Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Favorites

As I prepare for their homecoming beginning of the summer I try to savor each moment. Truly one of my favorite things is bedtime. Not because I'm exhausted but because I get to say their prayers, talk about their days, and my "favoritest" part...

Singing Jesus Loves Me. I love hearing them sing it as they yawn and begin to drift off to sleep.

I am reminded daily that He loves me with all His heart and I get to share that joy with three young hearts who I have seen not only grow physically but spiritually. I love it when G prays for his younger brother & sister or his sick friend.

Thank you Father for fulfilling my hearts desire even if it is only for just a few months. My heart is filled with such love for them and I am so quickly reminded that is only a fraction of how much YOU love ME! Thank you again for loving me!

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Perfect Timing

Got an email today from Sarah's Laughter. I don't usually read these emails much anymore but today I did. I'm glad I did.

In my office, it is always 5:30. Never 2:15. Never 8:04. It is always 5:30.

There is a broken clock in my office. People have such different reactions to it! Some look at it with a quizzical look on their faces. Others offer to fix it for us, but I always politely decline. You see, my clock is broken on purpose. I took a perfectly good, functioning clock, broke it and hung it on my wall. What a huge blessing!

You see, that broken clock is a reminder of the perfection of God’s timing. At first glance, it appears that the broken clock is worthless. The hands never move. It looks like nothing good is happening. But glance down at the bottom of the clock. The pendulum is still moving. Swinging left. Swinging right. The pendulum never stops.

In the dark days of waiting through your struggle with infertility, it feels like God’s plan for your family has ground to a halt. No explanations from the medical community. No prophetic utterances promising that long-sought after child. Even in the silence of infertility, listen to the ticking of a broken clock. God, like that pendulum, is still working and moving. When it seems like nothing is happening, the pendulum of God’s timing is still swinging.

Buy a clock, break it and proudly hang it on your wall. Let it serve as a reminder of the perfection of God’s timing.
Be still, and know that I am God; Psalm 46:10

I may not know what's on the other side of our current situation but I know who does. My Daddy, My Protector, My Lord, My Savior. I'm thankful for that.

Friday, February 17, 2012

Visits

It's the beginning of the end...

Next week the kids start unsupervised visits at home with their parents. They are suppose to be with us until September but

Praying Mom & Dad will be able to handle the pressures of 3 kids and the kids will be strong enough to handle two different worlds. Praying I can handle this as well!

It will be a difficult transition but nessasarry to go to the next step.

Promises

That old 80's song "You make me promises promises" has been rolling through my head over and over again the past few days.

This week has been an emotionally taxing week for me. Some really good friends of ours just had a beautiful baby girl this week. This past Friday we celebrated another friends handsome little boys 1st birthday. While we were there another set of our friends with 3 little boys announced they were pregnant & it's a strong possibility that it might be twins. Not to mention it looks as though our three will be going home in September. Oh by the way did I tell you that as we were pulling out of the drive way for our valentines date my truck broke?

Can you see why that songs been in my head?

As I was driving back to work from seeing my friend & her new baby at the hospital I realized the swerving faith that continues to rise up in my heart as I asked...

"God is there ever going to come a time when we get to have a baby? Didn't you promise me that? Are we ever going to have children we don't have to give back? What have I done wrong? What am I DOING wrong? I try so hard to get it all right but I still haven't measured up? God PLEASE just give me a sign a word something for me to hold on to."

Yesterday morning after I dropped off all the kids I headed back up to the hospital to sit with my friend because her husband had to go to a meeting. There is one Christian radio station that I love to listen to. I turned it on in the middle of a conversation they were having with some guy about really wanting something and having to wait. I listened & then turned it off and made some phone calls but THEY just don't understand MY pain.

When I turned it back on Brooke the female talk show host was reading an email someone had written about sharing their waiting experience. She talked about getting married young having several miscarriages and thinking how she had given up on her dream of ever having children. She finally got pregnant carried the baby to term and when she had the baby boy she had been praying for she named him Zachariah, she stated in the email that's means THE LORD REMEMBERS.

Yep that is when I pretty much busted into to tears...asking for forgiveness and praying for unswerving hope as in Hebrews 10:23 and to remove all my disbelief. Honestly, as I approach 38 it is getting harder and harder to believe that God gave me that dream to hold on to hope instead of satan giving it to me to torture me everyday. What it comes down to for me is that everyday sometimes every moment it a choice...either I choose to believe God has my best interest at heart or I choose to walk away from everything that I have believed since I was a little girl.

Next Month I have to teach at our women's conference on Dreams. The section I have to teach on is our method vs our means...basically our words and our actions meeting to fulfill our dreams. Example, You can't say I have to be the best mom to my kids and never be there for them. I felt like God told me the beginning of the year that it's time to start dreaming again...im trying...

Thank you Father for loving me in spite of my doubt. I thank you for the 3 wonderful beautiful children you have placed for a time in our care. I thank you for providing a way. I thank you that YOU know the ending and when there is a war You always win if we allow you to fight instead of fighting the battles alone. Forgiveme for my sins. Father guard my heart my mind and my ears. Give me the courage to do what you have called me to do. I thank you Father for loving me first, knowing me best, and loving me MOST!

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

February...the month of LOVE

As I sit here today it's Sunday afternoon & I'm home with have a clean house. Thanks to my husband skipping church. Trust me I am NOT for skipping just because you don't "feel" like going and NO I'm not saying that my dirty house was/is more important than God. But I am thankful that God has given me a husband who while he isn't perfect he IS will to continually willing change not for me but to make himself a better person. He doesn't always clean like I do...we differ on how to clean...there for we usually do not clean together. :)

Needless to say when I walked in this afternoon I felt LOVED. He knows how much a dirty house stresses me out. And while sometimes I have to get over it and focused on what is important...THE MOMENT... We have a caseworker visiting tomorrow. So the importance of a clean house rose to the top.

The 3 blue eyed beauties are still here with us. It's almost been a year now. Parents have an upcoming court date. They are at the present moment doing what they are suppose to...taking the classes & doing the jobs that they were asked to do by the courts. We have a pretty good relationship with the birth mom & her family as well as the birth dad. Our prayer is that if they are to go home with their mom & dad then they will allow God to change & heal their hearts fully & completely. If they are to stay with us we pray that the kids will not have any more trauma with going home & then coming back.

As much as we love them we have to be willing to let them go if that is what God chooses. Something that brings me peace is that God already knows the outcome. No matter what NO ONE can EVER take away what God has placed in their hearts. NO ONE will ever be able to take away the memories they've had living here or that they've given us.

As for February...and just a few things that I love...
My God My FATHER
My Husband
3 Beautiful Blue Eyed Beauties sleeping in my house
SNOW :)
My Puppies
My Family
My Friends
My Neighbors
ABSOLUTELY LOVE kissing those babies good night each night. After a year still my favorite part of the day!
My Church

What do you LOVE about February?