Our Weekend & My Top 10

I could not wait for Saturday morning to get here.

We picked up the kids at 8:15 Saturday morning and had a fun day together. They spent the night and went to church with us on Sunday. We had lunch with our friends. 4 couples, 1 grandma & 12 kids...We were definitely out numbered. After that we took them to build a bear. Then back to their moms house. 

It was a fun weekend. Lots of things have changed. My love deep heart wrenching love has not. It was still hard to say good bye. I didn't cry until I got in the car this time! Yea Me! Still sad to know what could have been. It's hard to watch them struggle emotionally. They don't understand what's happening. I know their mom loves them...as much as she can...Just not sure she doesn't love herself more. I am thankful I don't have to stand in judge of that at the end of time. I'm only responsible for me and how I respond to things. 

So after my husband and I dropped off the kids, got into a mean disagreement about the kids directly related to our pain I came back to work and made a top 10 list of WHY we do what we do. In no particular order...

1. Because I just get kids. 

2. I love kids. 

3. I love watching my husband with kids and how it changes his rough meanness to fun, laughter & love.

4. I love watching kids grow physically spiritually, emotionally, socially.

5. We are called to love as Jesus loved. I know He loved kids best :) 

6. It heals my heart to be an aide in their healing. I've seen the same in my husband even if he won't admit it. 

7. It been a blessing to us in many many ways

8. I love the way it draws me & my husband closer to each other like nothing else has ever done in 15 years. 

9. We have a lot to offer a child & We have a lot to learn from a child. 

10. God has given us the privilege to help impact lives. 

It is painful to love. God has called me to do 2 things to love Him & to love them (others). I look at Jesus' life as an example. I can't imagine the pain He must have felt loving people and I realize 2 things.

...if it didn't hurt I wouldn't have love like He asked me to. 

...what He has called me to do is NOT an easy thing but He has asked me anyways. 

Praying for my husband a lot lately...praying God touches his heart. Men like to fix and he can't. Men do NOT like to have lack of control. He has none. I can't understand how hard this must be for him as a man. I just pray he knows I love him & that God loves him MORE!

Sums It Up

That one word sums it up for me right now...HOPE...

~May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with~ 

~HOPE by the power of the Holy Spirit.~Romans 15:13

Hope...I have to...I CHOOSE to.

Melts my heart

I can't believe they aren't here to hug and hold and kiss each night.

Found a picture that Logan (3) drew for me. He said "mommy it's my heart for you!" 10/2/11

Those three will always have my heart!

Made Me Laugh

I love this show!

Honestly

Today is one of those days where I want to pull the covers up over my head and scream "I don't wanna!! I don't wanna! And you CAN'T make me!!!"

I want to stay in bed until my heart doesn't hurt anymore. Till my heart is filled with the happiness I had a month ago. Till I feel rested. Until this season is over...

...because watching my dreams die is so unbelievably painful.

But for now I have to get up and remember...
~it's not about me...it's about HIM
~ the JOY of the Lord is my strength
~ I CAN do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
~ testing of my faith produces perseverance

It's time to get ready for work. Father I pray for YOUR strength to come alive in me. I pray for wisdom grace and guidance. Give me your ears to hear...your eyes to see...your hands when I touch...your feet when I go....and your mouth to speak your words...thank you Father for knowing me 1st knowing BEST and loving me MOST. In spite of my imperfections.

Change...

I woke up to a startling realization of something this morning. I cleaned the bathroom this weekend. This morning when I got out of the shower I realized...it's still clean...no tooth paste on the mirror. No trash 1/2 thrown away.

It's clean.

To some that would be a wonderful thing. To me it means my beautiful 3 are not with me. I miss them. I'd clean the bathroom everyday twice a day to have them home.

Father this morning I ask you to send you comforting heart to hold mine. Please protect & provide for those 3 beauties. Give them wisdom & understanding beyond their years. Help them process. Help us process. Remind mind them of memories and lesson learned while with us. I thank you and praise you for their lives, for our lives together! What a blessing they are to so many.

Joy Unspeakable

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33 NIV)

They must turn from evil and do good; they must SEEK peace and PURSUE it. (1 Peter 3:11 NIV)

For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning. (Psalm 30:5 NIV)

After I dropped the older two off with their grandfather yesterday I went to a parking lot and cried. Cried from the moment I said "see you in the morning" till the moment I walked in the doors at home. I sat in the parking lot for an hour trying to make myself stop crying. My heart was grief stricken like when my father died.

I prayed for peace in the parking lot. I prayed for Gods wisdom on how to grieve and for guidance. I prayed for protection of their minds, their souls, their lives, their hearts. I prayed for courage for them. I prayed for their family...that they realize the gift(s) that they have been blessed with. I prayed for endurance. I prayed do deal with this withOUT tears.

Songs began to rise from within me.
"Joy unspeakable that wont go away. Just enough faith to live for today. I never have to worry what tomorrow will bring. My faith is on solid rock...I'm counting on God."

"It will be my Joy to say YOUR will YOUR way...always"

I came home from work early last night. The tears just wouldn't stay away. Not sobbing just flowing. When I walked through the doors I have a three year old leaping for joy that I was home.

"Mommy's home!!!! Yeah!! I missed you mommy!!!" He was exclaiming as he jumped into my arms.

"Daddy & I got pizza! Come eat with me!" He said.

I relished every moment of the evening with him. Feeling so blessed. Feeling so much joy in the mist of my aching heart.

God has reminded me of so many things lately.

#1 What I've asked of you is not easy. But I've asked you anyways.
#2 If it wasn't painful you wouldn't have loved like Jesus loved.

With that I realize that mourning will be just a season but how I respond is important.

He is a fulfiller of promises. He is not man that he should lie. He is my Father and He loves me first He loves me most & He knows me best.

And so it begins.

one year...ten months...six days...everything changes....

The older two will begin their transition back to their moms house today after school. We had dinner for the last time as our family. We laughed together watching AFV for the last time as our family. We said prayers and sang praises for one final time together.

I can't help but have tear streaming from my eyes.

We had a 2 am wake up call with bad dreams...
We had a 4 am wake up call for the potty...
Yet another 4:32 am wake up call to blow a nose & to pray the bad dreams away.

And that was just LAST night.

As much as I love them with every part of my being...I have to daily make a choice to realize I am not their protector. God is! I am not their provider. God is!

He will always do a much better job than I would. I am thankful and grateful for each and every moment with them. I pray that their faith roots will develop quickly and run deep.

I love them more than I ever thought I possibly could. I can't imagine how much God loves them...and me.

Thank you Father for choosing me for these three even if it were just for a moment.

one year...ten months...six days...it feels like forever...but gone in just a moment.

Got to have the Faith the FAITH THE FAITH...

Faith by George Michael use to be one of my sisters favorite songs.

God knows how much I just love to read. Actually he know just how sarcastic I am as well. I've challenged my self to read 8 books this year. I dislike reading but I love knowledge. I love the book I'm reading right now. "Greater" by Steven Furtick.

He talks about living a GREATER life. Something more than just ordinary. I have been questioning lately why I do what I do. While I love it...I feel so inadequate. Daily. I've found if I don't keep myself focused on who I am than I find myself, my faith, my confidence shrinking at an extremely fast pace. One thing that I continue to learn is that my faith is only what I make it. You don't just drift in to faith.

Faith is action...Faith is work...

“Consider whats at steak.
Greater authority and confidence in God than you’ve ever known
Greater clarity of your identity and your calling
Greater purpose as you approach everyday tasks
Greater joy in knowing that you’re in the sweet spot of God’s blessing
Greater influence over the people around you
Greater impact in the world."

“If you are a woman of faith, you need to live a life that requires faith. You’ve been talking about faith, but you are a mastermind at maneuvering so that you don’t have to have any faith at all”

“a big dream without a small start is nothing but a daydream. God initiates the biggest changes in our lives through the smallest starts.”

Excerpt From: Furtick, Steven. “Greater.” Multnomah Books, 2012-09-04. iBooks.
This material may be protected by copyright.

I don't know that God has planned for Shawn & I with these beautiful 3, in ohio, our jobs, or for the next 5 years but I do know I don't want to be ordinary any more. I was never born to fit in. I want to be the extraordinary that God created me to be.

Greater

I have been reading this book by Steven Furtick entitled Greater. Here's an excerpt of what the chapters read today.

“God, whatever the greater life You are calling me into might look like, I’m in. Whether it’s a big thing or a small thing You call me to do, I believe it will be a greater thing because You’re the One who is calling and You are greater than all things. Whether the greater life means leaving something behind or becoming more passionate about where I am, I’ve decided to follow You.
“Here’s my life, Lord. It’s open ended. And it’s pointed in the direction of the next step You call me to take. No matter what it costs.”

This year my new year's resolution is is to thrive instead of just survive the year. I want the greater things God has for me in my personal walk with Him, in my marriage, in my relationships with others, in my everyday life. He is able todo immeasurably more...not just a little more...than I can even imagine! That blows my mind. I pray that He gives me eyes to see His vision for my life, ears to hear Him crystal clear and courage to step into what He is asking of me.

2013...Really?

I was speaking to one of my friends that I have the pleasure of working with today about the past year. He said he was excited about the new year and about camp season...for most people there are 4 seasons...Winter Spring Summer & Fall.

Where we come from there is Winter, Spring, Camp, VBS, Camp, Summer, Fall.

We were talking about the past years successes and failures. I said that I want to thrive this year and not just survive this year.  I want to enjoy the journey not just not just hold it together. A year of exponential growth. Not settling but continued growth. I spoke of missed opportunities, figuring out how to use that God's given me effectively, how to grow to be who God's creating me to be, finding balance with so much emotional things going on especially with the kids...yada yada yada

I received a txt of later today that said...

4 signs of growth...
1. Recognizing missed opportunities
2.Utilizing the resources you already have
3. Processing the ability to objectively analyzing one's performance
4. Spiritual mental and emotional balance.

So thankful that God has blessed me with friends who encourage.

“Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.” Psalm 90:12

TRUST Me

Trust me seems a WHOLE lot easier when I say it to the kids then when God says it to me.

Every time I pray about the kids and the situation the answer I get is simply

"Trust Me."

 Ashamed I admit I've asked "Are you SURE you have their & my best interest in mind?"

Once again I am reminded to be still and know that HE is God and I am not. I must trust Him.  He so gently reminds me over and over,

"Kara I am the one who put you here, put the children where I did & I am the one who will carry you through. Do not try to take this and manipulate it to what you desire this to be. My plans are so much greater than you plan. Surrender these children & your desires to me daily."

Obedience is so difficult. Complete surrender is crazy difficult.

Please pray that we have wisdom on what to say and when to say it. To the professionals, the family, the children. Pray that we continue to surrender and obey with every step each day. Pray that God strengthens us daily. Pray that  we have indescribable peace and reassurance that only comes from Him.

The kids start overnight visits with their mom again this week. She doesn't always seem to tell the truth but does a very good job of telling people what they like to hear. I wrestle with the need to constantly point our that she is lying about certain things or just waiting and hoping the right people notice.

Let the emotional roller coaster of these three begin...again...

Fulfiller of dreams

Thank you Father for being the fulfilled of dreams. This past weekend was one I don't think I will ever forget.

The kids didn't believe us when we told them that we were going to Florida. They screamed when they finally did. It was on of those weekends I have dreamed of since I was a kid.

I was able to see all of my family and the kids were so good. Everyone just ate them up. We went to Busch Gardens on Friday. Saturday & Sunday we went to Disney.

My husband was amazing. Nothing like my father at theme parks. He loves watching them enjoy every moment. He enjoyed every moment. He rode dumbo & Pirates of the Caribbean as well as a few other rides. He was just so loving and accepting of the SUPER long days.

We had a great time every moment of every day. The only problem is now I really can not attempt to imagine a moment with out my three sleeping beauties!

So thankful that my FATHER is a promise keeper & a fulfilled of dreams!

In my wildest dreams

Not in my wildest dreams did I ever believe that I am would be getting ready to do what I am getting ready to do this week.

Our 3 sleeping beauties don't know but we are going to visit my family! Not only are we going to visit them we are going to DISNEY!!!!

No matter what happens in the upcoming months we get to make amazing memories this week!!

So thankful Father for your continued blessings!!!!!!! I love that we get to share this with them!

Long Road

The next six month will be the longest and the hardest six months ever. In the state of Ohio children placed in foster care CAN NOT be in state coustsy any longer than 2 years. That's it...Not two years and one day not two years in 5 mins. TWO YEARS.

We have been blesses with 1 year.6 months.22 days.21hours with 3 AMAZING BEAUTIFUL FUN LOVING children.

I can't imgine my life without them in it. I am soon going to have to. Their mother just told me that after 1 year 6 months 22 days and 21hours she has finally found a place. That was the only thing hold them back from going home. They have changed my life. I have experienced things through them that I never thought I would ever experience.

In 11 days we go Florida to see my family & go to Disney. Just another dream that God is fullfiling. I don't know how I process the sadness that will come with loosing them. But I am thankful for so many memories.

The next 6 months as we see if they will be able to stay with their mother will be the longest 6 months of my life. It's like the Dr. has given my family 6 months to live.

I have said these things to your, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.  John 16:33

The Summer

A lot has happened since April. The kids are still with us...for know...I have to remind myself daily that God ALREADY knows the end & apparently he believes I'm strong enough what ever the decision is.

I'm thankful for every moment! Blessed in countless ways.

We went on our second vacation to the beach this summer!! The most exciting part is we are heading to Tampa go add my brother wife & kids! Our kid don't know. :) This is something I've dreamed of for Y.E.A.R.S!

Can't wait!

Monday Morning

This morning when I was waking the boys up for school L (3 yrs old) said, "mommy I want to be yellow like a duck & have orange feet!"

Well I guess that's a great way to start out a Monday...knowing what you want. :)

Tonight...

As I kiss them goodnight & tuck them in for the last before I crawl in to bed I wonder why God choose me to walk this road. I wonder how I am going to make it through the next few months. I never believed I would ever have the opportunity to love this much. With such extreme love will come extreme pain during loss.

The only thing that I can hold on to is my Father who gave me this love will be there to mourn my loss.

I pray that at 3, 5, 9 their lives have been changed in a positive way...I known mine sure has.

Tonight was a good night...and I go to sleep knowing they are safe & sound knowing how much I love them but God loves them more!

1st Night Away

Shawn & I ran a away last night.

The kids are on their 1st over night visit @ their parent house.

I am thankful we decided to go away. It would have been weird to be home and not have them there. I guess that is a weird that I have to/need to get use to. They are scheduled for reunification the beginning of June. Part of me is soooo happy for them. The other part of me is sad for so many reasons.

Praying for God's grace peace & wisdom to infiltrate my every once of my soul. I do know the only way I'll/we'll make it through this is with God carrying me through.

I don't have the strength...but HE does.

As for today...I'm enjoying the stillness of the morning~sound of the rain of the roof top of our one room cabin in the woods~ and the taste of good coffee.

Hope? Maybe

One of my biggest struggles lately is figuring out how to fully surrender and hold on to hope. It seems like an oxymoron...I want to hope but I want to surrender. Not sure if I can hold on to hope and live in complete surrender to what God is asking of me.

Is it possible to hope while surrendering? Praying for a clear answer Father.

Little Things

Sometimes it's just the little things that remind me God's there and he cares. I'm in Tulsa for a conference and I've woken up a few times my stomach bothering me and super thirsty. The kind of thirst that only a soda will do. I dig out all my change, $20, a credit card. I walk to the other end of the hall in the middle of the night to get a soda.

Vending Machines in a hotel are expensive...$1.50 for a 20 oz bottle. I have $1.25 in quarters and a couple of dimes. It took my quarters but wouldn't take my dimes. I tried a few and it spit them out at the bottom change return thing.

When I reached down to pick up the 3rd dime there in the change return was another quarter.

Thanks Dad for blessing me.

He's even in the small stuff!

March 1st...

It's almost been a year since our world turned upside with 3 beautiful blue eyed beauties. March 17th to be exact.

March 1st offically kicks off a month long celebration at our house!! Between our family & friends we have over 8 birthdays this month!! We'll even have special guest visiting Ohio this month! Grampy comes this weekend for an entire week & then Aunt Kim & Grandma C come the last week of the month for the Spring Break & our 3X birthday party!!

I'm not sure who's more excited...the kids or me :)

Favorites

As I prepare for their homecoming beginning of the summer I try to savor each moment. Truly one of my favorite things is bedtime. Not because I'm exhausted but because I get to say their prayers, talk about their days, and my "favoritest" part...

Singing Jesus Loves Me. I love hearing them sing it as they yawn and begin to drift off to sleep.

I am reminded daily that He loves me with all His heart and I get to share that joy with three young hearts who I have seen not only grow physically but spiritually. I love it when G prays for his younger brother & sister or his sick friend.

Thank you Father for fulfilling my hearts desire even if it is only for just a few months. My heart is filled with such love for them and I am so quickly reminded that is only a fraction of how much YOU love ME! Thank you again for loving me!

Perfect Timing

Got an email today from Sarah's Laughter. I don't usually read these emails much anymore but today I did. I'm glad I did.

In my office, it is always 5:30. Never 2:15. Never 8:04. It is always 5:30.

There is a broken clock in my office. People have such different reactions to it! Some look at it with a quizzical look on their faces. Others offer to fix it for us, but I always politely decline. You see, my clock is broken on purpose. I took a perfectly good, functioning clock, broke it and hung it on my wall. What a huge blessing!

You see, that broken clock is a reminder of the perfection of God’s timing. At first glance, it appears that the broken clock is worthless. The hands never move. It looks like nothing good is happening. But glance down at the bottom of the clock. The pendulum is still moving. Swinging left. Swinging right. The pendulum never stops.

In the dark days of waiting through your struggle with infertility, it feels like God’s plan for your family has ground to a halt. No explanations from the medical community. No prophetic utterances promising that long-sought after child. Even in the silence of infertility, listen to the ticking of a broken clock. God, like that pendulum, is still working and moving. When it seems like nothing is happening, the pendulum of God’s timing is still swinging.

Buy a clock, break it and proudly hang it on your wall. Let it serve as a reminder of the perfection of God’s timing.Be still, and know that I am God; Psalm 46:10

I may not know what's on the other side of our current situation but I know who does. My Daddy, My Protector, My Lord, My Savior. I'm thankful for that.

Visits

It's the beginning of the end...

Next week the kids start unsupervised visits at home with their parents. They are suppose to be with us until September but

Praying Mom & Dad will be able to handle the pressures of 3 kids and the kids will be strong enough to handle two different worlds. Praying I can handle this as well!

It will be a difficult transition but nessasarry to go to the next step.

Promises

That old 80's song "You make me promises promises" has been rolling through my head over and over again the past few days.

This week has been an emotionally taxing week for me. Some really good friends of ours just had a beautiful baby girl this week. This past Friday we celebrated another friends handsome little boys 1st birthday. While we were there another set of our friends with 3 little boys announced they were pregnant & it's a strong possibility that it might be twins. Not to mention it looks as though our three will be going home in September. Oh by the way did I tell you that as we were pulling out of the drive way for our valentines date my truck broke?

Can you see why that songs been in my head?

As I was driving back to work from seeing my friend & her new baby at the hospital I realized the swerving faith that continues to rise up in my heart as I asked...

"God is there ever going to come a time when we get to have a baby? Didn't you promise me that? Are we ever going to have children we don't have to give back? What have I done wrong? What am I DOING wrong? I try so hard to get it all right but I still haven't measured up? God PLEASE just give me a sign a word something for me to hold on to."

Yesterday morning after I dropped off all the kids I headed back up to the hospital to sit with my friend because her husband had to go to a meeting. There is one Christian radio station that I love to listen to. I turned it on in the middle of a conversation they were having with some guy about really wanting something and having to wait. I listened & then turned it off and made some phone calls but THEY just don't understand MY pain.

When I turned it back on Brooke the female talk show host was reading an email someone had written about sharing their waiting experience. She talked about getting married young having several miscarriages and thinking how she had given up on her dream of ever having children. She finally got pregnant carried the baby to term and when she had the baby boy she had been praying for she named him Zachariah, she stated in the email that's means THE LORD REMEMBERS.

Yep that is when I pretty much busted into to tears...asking for forgiveness and praying for unswerving hope as in Hebrews 10:23 and to remove all my disbelief. Honestly, as I approach 38 it is getting harder and harder to believe that God gave me that dream to hold on to hope instead of satan giving it to me to torture me everyday. What it comes down to for me is that everyday sometimes every moment it a choice...either I choose to believe God has my best interest at heart or I choose to walk away from everything that I have believed since I was a little girl.

Next Month I have to teach at our women's conference on Dreams. The section I have to teach on is our method vs our means...basically our words and our actions meeting to fulfill our dreams. Example, You can't say I have to be the best mom to my kids and never be there for them. I felt like God told me the beginning of the year that it's time to start dreaming again...im trying...

Thank you Father for loving me in spite of my doubt. I thank you for the 3 wonderful beautiful children you have placed for a time in our care. I thank you for providing a way. I thank you that YOU know the ending and when there is a war You always win if we allow you to fight instead of fighting the battles alone. Forgiveme for my sins. Father guard my heart my mind and my ears. Give me the courage to do what you have called me to do. I thank you Father for loving me first, knowing me best, and loving me MOST!

February...the month of LOVE

As I sit here today it's Sunday afternoon & I'm home with have a clean house. Thanks to my husband skipping church. Trust me I am NOT for skipping just because you don't "feel" like going and NO I'm not saying that my dirty house was/is more important than God. But I am thankful that God has given me a husband who while he isn't perfect he IS will to continually willing change not for me but to make himself a better person. He doesn't always clean like I do...we differ on how to clean...there for we usually do not clean together. :)

Needless to say when I walked in this afternoon I felt LOVED. He knows how much a dirty house stresses me out. And while sometimes I have to get over it and focused on what is important...THE MOMENT... We have a caseworker visiting tomorrow. So the importance of a clean house rose to the top.

The 3 blue eyed beauties are still here with us. It's almost been a year now. Parents have an upcoming court date. They are at the present moment doing what they are suppose to...taking the classes & doing the jobs that they were asked to do by the courts. We have a pretty good relationship with the birth mom & her family as well as the birth dad. Our prayer is that if they are to go home with their mom & dad then they will allow God to change & heal their hearts fully & completely. If they are to stay with us we pray that the kids will not have any more trauma with going home & then coming back.

As much as we love them we have to be willing to let them go if that is what God chooses. Something that brings me peace is that God already knows the outcome. No matter what NO ONE can EVER take away what God has placed in their hearts. NO ONE will ever be able to take away the memories they've had living here or that they've given us.

As for February...and just a few things that I love...
My God My FATHER
My Husband
3 Beautiful Blue Eyed Beauties sleeping in my house
SNOW :)
My Puppies
My Family
My Friends
My Neighbors
ABSOLUTELY LOVE kissing those babies good night each night. After a year still my favorite part of the day!
My Church

What do you LOVE about February?

Radically...Irrevocably...Persistently

We can only desire what you can imagine.

Our church needs to be RIPPED wide open...

RIP

My desire isn’t just to RIP (rest in peace)
My desire is for God to RIP this church WIDE open…
I want our children to RIP their generation…

Radically sold out to Christ
Irrevocably devoted to each other.
Persistently committed to reaching the lost.

We have a choice to Rest In Peace or to Allow God to RIP us wide open and create us who he wants us to be.

We were asked to do just TWO things...Love the Lord with ALL our heart mind body & soul...and...to love our neighbor as ourselves. That's all we have to focus on...

Father, help me be more of an equipper and less of a doer. Give me the strength to trust in you fully. Help me to build others rather than seeing them as a tool to build my own ministry. Father in this "fatherless" world my hearts desire Lord is to be RADICALLY sold out to YOU! To be irrevocably devoted to each other and to be PERSISTENTLY committed to reaching those who don't know you. Father, help me be a cheerleader to my team and to be bold the way Jesus was when I ask people to serve. Remind me to laugh and to rest. Help me Father devote the resources that you provide me to develop others. Father, help me forgive myself for my shortcomings this past year. In 2012 I will remember the 1 thing that is important…YOU!

Today...

Today is one of "those" days. One of those days that has been a struggle & a blessing. One of those days where I wanted to stay in bed and cover my head and not come up for a few days. One of those days where I'm excited about things but so scared of what tomorrow might hold. One of those days were I pray for the children's family with hope that justice for their sake is served and that lifes will begin to be changed for the positive. One of those days when you don't know exactly HOW to pray.

Father I thank you today for all your blessings. I pray that you show me what satan doesn't want me to see. Show me how YOU see me. Show me what is for now & what is for later. Show me how to prepare for the harvest that is coming. Give me your heart to love, your eyes to see, your ears to hear you crystal clear, your hands to touch, your feet to go, and your mouth to speak your words. Help me to be who you have created me to be. I love you.

Philippians 4:13

What does
~six kids (ages 1,2,4,4,6,8)
~103.8 fever
~the monday AFTER VBS
~Strep Thoat
~flooded basement
~HORRIBLE Strep rash on the BACK of my neck
~husband working late (again for the 5th night in a row)

ALL have in common???

Not a VERY good Monday!

It's days like this that I am glad I have scriptures hidden in my heart! :)

In the beginning...

In the beginning my plan was to blog everyday so I wouldn't forget a moment of how they make me feel...how my husband stepped into fatherhood...how I adjusted to motherhood...how they grow...the cute things they do...the frustrations of being a foster parent...the joys of finally getting to feel a little bit of what it was like to be a mommy...how God is working through them to change & mold me. But then it happened...the unthinkable...something that you can never fully prepare for...

L.I.F.E.

That's right. Life. Crazy but it's true. My life over the past few months has been consumed everything and more of what I mentioned about but also I have had 2 summer camps and in the middle of what is turning out to be the BEST VBS YET!

Shawn came once again to pick up the kids from VBS and put them to bed. Since I'm in charge I have to be there until the last person leaves & that can make for a late night for these babies. (Shawn has been an AMAZING help during the busiest month of my year.) When I came home tonight I heard the VBS music playing from G's bedroom. I was tucking them in & kissing them good night & the words just really struck me as I looked at these 3 beautiful children...

It seems like there’s so much to hope for
So many dreams, I wish they all could come true
When I think about your ways, Lord
It gives me so much faith in all that you do
Faith to see beyond what I can see
Faith to know that you will do great things
I will trust you Lord, I’ll always believe
As I hold on to my faith
Jesus, you are holding on to me.

Father I pray that you fill there hearts with dreams that can not be squelched. Please give them the faith to see beyond they could possibly see...Father give them the strength to know that they will do GREAT things...that you have BIG plans for them...Give them Godly confidence, wisdom, & grace. Forgive me Father for not being the mother that they need at all times. Thank you for loving & giving me the opportunity to love these children.

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. Hebrews 11:1

Camp 2011

REMAIN: to be a part not destroyed,
to continue unchanged
Continue to exist


I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.

“I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. If you do not remain in me, you are like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.

“As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. John 15:1-14

Camp begins today...I have two weeks of camp where I am "in charge" of nothing but hold ultimate responsibility...This week we will be learning what it means to be a STRETCHER BEARER.

Mark 2:1-12 A few days later, when Jesus again entered Capernaum, the people heard that he had come home. So many gathered that there was no room left, not even outside the door, and he preached the word to them. Some men came, bringing to him a paralytic, carried by four of them. Since they could not get him to Jesus because of the crowd, they made an opening in the roof above Jesus and, after digging through it, lowered the mat the paralyzed man was lying on. When Jesus saw their faith, he said to the paralytic, “Son, your sins are forgiven.”

Now some teachers of the law were sitting there, thinking to themselves, “Why does this fellow talk like that? He’s blaspheming! Who can forgive sins but God alone?”

Immediately Jesus knew in his spirit that this was what they were thinking in their hearts, and he said to them, “Why are you thinking these things? Which is easier: to say to the paralytic, ‘Your sins are forgiven,’ or to say, ‘Get up, take your mat and walk’? But that you may know that the Son of Man has authority on earth to forgive sins…” He said to the paralytic, “I tell you, get up, take your mat and go home.” He got up, took his mat and walked out in full view of them all. This amazed everyone and they praised God, saying, “We have never seen anything like this!”


Father, I come to you today, Father's Day, thanking you for being such an AMAZING Father...asking you for so much. We need Your Divine protection this week for each and every child & leader that walks out onto your camp. Father I ask that you guide & direct our every word our every step our every thought. Show me what satan doesn't want me to see. Remind me daily how YOU see me. Father give me wisdom to know what is for now and what is for later. Show me how to prepare for the harvest which has been promised to us. I pray for WONDERS SIGNS and MIRACLES this week that are beyond our wildest comprehension. Praying that Every leader will be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry (James 1:19) Father I beg of You to let EVERY word that comes fourth from my mouth be PLEASING to you and let every meditation of my heart be acceptable to You. I pray this all in Your sons holy name & may you receive all GLORY HORNOR & PRAISE!

Melting

I love having the kids around to talk to and act silly with or just listening to them talk about their dreams, their hopes, their world. The world they are going up in is so much different than the one I grew up in. They are adjusting well and growing rapidly. I know God has great plans for and everyone of them.

The other morning was the first warm (enough) day to wear a dress. As I was loosing my patience as I was loosing the battle in trying to get S(4) ready for school. She was fighting every inch of the way until I brought one of her new dresses out of the closet. She jumped up and started getting undressed because she couldn't WAIT to wear this little sun dress I had picked out for her. I fixed her hair so she could wear it down with just clips in it. As I cleaned the dried tooth paste off her sweet face I couldn't help up smily at this little four year old standing on a step stool beaming at her reflection in the mirror. She said sometime that I hope I never forget. She looked me right in the eyes and said...


"Mommy Tthank you for always making me feel like a Princess. I love you!"

My prayer is that every day she feels like the princess that GOD created her to be. Father, I pray that her self esteem will be rooted and grounded in YOU and what YOU have created her to be. I pray that she will accept Jesus as her Lord and learn to hear YOUR voice at an early age. May her joy continue to overflow as she is filled with the joy that only the Holy Spirit can give. Thank you Father for this gift of your children being in our home. Please help me to grow and change by these experiences.

Obedience vs. Sacrifice

Recently God has brought back to me a prayer that I prayed. I prayed this prayer with all of my heart probably about 8 years ago.

"Dear God, if you could just tell me if Shawn & I will have a baby one day I will be okay with waiting until your timing is right. If this is a desire in my heart that I need to NOT have I want to release it now to You. But if You know that we are going to have a child then show me so I can wait patiently and protect that desire You have placed in my heart."

A while after I prayed that (I can't remember the exact timing of it but it was awhile after) I had a dream. A dream that was so real and so detailed it made my heartache when I awoke.

In this dream I was in a room it was the middle of the night holding this tiny little baby boy. He was just skin and bones and I was trying my hardest to get him to eat. I was praying over him asking God to strengthen him, to nourish, him to protect him. I was praying for knowledge on knowing how to care for this tiny baby. I wasn't even sure WHO he was. I remember being so nervous not knowing what to do.

I looked up and saw this man standing in the door way "Don't be afraid. I was sent here by God to let you know it is all going to be ok."

I said looking down at this little baby boy and asked the man, "Who is this?"

He said, "This is your son that you have prayed for. He will be a world changer one day...in GOD's time not yours."

I looked back down at the baby and said, "I don't even know how to care for him. I'm not even sure if I know his name."

He said, "God will show you how to care for him. His name is Zechariah David."

I looked back up at where the man was standing and he was gone. As I sat there and rocked him and prayed over him I felt peace instead of anxiousness.

The next morning when I woke up and was thinking about this dream. I was thankful for it but wondered if it was just my mind trying to comfort my soul some how. I didn't tell anyone for a while then when I did my friend Sarah told me to look up what those names meant.

Zechariah: The Lord remembers
David: The Beloved one

For years after that dream I prayed and prayed for us to conceive...which I still do...but God has revealed to me that maybe just maybe this "world changer" may come through adoption. I don't pretend to know what God has planned. I am thankful for His promises and I pray that I will obey His every word instead of displaying my sacrifices.

Why He during this season continues to remind me of this dream that happened 7-8 years ago I'm not quite sure but I felt as though I needed to type it out so I will never forget.

The Artist & The Mermaid

Last night in evening church they taught on dreams in the elementary class and how God can use our dreams to speak to us just like He did for Joseph and others in the Bible.

On the way home G(8) says kind of quietly..."I have a dream."

I said "you do??? What about?"

He says, "I have a dream of being an artist when I grow up."

This is the first time he has verbalized that he has seen beyond the moment. I have tried talking about this before and he never would answer or say he just wasn't ever going to grow up.

I said, "WOW an artist is soooo cool! You would be great at that! I am going to keep the stuff that you make/color/draw for when you become famous one day."

As I glanced in the back seat he smiled and looked out the window.

Then S(4) announced, "Mom I know what I want to be when I grow up too!"

I said, "You do? What do you want to be when you grow up?"

She VERY PROUDLY proclaims, "I want to be a mermaid!". She pauses to think for a moment..."or may be a BEAR!" she shouts with excitement.

So for now we are fostering a future ARTIST & a Mermaid...or possibly a Bear.

I love the way kids think!

Amazed

It's been almost 9 weeks and I don't have a long time before I go to bed but just wanted to jot down something...

I am amazed how God continually uses these children to reveal His love to me. Daily. I love teaching them about their CREATOR.

I love the way they love my husband. I love bedtime. I love the stillness before the storm (5:15am - 6:25am) I love their laughter. I love kissing their tears. I love laughing with them. I love seeing them succeed. Even as little as the baby walking up and down the stairs without holding my hand and at the bottom he shouts "I DID IT!"

I love the hugs. I love hearing them sing HE IS ALIVE! HE IS ALIVE! WE ARE FREE!!! I love holding them when they fall asleep on me. But most of all I love KNOWING that no matter what the seeds that God is using me to plant NO ONE NO ONE NO ONE can take way!!! They WILL produce fruit! I know it!

I don't know what my life would be like with them...

I am reminded of a quote by Dr. Seuss...Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.

Today was a good day...I hope I always remember. God? Did you take pictures for my scrap book up in my "heaven house"?

Tonight as I finish this glass of wine in the peace and quite of my home I am thankful that God is using me faults and all.

I can't help but wonder...

The past 12 days have been a complete roller coaster. I want to document as much as I can because I know this isn't going to last forever. I remember the anticipation of Shawn & I as we were expecting them at 5 but they didn't show till 6. The dogs were outside with their bones. The house was vacuumed. The beds were made. Dinner was on the stove. We were ready...as we could be.

It made me happy to see Shawn sitting on the front steps as they pulled in the drive. I was scared to walk out the door. We sat down and wrote out questions to ask. Didn't realize that nothing else was going to mattered that evening.

Then the first few minutes after they walked in...showing them around...hearing S(4) answer "I Know!" to everything that I showed her. Watching G(just turned 8 a few days before) flip and flop all over his bed, EXCITED (for the moment) to have his own bed. Then there was little L(1) holding so tightly to the case workers shirt but asking for a banana.

They were so hungry, excited, scared, dirty, sick, ready, misunderstood, sad, covered, lonely, loving, talkitive.

The first night they slept...I slept...Shawn always sleeps...

My # 1 surprise that first night...not EVERY child likes spaghetti

Mile Marker of today...We brushed teeth this morning with out tears.

Fact about parenthood I'm realizing...I need a bigger car & purse...

One of my favorite things...Listening to them laugh!

My prayer for today...Father help each pecious child to learn to trust YOU early on & to remain faithfully commited to Your ways throughout their lives.

I can't help but wonder why God chose us to be blessed by these children. I can't help but wonder how long we will be in their lives.

I know it's only day 12...but I will be sad if/when they leave.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to PROSPER you and NOT TO harm you, plans to give you HOPE and a FUTURE. Jeremiah 29:11

Thankful for that promise :)

In So Deep

I love it when God knows what you need before you need it...Don't know why that continues to surprise me. Two Sunday's ago I had someone come up to me and ask if I knew anyone who wanted a free set of bunk beds. I explained to them that we had just been approved to be foster parents. Someone also gave us a toddler bed.

We got a call Thursday March 17...the second one since we were approved. We agreed this time. We are now fostering three children. It's been a week and we are finally starting to find out groove. They are 8(boy)4(girl)& 1 (boy) and working toward reunification with their birth family. I can't post names but may post pictures from time to time..well see...

I've learned so much so far. For now nap time if offically over & I am off to pick up one from school!

Amazed by how my life has changed in one week. Excited to see what the future. Thanking God that everyday is a new adventure.

It Is Finished...well not really...

It's been a long road filled with many potholes, twists, turns, and even dirt paths. But when I say It Is Finished what my heart knows is This is only the beginning of a new chapter.

Shawn & I were approved to be foster/adoptive parents the beginning of this month. It's scary I have to admit. In doing this I realize I will have no control on when we are called in to action, I will have to be so fervently seeking God's voice, the Holy Spirits prompting, & following Jesus' actions even more now than before. I probably have more reservations than Shawn. My life's work is wrapped around ministering to others.

I don't know how I will do this...emotionally.
I'm not sure if my life will ever be the same since "our" other kids went back home. Don't know how we'll handle it if/when kids come and go from our house.
I don't know how OUR relationship will change.
I'm not sure if I will be able to handle the pressure.

I do know that I/We feel called to do this. Called to give a piece of my heart to those who may never have know God's love.

What I do know that 2 Timothy 4:2 has a WHOLE new meaning to me.

What I do know is that I serve a God who performs miracles and displays HIS power among his people.

What I do know is that His plans for me give me HOPE.

What I do know is that by doing this my tent pegs...OUR tent pegs have been enlarged!! And I WILL NOT be afraid.

What I do know is that God gave me 10 fingers for a reason...

These are the promises that I will come back to on days when I'm not sure how I will get through. I am so thankful for the opportunities He will bring our way.

ON YOUR MARK...GET SET...GO!!!

My Prayer Today...

Father I ask you totally & absolutely set my heart on fire for you! Ignite my heart with passion that consumes me so great that merely settling or maintaining isn’t fulfilling enough for me. Father I don’t want to just make a living to be ok but I desire to fulfill my passion/calling & make a difference for your Kingdom.

Father I ask you to give me the guts to choose to lead out of CONVICTION of the Holy Spirit rather than the CONVENIENCE of doing what is easy. Help me to ALWAYS do what is right even when it’s not easy.

Father God I ask you to allow me to see people the way YOU sees people. Give me YOUR eyes to see your people. Help me to take “church/world colored glasses” off and begin to see the world the way YOU sees it…Change my view! Comfort my heart as with grace and mercy as I see their pain.

Father thank you for reminding me that I don’t have all the answers and I don't have to have all the answer. Only YOU are God…I am not. It takes a great deal of faith to believe that I can do EXACTLY what you have called me to do. In this time, in this place, for this season. Your words will NOT return void.

Father I ask you to remind me that I am not out to win anyone’s approval but yours! Not everyone has to understand me or like me or be on serve in my area of ministry. Father remind me daily of Galatians 1:10 Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.

Father continue to give me the courage to PRAY BOLD PRAYERS for me, for my family, for our church! Help me to pray daily sun stand still prayers like Joshua…Father I pray for safety in my family, my home, my church. Father I BEG for things to happen in my life in my family in my church that is UNEXPLAINABLE and UNDENIABLE so that YOU and only YOU can receive ALL the glory ALL the honor and ALL the praise.

Father I ask that You help me to stop trying to be who and what everyone else wants me to be and be who YOU have called me to be…allow this ministry to be a result of responding Your REVELATION and not the IMITATION of others!!!

Enlarge my tent pegs Father...Thank you Father for pruning me, growing in me & for loving me in spite of my shortcomings. I love you so!

This year holds so many promises. Just like each new day does. I am not exactly sure where to start.

This year has started out a little differently...We still had our same New Years Eve Bash at our house with our friends. My mom was there this time. She has recently retired so she spent the holidays up here with us. We had a white Christmas and a warm New Years. It has been fun reminiscing with her about my childhood...learning about her childhood...planning for a different future than what either one of us expected.

We are now in the second week of January 2011...WOW...tonight I finish up adoption classes. I can't help but wonder what God has in store for us. Honestly I have to admit I am a little scared...The not knowing, the fear of making a wrong move, what seems like never ending anticipation.

You are the God who performs miracles; YOU display your power among the people. Psalm 77:14

I don't usually start out the year anxious (not sure if that's the right word)...but this year I have...I don't particularly care for that...I feel like I don't know how to move forward. As if I have already used up all my Faith & Hope and have seen no change. Do I just need to have more patience? or am I just too scared of failing...If I am just too scared of failing that means I don't have the faith I profess to have. or am I just too selfish to fail for God.

The beginning of the year I am usually filled with HUGE hopes, desires, excitement, and anticipation of what God can and will do in the up coming year. In my, life in my husbands, life in the life of the church. Father forgive me of my selfishness, vain ambition, any foolish thing my heart holds.

As 2010 came to a close I feel the Lord stirred up this verse in my spirit...

Enlarge the place of your tent, stretch your tent curtains wide, do NOT hold back; lengthen your cords, strengthen your stakes. For you will spread out to the right and to the left; your descendants will dispossess nations and settle in their desolate cities. Do NOT be afraid; you will not be put to shame. Do NOT fear disgrace; you will NOT be humiliated. You will forget the shame of your youth and remember no more the *reproach of your widowhood (*the dissatisfaction/disappointment of the things that died to you). Isaiah 54:2-4

2010 was filled with extreme emotion...I don't know if I have ever been more thankful for a year to be over with before in my life. 2011 is filled with anticipation. I know my faith will be tested, strengthen, and blessed. I have a mustard seed of excitement of what is to come. Praying it grows stronger as the days go by. Rooted by the still quiet waters of His presence and surrounded by the quiet whisper of His voice.

I read a new blog this morning and she put it perfectly…
I can’t stop change from coming. I cannot. But I can choose to remember that He holds my ever-changing life in His never-changing hand. –Alece Ronzino

Praying in each new day that I will always remember YOU my loving Father hold me, your daughter's, ever changing life in the hand that has NOT changed since before there was time.

Leaning

I believe God spoke something to me today. I find it interesting how I when I misread something so many times God chooses to reveal things to me through it.

What was written was "We will always maintain a posture of learning"

What I read was "Always maintain a posture of leaning"

I thought LEANING what does that mean? Why would you maintain a posture of LEANING?? So quickly I felt the Holy Spirit say "Lean back in to God presence and lean forward in faith in to the vision I am creating in you and where I am taking you."

When I thought about the word leaning I was reminded of my dad.

Leaning back into my dad's chest as we sat and watch tv...feeling his warmth.
Leaning back and forth as I danced on my dad's feet around the kitchen...feeling his joy that I was his daughter.
Leaning forward as I jumped off the side of the pool...feeling confident that he was going to catch me.

This year I pray I MAINTAIN a posture of leaning Father into YOU in faith that YOU are my shepherd...willing to do what ever it takes to love me, save me, protect me, grow me.


Leaning...what an amazing position of faith...

Christmas 2010

Christmas 2010 was different than so many in the past. Well at least the past 6 years. My father past away on December 20 2003. I had just come down on the 18th to spend my sister's birthday with her and for the 1st time in 7 years spend Christmas with MY side of the family. I was so excited. After my dad past away suddenly it kind of changed Christmas for us.

This year I have say my FAVORITE Christmas present God gave me was JOY! I really enjoyed this Christmas season. I baked for the first time since 2003...not a lot but I did it! I listened to Christmas music by myself and didn't cry. I enjoyed shopping, giving gifts, and receiving gifts. My mom was here from Florida and we had friends over and just enjoyed each other. It was also my 1st WHITE Christmas. To wake up Christmas morning with my mom there and for the trees & ground to be covered with snow was just beautiful! I felt like HE did that just for me...to top off my Christmas.

My husband surprised me with a brand new wedding set. White gold like I wanted when we 1st got married. Princess cut like I wanted when we 1st got married. It truly made me feel like a princess.

Thank you Lord for the gift of Joy. The unspeakable Joy that has been lost in my life during this time of year for the past 6 years. The joy that Mary must have had after giving birth to the world changer. You are truly a Father of restoration. I am excited to see where you will have us go in the up coming year. Father I ask that you will comfort those who were unable to have the joy that Christmas brings this holiday season. Please continue to stir our hearts for you.

Christmas Fun!

Get in to the Christmas Spirit! You will never have Christmas 2010 AGAIN! :)

Merry Christmas!

10~10~10

What a cool day!!!

What does the number 10 mean in the Bible? Completeness in divine order or completed course of time. There's nothing that is left wanting within the complete cycle the number ten just completed. There are 10 "I AM"'s spoken by Jesus

10-10-10 Happy Full Power Exponential Day!! 10,000,000,000% what ever that means! The Lord is blessing you exponentially today, pray for it, receive it. Praying God rains down His Blessings over you and your family today and for YEARS to come!!!

Be expecting a great day!

Hey Pot...

Has God ever looked at you and said...Hey POT!! This is Kettle YOU'RE BLACK!!!

Don't you hate it when you get frustrated with something or someone and just when you think you are justified in your frustration and have it all planned out what you are going to say when asked what's wrong...God points out how you do that exact frustrating thing to Him each day but He still chooses to love you.

That's what happened to me last night.

My husband has been struggling with something’s lately and having difficulty expressing those feelings into words. I felt as though I had given him grace and was ready to put my foot down with what he did last night. He chooses a work dinner over going to a prayer meeting at church with me! I know what you’re thinking...he's a sinner!

Well I was ticked when he called and told me that he was going to a dinner meeting for work. So I acted like a "loving mature" wife and told him have fun and hung up the phone on him and ignored his phone calls when he tried to call me back.

Throughout the evening I was trying to figure out why that bothered me so bad. He's gone to dinner meetings all the time. He's missed church functions to go out on dinner meetings with work before. All that I felt were justified...then it hit me. He CHOOSES feeding himself physically over feeding himself spiritually. In my mind he chooses the world over God.

In my self righteousness I was so frustrated and angry how could he do that! LOOK at all God has done for him and he'd choose DINNER with work people over GOD??? That has to be something wrong with him. I admit so many things that went through my mind were extremely hypocritical.

Then God, my sweet & loving Father, so softly reminded me...You do that to me all the time...except "your work" is at a church. So many times you are too busy "doing" instead of just "being". I made you a human being NOT a human doing. How many times have you chosen work over time with me...just TODAY?

Before I worked in the ministry I use to be perfectly content to be a Mary...How, when, why have I changed in to a Martha?

Why have I become worried and distracted by so many things?
Why have do I feel like I am doing all the work?
Why do I wonder if Jesus even really hears me?
Why do I find myself talking AT God instead of listening to Him?
Why am I making excuses for what God's asking me to do?
Why am I still in the kitchen while others are lavishing worship on God?

Those are questions that I need to continually ask myself to make sure I am where I need to be. When you read them...what are your answers?

Father, please forgive me for being too distracted by “my work” to hear or love on you. Father forgive for my self-righteous attitude towards my husband. Thank you for loving whether I am a Martha or a Mary. Thank you Father so gently and lovingly pointing out areas in which you want me to grow & change. Thank you for your grace & mercy. Please help me to show others, especially my husband, that same grace & mercy when I feel hurt or wounded. You are an amazing loving Father & I am so thankful to be called your daughter!

Blessed Assurance

*This really long post is for me...So I remember and do not forget how BIG how WIDE how GREAT my GOD my FATHER is when HIS promises to me come to pass.

I LOVE old hymns...It reminds me of my grandmother & my mom...my heritage of which I'm so thankful of.

I have been struggling with the fact that I am still at 35 years old not a mom. It is not just from fertility issues, I believe that I have been healed of that, so says my last Drs visit, but also from other issues that are out of my control.

Controlling person??? Definitely NOT how I saw myself...more so if I needed to take control over something I could but I don't HAVE to have control over everything. I know God is in control of my life. Honestly I don't want His seat. Until it came to the whole baby/mom/being fruitful and increasing in number thing…

A few months ago someone said to me that broke my heart, “Maybe you should let go of the dream of being a mom and focus on what else God has in store for you.”

Those words have been floating around in my heart and in my head ever since.

I tried letting go like this woman suggested. I tried holding on tighter in spite of what she said. I’ve wept…I’ve prayed…And finally said...

Leading up to this weekend I'd been praying again asking/begging/pleading God to either release me, complete release, from my desire to be a mom, to have a baby or reassure me of His promises. And that they are truly HIS promises not my imagination or selfish desires.

Sunday morning I walked in to my office between services and there was this lady in there that has been praying for Shawn & I & our children. She kind of makes me uncomfortable sometimes.

#1 because she didn't like me when I first started working at the church she said some really mean & hurtful things to me. But I handled it differently then she had ever been treated before and she ended up liking me and hearing my hearts desire for the ministry here.

#2 because she asks me often if I'm pregnant and I feel bad that she keeps praying and believing but I am still not pregnant.

Well on Sunday she asked me if there was any news on the baby front I said no. She said, with tears in her eyes, “Kara I believe it in my spirit I know you will be pregnant soon. God has shown me time and time again your pregnant belly and your child. Yes you will adopt but you will have a baby.”

To which I responded trying to disguised uncomfortableness “I am believing for a child I know HE will provide in His perfect time.” Which I truly am honestly didn't even think of it as conformation until that afternoon.
I was in such firefighter mode I didn't even think about it again until my IM conversation with one of my friends that after noon. I am so thankful that she is sensitive to His Spirit.

The conversation started with “Would you like to know why God is called Jehovah Rophe?”

To which I responded, “Why?”

She proceeded to tell me of a story of a lady, her pastors wife, who has been married for a while unable to have children so they adopted. She has been on birth control for the past 2 years went off of it in July and just found out last week that she is pregnant.

Jehovah Rophe~ GOD who HEALS

She said “It made me think of you Kara...I want you to know, that God is still in the miracle business and don't give up. I don't know if you needed to hear that right now, but I think He wants you to know that He still holds your dreams in His hands, and that you aren't forgotten. I just think you need to hold onto what you know He's spoken to you and He'll take care of the rest.”

That afternoon as I am driving back to church I was thinking of the two instance of confirmation that day and my humanness say... “God you usually confirm things with me 3 different ways...that’s only two so maybe you don't really mean it. Maybe it's just my selfish desires.”

Yes I know what you’re thinking...I do have a very hard head. It amazes me how easily we allow doubt to creep in.

At staff meeting Tuesday where we were talking about this speaker we had on Sunday. He was one of those speakers that you’re listening along and then realize you don't have a pen and paper & you need one desperately because everything he's saying is about ready to make you jump out of your skin.

I am listening to a cd of Sundays message (this past Sunday's the day of 2 confirmations not 3…or so I thought) and he is talking about God's promises about being the type of person that is following what God is asking you to do because you trust God as your leader. He's putting on a personal level and then extending it to the church then to the body of Christ. Basically confirming EVERYTHING that God had been dealing with me on #1 for me personally #2 to say to the 85 volunteers in our children's ministry at our training meeting & #3 to the church body. (Which I am totally terrified about)

Then as if He hasn't been tugging on my spirit about plea of confirmation or release and what I said about the fact that I only saw two confirmations on Sunday. The speaker ends this message with this last statement...

"Elijah is God's promise.”
“God's word is never late.”
“His promises, what God has promised YOU, is real and ready and is true TODAY.”

Thank you Father for confirmation. I ask You to remove the doubt place in my heart and my mind by well meaning people who don’t realize when they say things that hurt. I ask that You remove any offensive spirit that I might have because of the hurt. Thank You for Your willingness to confirm things in 3 ways for no other reason than You love me. Thank You for the promises of what it says in Psalm 77:14 that YOU are the God who performs miracles that You display your power among the people. I thank You that Your promises are real that You are still the same God that is/was/continue to be in Numbers 23:19 God is not a man, that he should lie, nor a son of man, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfill? Thank You for what You do in me. ~Amen

Who Are You?

I felt I had to repost this...posting just the link for you to go read wasn't enough...you may not go. It's important that you read each and every line. The promises are far better than the lies that we tell ourselves. We are God's child...not the worlds.


You are not your past
You are not your failures
You are not your parents
You are not your sister
You are not your regrets
You are not your sin
You are not your weight
You are not your divorce
You are not your unemployment
You are not the choices someone else made for you
You are not your brokenness
You are not your bitterness
You are not your abuse
You are not your loneliness
You are not your marital status
You are not your tax bracket
You are not your crisis

This is who YOU are:
You are loved

You are forgiven

You are redeemed

You are destined

You are set apart

You are a new creation

You are valued

You are gifted

You are chosen

You are prized

You are reconciled

You are called

You are noticed

You are pursued

You are a child of The King

You are a co-heir with Christ

You are a royal priesthood

You are adored, cherished and treasured by the God of this universe.

When you choose to stop living out who you are not and you start to live in who you are…

It changes everything.

I found this today on RefineUs blog. This is an amazing husband and wife pastor team that have been through a lot and are willing to allow God to work in them as well as through them.

So thankful for their encouraging words.

Just Because

I love it when my husband answers my calls...

EVEN when he's at work

EVEN when he's with someone

EVEN when he's busy

Just beacuse it's me.

I love it when he does the little things that remind me that next to God I am #1

Crazy Love

I have been reading a book by Francis Chan called Crazy Love. I continues to amaze me...I am enjoying this book but I have to be honest it's kind of hard for me to get through.

Crazy, Relentless, ALL-POWERFUL Love.

It's hard to take in sometimes. Have you ever felt love like that? Many times, for me, it's about have I allowed God to love me like that or am I attempting to protect myself for the one who loves me more than anyone ever could? I have been brought to this passage of scripture this week John 13:1-17.

It was just before the Passover Feast. Jesus knew that the time had come for him to leave this world and go to the Father. Having loved his own who were in the world, he now showed them the full extent of his love.

The evening meal was being served, and the devil had already prompted Judas Iscariot, son of Simon, to betray Jesus. Jesus knew that the Father had put all things under his power, and that he had come from God and was returning to God; so he got up from the meal, took off his outer clothing, and wrapped a towel around his waist. After that, he poured water into a basin and began to wash his disciples' feet, drying them with the towel that was wrapped around him.

He came to Simon Peter, who said to him, "Lord, are you going to wash my feet?"

Jesus replied, "You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand." "No," said Peter, "you shall never wash my feet." Jesus answered, "Unless I wash you, you have no part with me."

"Then, Lord," Simon Peter replied, "not just my feet but my hands and my head as well!"

Jesus answered, "A person who has had a bath needs only to wash his feet; his whole body is clean. And you are clean, though not every one of you." For he knew who was going to betray him, and that was why he said not every one was clean.

When he had finished washing their feet, he put on his clothes and returned to his place. "Do you understand what I have done for you?" he asked them. "You call me 'Teacher' and 'Lord,' and rightly so, for that is what I am. Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another's feet. I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you. I tell you the truth, no servant is greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him. Now that you know these things, you will be blessed if you do them.”

As I've these verses twice a day for the past few days I am constantly reminded about Matthew 20:28

"just as the Son of Man did not come to BE served, but TO serve, and to give HIS life as a ransom for many."

To me...that's crazy love...

10 Things I learned at the Beach

I love the beach! Never knew what I had when I lived in Tampa for 21 years or so close to Ocean City for 5. Then we moved to NC which was only 3 hours away from the beach, still with in a short drive. Ohio...if I think about it long enough I honestly think I could have a panic attack because of the lack of an ocean. Don't get me wrong...there are many thinks I like about Ohio. We have 4 REAL LIVE seasons. Grant it winter seems to be the longest.

This year Shawn and I went on our vacation with our friends The Johnson's! We had a BLAST!!! On Monday before we left Hurricane Earl was scheduled to hit North Topsail Beach, NC on Thursday night into Friday morning. That was the day we were heading down there. We started praying! I have been praying for this vacation for over a year there was no way any hurricane was going to steal our joy!

We left on schedule and so Earl. He ended up hitting north of where we were. THANK YOU JESUS!! It was sunny from the day we arrived to the day we left! B-E-A-utiful!!! While we were there enjoying God's wonderful creation I really felt like He was trying to show me somethings a little differently than He normally does.

You see I usually go on vacation with an agenda of what I want to accomplish work wise...you know to get ahead, get inspired, set goals, blah blah blah. Ticks my husband off sometimes. He goes and turns off his phone...I haven't gotten there yet. Although I did leave it in the condo most days when I set out at the beach! BABY STEPS!!! :)

So the whole reason for this post...The 10 things I learned with my butt in the sand!

10. Butterflies are even more beautiful at the beach. They were everywhere this week! I loved it!

9. Sometimes waves are going to knock you down and it's ok to laugh at the fact they did.

8. When you ask God to show you something incredible take time to look away from where your walking to enjoy how magnificent He truly is!

7. Pebbles all over the beach are just as cool as sea shells.

6. 3 year olds bring an amazing view of the beach...you gotta love the "scuobberdivers"

5. Seafood is waaaaaayyyy better at the beach than OHIO!!!!

4. Resting is an important part of any healthy person...even God...what did He do again on the 7th day?? It's ok to do nothing even if you are at the beach.

3. Laughter is essential! Memories are to be cherished. Friends are forever awe-inspiring!

2. My husband loves me more than I know but God loves me more.

1. Go places expecting God to roll out the red carpet for you. Your His son/daughter...He loves to love on you. He WANTS to.

Things were different this year for vacation...I liked it...

~Our New Addition~Our Nephew~

Josiah Kaleo Mitchell

September 11, 2010

6 pounds 12 ounces 2:13PM

Snuggle Up with Failure...Really?

Can't believe that I haven't posted since Christmas...Doesn't mean I haven't started 10-20 blogs just haven't posted any. I've had a ton going on but just as my husband says excusses are excusses...might as well say we don't have any peanut butter in the house. Let's just clear the air right now...no baby news so if that's what your hear for than you can stop reading now. :)

How many of you reading this LIKE failure? Me neither...After reading this I am desiring to look at it in a different light. Just wanted to pass on an artical that I read today that I found had a lot of nuggets of wisdom in it. Hope you enjoy! Would love to know your thoughts on this...

Snuggle up with Failure

Christmas Past

I am an extremely sentimental person. I have confetti from the 1st night that Shawn & I met. I treasure the small things that people do for me. Our Christmas tree has a lot of ornaments on it that were made by a child or by me as a child. I wish I had some from when Shawn was little but I think they did their tree different from how mine was done growing up.


Christmas has always meant so much to me. It was a time of year when we as a family were all together. We went to church on Wednesday for Advent then Christmas Eve then again on Christmas morning, & Sunday. Some years that was 4 times in one week! That was a lot of sitting still for a family with four kids.


I loved the fact that we went to church on Christmas morning. I still miss it...We would get up and open our stockings and eat a sugar coated breakfast...Usually Monkey Bread and orange juice. Get dressed and go to church. The entire service was filled with Christmas Carols and the story that we new by heart. The CHRISTmas Story! As we sat there and celebrated the anticipation of what was still under our tree at home was almost more than this little girl could take.


Once we got home my mom took pictures in front of the Christmas tree and then got changed into our "present opening clothes" while my mom pulled out allllllll kinds of finger food. Some years it was turkey other times it was ham for small roll sandwiches and then there was a ton of other stuff. We never had a big family meal on Christmas just a hours of uninterrupted family time!


We would all get a plate of food and then pick a spot to open our gifts. Then either my brother or I would pass out the gifts to each person. My Dad would pull out the trash bag and his pocket knife so he would be ready. My Mom had worked so hard at making each year a Christmas that we would never forget she wasn't going to miss a minute of anyone opening a gift so we went one by one opening one gift at a time. One year we would start at the oldest and work our way down then the next year we started at the youngest and went up. It made Christmas last FOREVER!!!


We would put our try on our clothes, toys together and play all afternoon. Friends of the family would come over in the afternoon...rarely did we leave the house to go anywhere on Christmas except to Church.


I feel so blessed to have such wonderful memories of Christmas. I am so thankful that my mom made such an effort to bless us not with gifts but with the GIFT. We did receive gifts but I remember her saying as my brother, each year, would try to persadue her to let us open gifts BEFORE church...


"You can't open up your gifts until until we celebrate THE GIFT."











Thanks mom for always showing us what the TRUE meaning of CHRISTmas was!





“And Mary said: ‘My soul glorifies the Lord, and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior.’”
Luke 1:46&47