but it was funny!!
8. Your dream/goal? To live a productive, happy life with my husband and future children!
9. The room you're in? In my bedroom
10. Your fear? That I'll never have my own child to watch grow up
11. Where do you want to be in six years? Raising our children where ever God leads us
12. Where were you last night? Had Mike and Natalie over for dinner
13. Where you grew up? TAMPA FLORIDA!
14. The last thing you did? Went to Jackie and Danny's LAST Cell Group...
so sad...
15. What are you wearing? PJ's shorts and my friend Shannon's t-shirt
16. Your TV? Watching FRIENDS
17. Your pet? Two beautiful puppies!!! Razy and Sadie
18. Your car? PT cruiser
19. Your mood? Trying to relax and get ready for bed
20. When is the last time you laughed? Just now watching FRIENDS
21. Last time you cried? Last week because the Brenner's are moving to Arizona...

Standing on His Promise

There has been so much going on here the past few weeks. I started looking back at the calendar and twelve weeks ago we were... Preparing our home for a new baby, Getting ready for yet another birthday of mine, the birth of baby Eli, the death of Shawn's grandmother, the death of McLovin' (Taylor's bearded dragon), went on vacation, went back to Rocky Mount, moved the girls out, went through a very interesting empty nest time, prepared for Fall Fest @ work, found out that our dearest friends from Ohio are moving to Arizona, and so much more that I could go on all day.

What amazes me is how much happens in twelve weeks and how much is gone none of that will ever happen again. There are times when I wonder what could I have done different to make more of an impact on every single one of these experiences? Live goes by so fast and is filled with so many things and people but when I sit still there are times when I feel so empty and alone. I am thankful that I have a Father that lets me feel but doesn't allow me to stay in those places...I am thankful that I serve a King that is full of promise and hope. There are days when all I can do is stand…Stand on His promises for me and my family.

Jeremiah 29: 11 “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

Philippians 4:12-13 "I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength."

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

Philippians 4:6-7 "Do not be anxious in anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

Psalm 138:8 "The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me; your love, O LORD, endures forever—do not abandon the works of your hands."

Romans 4:20 "Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, 21being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised."

Numbers 23:19 “The Lord will grant you abundant prosperity in the fruit of your womb, the young of your livestock and the crops of your ground-in the land he swore to your forefathers to give you.

Deuteronomy 28:11 God is NOT a God that he should lie, nor a son of man, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not fulfill?"

Never say Never

I remember when we first were married waaayyy back in 1997 I remember Shawn and I talking about children. We would go on birth control for the first year and then start trying year two or three to have a baby. We talked about foster care. We both agreed that we would never do the foster care thing it would be too hard and complicated. Sounds like a plan huh?! After 11 years and 4 months it is clear to say God had other plans. Although I know that He has promised us children its the where when and how that is still in question.

As I have mentioned in other blogs we had a some kids come live with us for 8 months. YES pretty much just like foster care except we didn't get paid by the state...They went home the a few weeks ago. The oldest one had a beautiful baby boy while living with us. He is growing like a weed now! He went from 5lbs 6oz(lowest weight) to 11 lbs 2oz. She is a great mom and loves him so much! The four 4 old has started preschool & LOVES IT. The 15 year old is doing great in high school. I am so proud of them! Just as much as it was an adjustment when they moved in but I think that its more of an adjustment now that they are not here.

So this puts us in a strangely familiar place of what do we do now. The question of our baby comes back to where, when, and how. The Doctor that I went to while living in Rocky Mount was wonderful but with the jobs Shawn had and the fact that he lived up here for 9 months didn't help the getting pregnant factor of things. I could go to the Dr all I wanted and take all the fertility meds but apparently your other half has to actually BE there to get pregnant. Were do we stand on the baby thing you may want to know...We are going to finish up our foster care to adopt license just in case our baby is suppose to come from someone else's tummy but I have also FINALLY made a Dr. appointment.

Can you believe that it has been 2 1/2 years since I have been to the Dr??? Why in the world did I wait that long at 33 years old?? Yes I know that my "Time Clock" is ticking. But with moving I wasn't sure how to pick out the best of the best baby Dr. I have been praying about it for some time now...talked to some people about it...made what I deemed as a rational deduction of Dr...prayed about it some more and then FINALLY made an appointment. My appointment is Thursday October 30. (just 2 days after my dearest friend from OHIO is moving CLEAR ACROSS the country to Arizona. Which may make this Dr think I need some other sort of help other than him) Please pray for this appointment to go well.

Ultimately, I pray and dream that he'll take one look at me and say "YEP your pregnant! Let's do an ultra sound to see how far along you are! OH LOOK THERE'S TWINS!!! A boy and a girl!" Yes...I already have their names picked out. But realistically pray that he knows exactly what I need to do to become pregnant with out thousands and thousands of $$$ and years and years and years worth of test. Pray that this is THE Dr that God is wanting us to go to. Another important thing to me is to pray that he is a Christian that has beliefs that intermingle with ours. I've been to Dr's who are Christians and those who aren't. There is a difference in my opinion.

Well in case you were wondering that's where we stand on the KIDS issue. I have prayed for my children since I was young...SOOOO many reassurances that God knows the desire of our hearts and has plans on fulfilling the promises that He has given to us.

Hubby & I are going with a few other couples to see Fire.Proof this weekend with a few other couples. Suppose to be a great movie if you get a chance check it out...http://www.fireproofthemovie.com/

Happy Fall Ya'll!

3 Reasons

I have to admit lately I have been asking God, "Why do I do what I am doing?". Today as I came in early this afternoon to get some "quite time" prior to evening church I feel at peace with the answer...there are three reasons why I continue to do what I do.

#1 Intimacy with my Dad, my Father, MY GOD!
#2 Involvement in my community that surrounds my on a minute by minute basis.
#3 Influence the world. Only God knows what these children will become...I'm not even sure if they will remember my name but I pray that they will remember the feeling of God's love through me.

Unbelieveable...

My favorite vacation is a vacation at the beach! One of my favorite thing to do is to take a walk on the beach in the morning. The first morning we were there I decided to get up and take a walk on the beach by my self. I took a cup of coffee and that's it. I was so excited! NOW I wish I had my camera or at least my phone...As I walked down to the end of the deck I prayed..."God I REALLY want to enjoy your beautiful creation...Which was should I walk??" I decided to go left...because I'm left handed...REALLY it makes sense! I found 2 little baby sea turtles working their way to the ocean. I know your not suppose to but I picked one up and touched it held it and just marveled at it for a few mins. I put it back down to finish his jounery to his new life out in the HUGE ocean. I set there and watch as they hit the water and wondered how do they ever make it??? How do they ever get so big? When they hit the water they are only about 3 inches. If that wasn't enough. I turned around to walk back the other way and picked up a few sand dollars Walked a little further and saw about 5 star fish! Yes I picked them up too! Then I saw some people fishing and a few kids playing in the "puddles" from low tide so what did I do??? I NEEDED to go see what they were doing. The kids were play with a baby black tip shark and then the guys fishing caught a sting ray with a 4 foot long wing span! It was SOOOO cool! I was able to touch everything!

The little things that God does to make my day are really unbelievable. I can't believe that I am actually worth it to HIM! Thanks Dad!

Making a list and checking it WAY more than twice!

Today's the day I've been dreaming about since we moved...

We are off to Hilton Head South Carolina tonight! Our first stop...Rocky Mount North Carolina! I can't wait! Our plan is to be there by breakfast tomorrow morning and then the beach by 3pm!!! I'm planning a dinner picnic on the beach! Hope its not TOO windy! OK I just noticed that almost all my sentences ended in an exclamation point!!!!! Bet you can't tell I'm excited!!! So much to update on but I better go finish my lists...I'll have a whole week to up date my blog!!

Small but Mighty!!!

He may have come into this world weighing only 5lbs 15ounces but he has a mighty strong presence about him! He didn't like his first bath much but who would...I'm sure it isn't as nice as the one he had been in for the past nine months! Mom and sister are doing well...Although Kelly needs to get some sleep just like any other new mother! But here take a look what what a cutie he is!!!




Before I shaped you in the womb, I knew all about you.Before you saw the light of day, I had holy plans for you...Jeremiah 1:5 The Message

Tomorrow's the DAY!!

It is with mixed emotions that I write this blog. Hard to believe that it has already been 9 months. Kelly is going to deliver Eli tomorrow by c-section around 1pm. We have to be at the hospital at 7am for one last ultrasound and an amnio. Then is everything still looks like the last ultra sound he will meet the world a little after 1pm. If anyone knows me you know how excited I get especially about babies! But there is the other side of me, the incredibly selfish side, that thinks WHAT THE HECK WENT WRONG HERE??!! What about ME God??? When I finally get to this point (on a daily basis at times) and ask God what about me??? That's when God, with His still small voice, leads me again and again to the scripture...

The Lord will grant you abundant prosperity in the fruit of your womb, the young of your livestock and the crops of your ground-in the land he swore to your forefathers to give you. Deuteronomy 28:11

God is NOT a God that he should lie, nor a son of man, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not fulfill? Numbers 23:19

Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God has the power to do what he had promised. Romans 4:20-21

The one that I find particularly funny not because of what it says but because one day I was extremely discouraged and felt completely LOST and alone I opened my Bible to 2 Peter and looked directly at verse TWO Grace and PEACE be your in ABUNDANCE through the knowledge of God and of Jesus.

So needless to say I am so excited I can barely stand it! I can't wait to hold him kiss him love him most of all learn some wonderful lessons from him.

I'll let you know how it all works out tomorrow. Please pray for Kelly and baby Eli that everything goes smoothly and everyone is happy and healthy. Also pray for their entire extended family...with a new baby coming into the family is changes things and can bring unresolved past to the surface again.

Something I read today...

I didn't write this but it hit the spot for me today so I thought I'd share it...plus it went right along with a song that I heard this morning. Don't know why but God continues to amaze me in the way that He speaks to me...

Reaching Out to God

Its true that sometimes when we need Him most we feel far away from Godhurting, alone, forgotten, trampled down by a crowd of problems. Maybe at that point weve given up on ever feeling close to Him again. Maybe we feel dirty and unfit, covered with worldly dust that robs us of courage and weakens our faith.

Well, girlfriend, let me tell you: when you find yourself in that kind of ordeal, remember the woman in the Bible who reached out through the mob to touch the hem of Jesus cloak. There may have been something in her than wanted to think He had passed her by or forgotten her or turned His back on her. . . . Ah, but she knew better. She knew that even if she didnt feel close to Jesus, even if she couldnt look Him in the eye and talk to Him face to face, He still knew she was there. So she came up behind Him and flung out her arm through the raucous crowd, knowing, If I only touch His cloak, I will be healed.

And she did. And she was.

Thelma Wells

One Touch; Nicole C. Mullen; Sharecropper's Seed
Been ostracized for 12 years
I'm used to being alone
Spent everything I had
And now it's gone
I'm used to being put down
My issues tell it all
My only hope is anchored
In this fall
If I could just touch the hem of His garment
I know I'd be made whole
If I could just press my way through this madness
His love would heal my soul
If only one touch
So many people calling
How could He ever know
That just a brush of Him
Would stop the flow
If he knew would He rebuke me
Or shame me to the crowd
Well I'm desperate 'cause it's never or it's now
Suddenly He turned around
He said somebody has unleashed my power
Well, Frightened and embarrassed I bowed
You see I told Him of my troubles
And how...
I had to touch the Hem of His garment
And I know I've been made whole
And how I had pressed my way through the madness
And His love has healed my soul
Then with one word He touched the hem of my garment
And you know I've been made whole
And somehow He pressed His way through my madness
And His love has healed my soul
I tell you He touched me
He reached way down and touched me
When no one else would touch me
Jesus, shol' 'nough He touched me...
And I know I've been made whole.

I love the fact that no matter what I'm doing in my life God finds those teachable moments when I least expect it. I just pray for open ears, expectant heart, and a prayerful spirit to be able to accept His still small voice. BTW this is a GREAT CD so if you get a chance to hear it or get it do!!!

I need help PLEASE!!!

I know I promised and update about camps and VBS but this is on my heart…

As I have written about before in this blog I have 3 "foster kids" living with us right now. They have been at our home since the middle of February and yes we knew that the 20 was pregnant when she moved in. Not knowing how long they were staying I didn't really plan for the new baby that was coming in August. She's having the baby August 5th and I am SO NOT PREPARED!!!! Yes I have taken care of so many babies/children in my life but not one of them lived with me on a permanent basis. This is where you come in...I know SOOOOO many of you great mommies out there know what it takes to bring a baby home. Here are some of the questions that I am hoping that you can answer for me.

-She is having a boy what do we need to have at home to care for him after his little “surgery” on his peepee?
-How about the umbilical cord what do you use to clean that?
-What were the MUST HAVES (besides diapers/wipes) that you couldn’t live without when you got home from the hospital?
-She is having a c-section any special instruction I need to know about helping her heal?
-What are some of the best website for new mommies?
-Any places that you have found that give great deals or samples to new mommies?
-What is the biggest thing that you learned the first 2 weeks home from the hospital with your new little bundle of joy?

Any advice will be appreciated for this floundering friend. I know there is a mommy but she looks to me to have the answers at times and I want to be as prepared as I possible can be.

Take a look at the little one who is going to be joining our household in just a few short days. This was taken at 32 weeks, he has his hand under his chin. I told his mommy that it looked like he was praying!MAN this is such a weird feeling...

Finally a blog moment

Has it really been more than two months since I blogged???? WOW!!! On one hand it feels like it was just yesterday but so much has happened that I don't know where to begin. I started a few posts about my not so every day live.

Well for starters on Saturday May 10th my mom went to the hospital with a horrible pain in her chest, back and stomach. Thinking she was having a heart attach she was relieved to know that it was just a gallbladder problem. Yes in case you were wondering it REALLY did come on fast. Usually with a gallbladder they send you home and set up a time to take it out. They didn't in her case...Thank you God! They went in to take it out on Monday and they were glad they did. It was so filled with infection and gangrene that if it were to have ruptured than it would have most likely killed her. They tried to get all the infection out but some of it attached it self to the back of her right lung and caused it too collapse and caused fluid around her heart. They moved her to ICU to keep a closer eye on her because she has having such pain and difficulty breathing. The Dr's tried many different things to remove the infection but it didn't work. They had to go in and do a major lung surgery on May 20th.

While all this is going on with my mom, Grandfather, my mom's dad passed away on May 16th. ALL the Dr's suggested that we NOT tell her while she was in that condition. So with much prayer and discussion we agreed with the Dr. Kim and Kenny did get to go the furnel while I stayed with Mom during her surgury. It was a hard desision but I still believe that we did the right thing. God trully blessed us with extremely caring and understandable Dr's and nurses during this hard time. Now that all was said and done she is home with Kim and David in Tampa feeling better each day. Kim and David are doing a great job helping my mom regroup and trying to make her take it easy...that's not always an easy job!

Between my sister's brain anurisum and my mom's gullbladder gone wrong I have spent more time in Florida since October than I have in that past 10 years since I've been gone from there. I am so thankful that God has blessed me with a job and understanding bosses that are willing to allow my time to be with my family and help them in what ever way I can. I pray that this year will be one full of health and happiness for the Clower, Wilkerson, Wise family.

The best part about spending time down in Florida was getting to met my georgous new nephew who was born in Costa Rica the end of December. He's offically 6 months old now and keeps getting more good looking with each new picture.
Isn't he cute!!! Look at those blue eyes. He was such a good baby! He took to all of his crazy America family very well. Grandma got out of the hospital just in time to spend some time with baby Kian before they left.

Well I better go and get to bed...I will up date you soon on all my other summer adventures! I can't wait to fill you in!