Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Hi...My name is Martha

Yes, apparently I have changed my name without even knowing it. I am no longer Kara or Mary. I am Martha... Realizing this fact over the past few days has been difficult for me. And I'm not even sure when that happened...

Life is busy. Everyone's life can get busy at times. I mean between attempting to rebuilding a children's ministry of a church, paying bills, cleaning the house, running errands, spending time with my husband, trying to conceive, planning trips to the dr. between work, keeping up with what "day" I'm on, scheduling another round of fertility treatments...wow the list could go on and on. It is so easy to get caught up in the busy-ness that I end up forgetting sometimes what is most important.

In the past when I would read or study the story about Martha & Mary (Luke 10:38-42) I KNEW I was a Mary. I just wanted to be close to Jesus no matter the cost. I wanted to sit at His feet. My ALL time P&W song is The more I seek you. I really do want to sit at His feet drink from the cup in His hand lean back aginst Him and feel His heart beat. (I am totally drawn in to songs where you can paint a word picture. I don't like just singing the words I want to feel and see the words.) That desire still lives inside but for one reason or another I have put it on the back burner and chosen to take of the roll of Martha. Too busy to sit and wait on God. That hurts me...and if it hurts me how much more does it hurt Him.

I have been praying and trying to figure out how I got to this point. What happened that caused this change in me? Is it because I work full time in the ministry now. Ironic yes I know. You'd think working at a church is the best most rewarding place to work. And it is at times. But just like every other job it has its ups and downs. Is it the quest for a baby that pushed me in to my Martha state? Is it desire to have everything neat and organized in my life? (it's so not there...I did say desire.)

God has shown me some good news...it doesn't matter when it happened or how it happened...He'll continue to show me when it's time. But as for now there is alway room at Jesus' feet for me...to praise Him, worship Him, cry with Him, lay my hopes and dreams down, sit with Him, and soak in Him. This weekend He showed that's where my hiding place is with Him. Because when I'm there it just me and Him and that's exactally what He wants...and so do I.

**mute side bar music when you play this song**

Friday, March 20, 2009

Friends!

Have I ever told you what WONDERFUL friends we have been blessed with???

God has blessed Shawn & I with wonderful friends...from everywhere! I remember when we first moved to Maryland away from my family and the first of my adult friends. For months I cried and cried saying PLEASE God give me friends. He did. When we moved to NC I was a little wiser...I started praying before we moved and began praying God please prepare friends for Shawn and I there that will last a lifetime and let us meet them quickly! He did yet again. We moved in shifts to Ohio but that didn't stop God from forming friendships and bonds that seem like we have known each other for ever.

I say all that because during each of our moves we have been trying to conceive and people sometimes don't know what to do with that. So many of our friends have had "quick" pregnancy. They decide they want to have a baby and with in a month or two they are pregnant. Even some that have struggled but now have babies. I have the feeling that sometimes people just don't know what to do or say so they just back off or don't mention it. I have read and re-read this devotion almost everyday since I received it letting it seep in. My guess is that I am not the only person that God is going to put in your path struggling with infertility so here are somethings that I hope will help!

What Can I Do To Help?

If you love someone who is carrying the heavy load of unplanned “un-pregnancy”, you may find it difficult to know how to offer support for their struggle. They definitely need your encouragement, but it is sometimes so difficult for friends and family to know how to offer the support. As we struggle with infertility, our relationships with friends and family are undeniably touched. Those who conceive easily may have difficulty truly understanding the struggle an infertile couple faces every single day. In our effort to offer support for those who struggle, we submit these suggestions for ways that friends and family can offer their own support to those they love. These are simple, practical ways to show your love and support. If Sarah’s Laughter can help you in any way, please feel free to contact us at any time.

What to Say...
I’m so sorry.I’m praying for you. (Only say this if you really will pray!) How would you like me to pray for you? (Join in agreement with them in prayer. Don’t assume you know what they’re praying for. They may be praying for something that seems totally off the wall to you. You don’t have to understand why certain things are important. It may be important for your friend to not be invited to her cousin’s shower, or to be called into work on what should have been her due date. When you validate their feelings by praying in agreement with them, it can be a beautifully healing thing.)I’m here if you need to talk. (Then don’t be afraid of what they may say. Don’t be offended if they don’t want to talk. Being available to them as a sounding board is priceless.)


What NOT to say...
Relax, honey. It will happen. (This minimizes the hurt the couple is feeling. Also, sometimes it doesn’t happen.)You’re so lucky not to be tied down with kids. You can go on vacation any time you want.At least...you were only a few weeks along, At least...you have one child. At least...you have time with just the two of you. (A good rule of thumb is--if you start a sentence with “at least” it’s probably the wrong thing to say!)So whose fault is it--yours or his? (Infertility is not an issue of fault. It is a medical condition that carries a heavy emotional and spiritual burden. This is an intensely personal battle. If they want--or need--to share personal, medical information with you, let them. It’s really quite an honor to be trusted with such vulnerable information. If they don’t want to share, please don’t ask.)You can always have another baby. (Unfortunately, many who experience infertility also experience loss. Even if they are blessed with a houseful of other children, they still grieve the baby they’ve lost. They love this baby. They want this baby.I know how you feel. (No, you don’t. Even if you suffered with infertility or miscarriage, you cannot know exactly how this person feels. You may have a good idea based on your own experience, but not the specifics of this situation.) Don’t cry. It’ll be okay. (Let them cry. Let them cry with you or on you. Just let them cry.)


Be Sensitive...
Infertility and loss are excruciating experiences which tend to be extremely private. If someone dares to trust in you and shares these experiences with you, take their hurt very seriously even if you cannot relate to their pain. Maintain their confidence. If someone else questions you about your friend’s childlessness, keep the information to yourself. Even when others ask out of concern, remember the intimacy of this situation. If and when your friend wants to share with others, she will--just as she shared with you. Realize that baby showers and Mother's day are painful but they still want to be a part. These are excruciating events for those who struggle.Realize that the grief an infertile couple carries begins anew approximately every 28 days.Don’t panic if the couple “emotionally vomits” on you. Don’t cringe if they start talking about sperm counts or post-coital tests. Your support can be life giving to someone who feels like they are going to collapse under the weight of an empty cradle.Don’t be afraid of anger. Hurting people tend to lash out. If they are angry at their spouse, their doctor, their baby, their body or even at God, let them vent.Give hurting couples an “out” on Mother’s Day/Father’s Day, on days when you have a baby dedication at church, for baby showers, etc. Let them know about the dedication in advance if you are comfortable doing so, so that they can decide if they want to attend that Sunday. These are hard events to attend. Don’t criticize if they do not attend. However, follow up with them if they miss more than just the difficult days or if they are pulling away too much.Let them know you care. However it works for you and those you care for, just let them know you care.


As Philippians 4:13-14 says, we can do all things through Christ who gives us strength, but it is so good of you to share with your infertile friends/family in their trouble. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you for caring for hurting people and making such a wonderful effort to ease the pain of unintentional childlessness.
(c) 2009 Sarah’s Laughter-Christian Support for Infertility & Child Loss


I want to thank all of my friends that continue to pray for our miracle. Thank you for standing in the gap, holding our hand high when we can't, for BLESSING us by allowing us the privilege to love you and your children. God has strategically places each and every one of you in our lives...and our lives have been changed because of you! WE LOVE YOU! Spring has Sprung...have a wonderful weekend!!!

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Have I told you about my Dad?

Have I ever told you that I have the best Dad in the WHOLE world? Well of course HE created it! Right now I'm not speaking of my earthly dad who was a wonderful father to me but about my Heavenly Father who ALWAYS has my back! Listen to what He did for me!


In response to my tears that have been shed and held back the past few days...Praying for comfort of some sort that I know would only come from HIM...Cynthia the councilor here at the church walks past me today and says..."Good Morning! I'll be right back. Don't go anywhere". Needless to say I was very curious. She comes down and says "I had the COOLEST thing happen last night!" She proceeds to tell me about how she woke up in the middle of the night and started praying for so many people and things in this church. Everyone needs an intercessor like Cynthia in their life. She then sets down something’s from a baby shower that we helped at a few weeks ago. She said, "God told me to give you this. This represents His promise to you and the conception that is about to happen." She tells me often how she prays for our baby and how "HE" looks just like Shawn.

He restores hope & comfort in very strategic moments. He knows me inside and out. Feelings said and unsaid. Thank you Father! I feel so blessed!

Confession

I have a confession to make...I have started to like the two week wait. You know the one in between ovulation and test day. For me those weeks are full of anticipation, hopefulness, excitement, planning for the possibility, and thankfulness that my body function correctly and actually did ovulate. Only to end that two week wait with a test that you are so desperate to pass. You’ve done your research…you’ve “studied” everyday what feels like day and night and you just don’t want to “study” or even talk about “studing” any more…you’ve prayed and cried out to God to PLEASE PLEASE to pass it just once of these test. To watch others test without a barely “studying” at all. You have done EVERYTHING that you have been instructed to do and yet you still fail the test.

The only thing that I find consistent about my cycle is that for 130 months I have gone without a positive test. WOW! Talk about failing! Now grant it we weren't actively trying all of those months but we were doing nothing to prevent it either. For me infertility is full of frustration and misunderstanding mixed with hopefulness and excitement that is hard to even put into words.

This month for many reasons has been more difficult for me than many of the previous months. It’s spring (or at least it will be shortly). It seems as though baby bellies are popping out everywhere. I have blessed enough to hold so many others sweet newborns. Pray over them, comfort them, and when they start screaming uncontrollably…hand them backJ. But this month I wanted it to be my month…OUR month…I so desperately wanted to tell Shawn’s father on his 60th birthday that he was finally going to be a “Grampie”. I wanted so desperately to tell all of my friends that have been praying and interceding for us THANK YOU!! We’re pregnant! I wanted so desperately to finally give Shawn this funny kid’s book I got him to welcome in to “Daddyhood”.

But instead this month I call the Dr. cancel my pregnancy test and order more clomid. Instead this month I continue to thank God that He is a fulfiller of promises. I thank Him for my body working correctly and actually ovulating. I thank Him for the relationship that He continues to build between Shawn & me. I thank Him for the wonderful husband that He has given me. The husband who use to never ask a thing and holds me when he knows I’ve started but I don’t want to talk about it. I thank Him for His love and grace when there are days when I don’t want to deal with “stupid people”.

But this month I will also continue to remember where I find my strength…
“…Stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is NOT in vain.” 1 Corinthians 15:58.

“Enlarge the place of your tent, stretch your tent curtains wide, do not hold back; lengthen your cords, strengthen your stakes. For you will spread out to the right and to the left; your descendants will dispossess nations and settle in their cities.” Isaiah 54:2-4

This month I will continue to stand firm knowing that MY God is the God that performs MIRACLES and displays his power among the people. Psalms 77:14.

This month is like many others…I wait with anticipation for God to fulfill His promise of what was spoke over our lives… “The Lord WILL grant you (US) abundantly prosperity in the fruit of your womb (that would by MY womb), the young of your livestock, and the crops of your ground, in the land that he swore to your forefathers to give you.” Numbers 23:19 .