Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Reassurance...

I have been struggling this week...okay a few weeks with a few things. Not going into too much detail right now. It's more life related than just baby related. I love it God fills me from the inside out with reassurance. Then this evening I have grow increasing more concerned about my HSG tomorrow and now I have to drive an hour to in the middle of the snow storm.

Isaiah 43:18-20 "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland."

And I continually am reminded of our New Years verse...Isaiah 54:2-3 Enlarge the place of your tent, stretch your tent curtains wide, do not hold back; lengthen your cords, strengthen your stakes. For you will spread out to the right and to the left; your descendants will dispossess nations and settle in their desolate cities.

Thank you Father for your daily reassurance through Your word and friends you have placed in my life!

Monday, January 26, 2009

Draino and Side Effects

I don't think I have ever been on the verge of tears as much as I have since starting the clomid. Not so sure I remember the side effects being like this last time. At my Dr.s appointment the beginning of January told the Dr. when I asked for the Clomid the first time and he told me no...I said, "I know the side effects of this and I'm ready! I can handle it. I've had it before I know the side effects and I'm ready!" I was pretty cocky and admit that I wanted it.

As I sit here on day 5 (thank you JESUS its the last day) I have literally wept, not cried WEPT, everyday since being on this. I read one of my dear friends posts about fulfilling a dream of hers I couldn't stop crying! I wanted to write a comment how proud I was of her overcoming a fear and living in the moment and fulfilling a dream...but I couldn't because I was crying and couldn't type it out write THEN I started crying because I couldn't type. WHAT THE FREAKIN HECK!!! Then again I have never had "clean plumbing" and taken Clomid...I'm thinking that Draino may have been cheaper way to clean "my pipes" and maybe less side effects! ...in a few days I'm going to find this really funny.

It says one of the SIDE EFFECTS to Clomid: Mood Swings...Is that what you freakin call this?? Wondering if pregnancy mood swings are anything like this.

Friday, January 23, 2009

The Kid, The Dog & The Dr. went into the bar...

Sounds like a good beginning to some lame joke doesn't it...sorry no bar in this post though...

It's hard to get moving this morning. As 8:00 quickly approaches I am enjoying sitting here in bed with my two beautiful puppies and little Ethan. I have been blessed with the opportunity to watch Ethan until Sunday. It always makes me laugh of how much it takes to take care of one little person. He is almost 18 months old and is having a grand time exploring everything. He did really good last night...He went right to sleep after his bath but then woke up at midnight panicked because he didn't know where he was. After a re-binki and some love he quickly calmed back down and went back to sleep until 7:30.

Sadie our chocolate lab doesn't know what to think of having Ethan in bed with us this moring. Right now they are nose to nose on their belly's smelling each other. Sadie REALLY wants his sippy cup or binki...just for a taste. Ethan's not giving them up...nor would I actually let Sadie have them. It's just funny to watch.

On other news fronts...I went to the doctor again the other day to sign paper for my hysterosalpingogram (HSG). Probably my least favorite test that I have ever failed. Well I got a 50% last time. I had one done about 5 years ago in North Carolina. That's when they found out that my left tube was blocked with scar tissue. They tried to unblock it with the dye but were unsuccessful...let me tell you that hurt. Needless to say I am NOT looking forward to having this test again BUT I am looking forward to seeing the dye flow through both tubes freely! Yes the Dr did open my tube in Dec during surgery but was not able to watch the flow through the tube. Apparently after he open the tube he could see that the fluid came out the other side but in this test it shows how it flows. Basically he wants to see how the egg flows. He also explained to me that for some unknown reason people have a high % of getting pregnant after having this done. So that test will be done next Wednesday so please keep me in your prayers.

Another wonderful thing that happened at the Drs. was that he gave me a RX for Clomid. This MAKES you ovulate. YEAH ME!!! Last month I took ovulation test and they barely came up positive but hopefully now they will defiantly be positive.

Well that's all the update that I have for now. Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Feels Like

Feels like...COLD

As I sit warm and toasty in my bed with my cup a coffee, two beautiful puppies, and my computer I know longer ever have to wonder what 0 degrees feels like! :) It's REALLY cold! As I watch Shawn get ready to go out in to the cold had no clue how many layers it actually takes to stay warm.

This Florida girl LOVES the snow, LOVES bundling up, LOVES snuggling in bed with hubby and puppies, BUT has officially decided she DOES NOT like driving on icy roads. I can handle the below freezing temperatures...I can handle the snow...but when you but them together it can be pretty dangerous. Right now it is so cold that they can't even salt the roads. If/when the snow melts it turn immediately into ice. It makes for a very slippery drive into work.
That is why I am fortunate enought to be sitting in bed with my second cup of coffee and two puppies wait for some symbolance of the sun to come out and warm us up to 6 degrees today. With temperatures like this there is GOOD news...this weekend when it finally makes it to 24 degrees...It will feel like a HEAT wave!

Wishing I was in Costa Rica with Keith, Becky, and Kian today !

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Appointment Update

I haven't posted since my appointment because I have been trying to process it. I can't really say that I am "done" processing it because I feel like I have no answers.

I have a feeling this may be a love hate relationship with my Dr. He's good but so he's busy... At least at this appointment. So that means he has no time to hear my stories of how I felt nor does he probably even really care. After I sat in the little room for 45 mins he walks in glances at my belly button and says how are you feeling and I say fine. He says you look great lets go to my office.

We go into his office and he closes the door and proceeds to show me my pictures. First was the endometriosis...which he said wasn't too bad but the scare tissue all over was "severe". What is the scare tissue from? He says its from the endometriosis. SO then he goes on to the next picture which is my uterine wall. He said that it is shedding and trying to regrow all at the same time because my hormones are out of whack. I asked him, "What can I take to help that? Metphormine?" No, that just for blood sugar he said... That usually happens when people have really heavy periods...Well I don't have heavy painful periods...They may last 3-5 days and its not too heavy and mine aren't painful...He says then I don't know why its doing that then...He closes my chart and seemed like everything was over and I ask well what about my left tube? He said I'm not really sure if its open...I said What? you said that you opened my tube during that procedure. He said well we really don't know until we do an HSG...So we'll schedule one of those and then go from there. I said...what about clomid or something...He said i'm not giving you anything until I see if your tube is open. He walked me out to the secretaries desk and told her to set me up and appointment for an HSG.

Needless to say I left there feel pissed at myself because I didn't stand up and say...I KNOW that you are busy and I KNOW that there are a lot of people waiting but having a baby is important to me and I don't like feeling like you pushing me out the door. There are so many more questions that I wanted to ask but didn't have time to even think of them much less ask them...

I went home that night and told Shawn what happened at the appointment. He asked, "Isn't that the one where they shoot the dye through your tubes?" Why yes my smart husband that's been paying attention, "that it is what it is." He said that said. "Why would he want to do that when you he said he put dye through the tubes day I had the surgery. He came out and told me that they shot dye through both sides and they were open."

Why would the Dr come and tell Shawn that and then ask me to have an HSG done. So I called the Dr on Friday and told the nurse what happened and she said I'll call you back. So she called me back and told me yes you still need to have a HSG done because the one you had done was a LONG time ago. I said no my husband said that the dr came out and told him that he put dye through my tubes while I was in surgery. Why would I need to have an HSG done if he JUST basically done? She said "oh I didn't understand that the first time. Honestly I don't have your file over here at this location but I will call you back when I have it." When the Dr called the night of the surgery asked him about my left tube? He said "Its open your good! Everything went GREAT" I know I was on drugs but I wasn't out of it.

So basically I'm confused...I know that God has it under control but He has also wants us to make wise choices, but all of this trying to have a baby that you feel like God has promised you can be a little confusing and frustrating sometimes. But after all is said and done I still stand firm on...

Numbers 23:19 “The Lord will grant you abundant prosperity in the fruit of your womb, the young of your livestock and the crops of your ground-in the land he swore to your forefathers to give you.

Deuteronomy 28:11 God is NOT a God that he should lie, nor a son of man, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not fulfill?"

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Trust?

But blessed is the (wo)man who trusts in the LORD,
whose confidence is in him. Jeremiah 17:7
So I did something not so smart the other night about 10:30 . In my search to be filled with a wealth of knowledge about infertility and I came across someone's blog that had a surgery that was extremely similar to what I had done. The only thing is that hers didn't turn out so well. She had it done 6 months ago and they still aren't pregnant and with 3 or 4 failed IUIs the Dr. doesn't give them much hope outside IVF. We all know how much that costs...and the fact insurance doesn't pay for it 98% of the time. Needless to say its been hard for me to focus since. Why do I do that to myself? I'm not sure...But it really made me start thinking...why is it easier to trust for other people's miracles but not my own. I know that God has promised us a son and I try desperately to hold on to that promise.
Tomorrow is my follow up appointment for the surgery. I wonder what he's going to say. Praying that if I'm not pregnant (which if I was I doubt I would be up blogging at 11:45 at night) he will give me some meds that will help me ovulate on both sides and we will be able to get pregnant quickly. I still haven't found a blog about someone who is in their mid 30's who had a few repoductive problems and then was able to get pregnant naturally and given birth to a happy healthy baby. I'm sure there is one out there somewhere...who knows maybe I'm sitting here reading the first. :)
Good Night...Pray for a great report tomorrow!

Thursday, January 1, 2009

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

So did everyone enjoy their extra second that we had last night just before the clock struck midnight? Did anyone new years resolutions? I hope everyone enjoyed bringing in 2009. A year that I believe will bring fulfillment so many of God's promises.

Our New Year's Eve was very fun. (I'll post again with pictures of all who celebrated with us) We started the evening off with going to church. I was working with the kids but Shawn was able to be a part of it. Our pastor handed out stakes (yard stakes) to every adult there. Pastor's message was on Isaiah 54:2-4 Enlarge the place of your tents stretch your tent curtains wide, do not hold back; lengthen your cords,strengthen your stakes. For you will spread out to the right and to the left; your descendants will dispossess nations and settle in their desolate cities. Do not be afraid; you will not suffer shame. Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated. You will forget the shame of your youth and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood.

I have a confession to make...every since this surgery where everyone KNOWS that I'm suppose to get pregnant after it I have been REALLY anxious about not getting knocked up. You know all the what if's come in to my mind...What if I'm not ever suppose to be a mom, What if I get pregnant and loose the baby, What if I never get pregnant, What if I let everyone who has been praying over me down because I can't get pregnant, What if I have to go though another year of no baby...You get the point...WHAT IF.

I have been truly trying to do a good job of "taking ever thought captive" and "being anxious in nothing". When i feel the anxiety creep up I start looking up Bible verses (because I SUCK at memorizing), praying, finding some source of seeing Gods hand move or feeling God. I had a dream the other night that has nothing to do with this EXCEPT for the fact that our pastor wife from COTR was pregnant in it!...but anyways...I was anxious ALLLLLL the way through my dream. I sat down this morning to pray and do may devotions and said, "God I don't WANT this feeling I give it to you Please forgive me for feeling this way and send something to reassure me that what you promised me will is true and will come into existence and that will bring me peace."

All that to say...Have I told you about Cynthia? She is the "counselor" here at our church. She has 4 natural children 2 adoptive NO PROBLEM getting or staying pregnant. Well She called me to come down to her office and she said that God woke her up the same night I had my dream to pray over the church and stuff like He does often but as soon as she was drifting back off to sleep she felt God wake her back up and tell her to pray for me and to come today and give me this word...

2 Kings 4:14-17 "What can be done for her?" Elisha asked. Gehazi said, "Well, she has no son and her husband is old." Then Elisha said, "Call her." So he called her, and she stood in the doorway. "About this time next year," Elisha said, "you will hold a son in your arms." "No, my lord," she objected. "Don't mislead your servant, O man of God!" (this is how I felt when she was telling me) But the woman became pregnant, and the next year about that same time she gave birth to a son, just as Elisha had told her."

What is my resolution? To not hold back...to have "crazy faith". Non wavering faith for ME and my household. It seems to be easier to have that type of faith for others but at times more difficult to have that same faith for myself. I'm staking my claim on the promises that God has given us!

I pray that you and your family will be richly blessed this year as you endeavor to serve HIM!