Wednesday, April 15, 2009

I Wish Someone Would Tell Me...

I have learned a lot this month by charting my temperatures. It is interesting to actually see it on paper. I have learned that I don't even come close to ovulating on the 14 looks like I might even just ovulate twice in a month...I've learned that Drs can be wrong...all those years when I was told by one Dr not to take my basal body temperature because it was "barbaric" to tell if you were ovulating that taking my blood worked better was wrong...I've learned that my 6 month window of becoming pregnant after the surgery that I had in December is one month closer to coming to an end...I've learned that my husband is seriously struggling with this infertility issue.
What I wish someone could tell me is when to let go of my dream of being a mom? Is laying my dream daily down on the alter giving up? When is enough enough? When is my dream dead?
It's easier to a degree with My Dad, My Friend, My Dog...Letting them go was HARD oh so HARD. But I knew that #1 there were in a better place and were no longer ever going to be in pain or have to struggle again. #2 their physical death was the definite beginning of the letting go precess. It's hard to realize sometimes when your dreams die.

Do I still want to be a mom??? YES!!! I want to have Shawn's baby with ever ounce of my being. Until someone tells me I can't. But I often wonder if I should be letting go of this dream and moving forward into something else. I often wonder if that dream that I had in Rocky Mount about our son was just that only a dream.
My God is a God who performs miracles. Maybe having Shawn's baby isn't the miracle He wants to perform in me. He knows that plans that He has for me...He said He wants to prosper me and not to harm me...maybe having Shawn's baby would harm me. He said that He would grant me abundant prosperity in the fruit of my womb. Maybe that wasn't in baby form...What I'm trying to say is I DON'T DOUBT GOD...what I doubt is my interpretation of what I've read, heard, feel.

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2Corinthinas 12:9-10.

And so the weaker I get, the stronger He becomes in me.

I go to the Dr tomorrow to take him my wonderful BBT chart and to see what the next step is. Then I come home to discuss the plan with my wonderful husband. We will pray about our plan lay it on the alter and ask God if and when we let go of our dream.

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