*This really long post is for me...So I remember and do not forget how BIG how WIDE how GREAT my GOD my FATHER is when HIS promises to me come to pass.
I LOVE old hymns...It reminds me of my grandmother & my mom...my heritage of which I'm so thankful of.
I have been struggling with the fact that I am still at 35 years old not a mom. It is not just from fertility issues, I believe that I have been healed of that, so says my last Drs visit, but also from other issues that are out of my control.
Controlling person??? Definitely NOT how I saw myself...more so if I needed to take control over something I could but I don't HAVE to have control over everything. I know God is in control of my life. Honestly I don't want His seat. Until it came to the whole baby/mom/being fruitful and increasing in number thing…
A few months ago someone said to me that broke my heart, “Maybe you should let go of the dream of being a mom and focus on what else God has in store for you.”
Those words have been floating around in my heart and in my head ever since.
I tried letting go like this woman suggested. I tried holding on tighter in spite of what she said. I’ve wept…I’ve prayed…And finally said...
Leading up to this weekend I'd been praying again asking/begging/pleading God to either release me, complete release, from my desire to be a mom, to have a baby or reassure me of His promises. And that they are truly HIS promises not my imagination or selfish desires.
Sunday morning I walked in to my office between services and there was this lady in there that has been praying for Shawn & I & our children. She kind of makes me uncomfortable sometimes.
#1 because she didn't like me when I first started working at the church she said some really mean & hurtful things to me. But I handled it differently then she had ever been treated before and she ended up liking me and hearing my hearts desire for the ministry here.
#2 because she asks me often if I'm pregnant and I feel bad that she keeps praying and believing but I am still not pregnant.
Well on Sunday she asked me if there was any news on the baby front I said no. She said, with tears in her eyes, “Kara I believe it in my spirit I know you will be pregnant soon. God has shown me time and time again your pregnant belly and your child. Yes you will adopt but you will have a baby.”
To which I responded trying to disguised uncomfortableness “I am believing for a child I know HE will provide in His perfect time.” Which I truly am honestly didn't even think of it as conformation until that afternoon.
I was in such firefighter mode I didn't even think about it again until my IM conversation with one of my friends that after noon. I am so thankful that she is sensitive to His Spirit.
The conversation started with “Would you like to know why God is called Jehovah Rophe?”
To which I responded, “Why?”
She proceeded to tell me of a story of a lady, her pastors wife, who has been married for a while unable to have children so they adopted. She has been on birth control for the past 2 years went off of it in July and just found out last week that she is pregnant.
Jehovah Rophe~ GOD who HEALS
She said “It made me think of you Kara...I want you to know, that God is still in the miracle business and don't give up. I don't know if you needed to hear that right now, but I think He wants you to know that He still holds your dreams in His hands, and that you aren't forgotten. I just think you need to hold onto what you know He's spoken to you and He'll take care of the rest.”
That afternoon as I am driving back to church I was thinking of the two instance of confirmation that day and my humanness say... “God you usually confirm things with me 3 different ways...that’s only two so maybe you don't really mean it. Maybe it's just my selfish desires.”
Yes I know what you’re thinking...I do have a very hard head. It amazes me how easily we allow doubt to creep in.
At staff meeting Tuesday where we were talking about this speaker we had on Sunday. He was one of those speakers that you’re listening along and then realize you don't have a pen and paper & you need one desperately because everything he's saying is about ready to make you jump out of your skin.
I am listening to a cd of Sundays message (this past Sunday's the day of 2 confirmations not 3…or so I thought) and he is talking about God's promises about being the type of person that is following what God is asking you to do because you trust God as your leader. He's putting on a personal level and then extending it to the church then to the body of Christ. Basically confirming EVERYTHING that God had been dealing with me on #1 for me personally #2 to say to the 85 volunteers in our children's ministry at our training meeting & #3 to the church body. (Which I am totally terrified about)
Then as if He hasn't been tugging on my spirit about plea of confirmation or release and what I said about the fact that I only saw two confirmations on Sunday. The speaker ends this message with this last statement...
"Elijah is God's promise.”
“God's word is never late.”
“His promises, what God has promised YOU, is real and ready and is true TODAY.”
Thank you Father for confirmation. I ask You to remove the doubt place in my heart and my mind by well meaning people who don’t realize when they say things that hurt. I ask that You remove any offensive spirit that I might have because of the hurt. Thank You for Your willingness to confirm things in 3 ways for no other reason than You love me. Thank You for the promises of what it says in Psalm 77:14 that YOU are the God who performs miracles that You display your power among the people. I thank You that Your promises are real that You are still the same God that is/was/continue to be in Numbers 23:19 God is not a man, that he should lie, nor a son of man, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfill? Thank You for what You do in me. ~Amen