Tuesday, April 1, 2008

So much bigger than me

There is a song by Pocket Full of Rocks that has continues to flood my brain. It called Bigger:

I try to put You in my little box. But You keep busting hinges and You keep picking locks. And I see a bigger picture, how small I really am...What's a man to do when he comes face to face with the divine When every part of me wants to run away and hide.

Shawn and I have been trying unsuccessfully now for 112 months to get pregnant. It would be easy to give up or to say that it isn't in "God's plan" for us to have a baby. If I'm being honest I am tempted at times to say that myself. God continues to bust through my box that I continually put him in unknowingly at times. There have been so many things running through my brain the past 10 years while preparing for this child that I know God has promised us, but for some reason I still have this underlying confidence that God really isn't a God that he should lie and that he WILL give me the desires of my heart...just on his time table.

The way God stretches me really hurts sometimes. The 20 year old staying at our house is about 5 months pregnant...She is just starting to show...She has felt the baby for a few weeks now but I am just now able to feel the baby. A single mom of soon to be two little precious gifts from God...I have never wanted to run and hide as much as I do right now. Can't I just run and hide while I wait for His time? Why is my JOB-DAILY JOB- to work with families and children. As much as I LOVE IT...Its hard, but I know that's selfish. I don't know what you thought when you were in first grade and were asked what do you want to be when you grow up but I KNEW I WAS CALLED TO BE A MOMMY. No doubt...in my child like faith I KNEW that's what God created me to be. Sometimes I just kind of find it funny where God places me & who God places in my life. In those times I look around and realize how BIG my God really is.

...Lord I found it quite amazing, somewhat amusing too The way some of us try and put our fences around You. But I'm grateful for Your mercy and for Your patient grace. And to think that You invite me Lord to look upon Your face.

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